The education continues

This week on Teaching Thursdays it's multiple camera comedies. Writers from traditional sitcoms will be around to give you suggestions and wisdom. Do not try to get them to read your script.

They'll be at WB gate 2 from 9am to 12pm.

And if anybody went last week, please share your experience with the rest of the class.

In the meantime...

I did some grading today and that means writing assignments. So it's time to share. These three are eleventh graders:

1) Some things that might surprise people about me is that I look friendly but if u meet me I don't act friendly cuz I get mad easily is hard for me to like a person. Im very special in that point of view because lowkey I judge people without knowing crap about them.

2) (referring to an excuse essay in which the student lied her ass off about why her paper was late and I believed every word) I finally did a story in which Ms. Blake got tricked! I have discovered the path to wisdom and intelligence.

3) (in response to a logline for a short story idea) There was a Camaro that people thought it wasn't gonna get fixed no more. But they prove people wrong.

Sickness will not stop me from skipping work

Today I took a sick day so I could go to the Indie rally at Paramount. It was supposed to be a fake sick day but it turned into a real sick day when I woke up at 4 am coughing the kind of cough that feels like some tiny creature with sharp nails is clawing its way up your esophagus until I fell back on my pillow making the wimpery noise Wesley makes in The Princess Bride after Count What's-His-Face sucks one year of his life away. I'm really glad I took the sick day.

Just before 11, as I was feeling somewhat better, I took my cane and hobbled up to the studio for the rally. My foot is almost completely healed so the cane is more precautionary now than necessary, but I'm still worried about a relapse and it was a solid style choice. My voice is all scratchy from the coughing so I sound like Kathleen Turner. I should karaoke some Janis Joplin.

Then I wandered around in circles for three hours. It was boring at first. I kept walking next to John August but he was in deep conversation and I didn't want to interrupt to say hi so I never did even though he specifically told us to say hi. I never do what I'm told.

He spoke at the rally, as did Robin Swicord and everybody's favorite Jewish curmudgeon, Harlan Ellison. I was so excited when I saw him in the crowd because he's fucking hilarious, and he didn't disappoint today. He suggests we all try a little more violence toward Nick Counter and his cronies, except that he is in no way advocating violence. Just a suggestion about stomping on his neck until the blood squirts out. Even the local news camera men were laughing.

It's possible I'm in some of that footage since I was standing to the left of the podium. I instinctively hid my Pepsi from sight of the cameras to make sure product placement didn't interfere with the amount of usable footage. How indie of me. I only hope my boss doesn't see it and notice how not at work I was, but it's possible I was obscured from view by the creepy old guy who kept pushing forward with his sign in everybody's face until he was practically licking Ellison's elbow.

Fortunately after the speeches when I had to return to walking in circles I was saved from boredom by British Guy, an aspiring screenwriter finishing up his graduate thesis and trying to figure out how the hell he's going to pay his bills since his visa will only let him work in the film industry. We got along famously seeing as how he is absolutely adorable and has a very appropriate level of facial hair that suggests he only shaves when he has to to remain comfortable. It's my favorite level of facial hair.

At 2 we looked around and realized there were only eight people left walking back and forth so we did that old LA business card exchange and went our separate ways until we meet again.

Now I will eat some soup so I don't wake up in the middle of the night coughing up a piece of my spleen.

Me? Or Astro Man?

So there was this picture taken at the WGA protest last week that has appeared all over the place since then:

Her name is Emily Blake. As you can imagine, this picture has garnered a lot of interest among horny boys and various Russians.

But at first glance this does not appear to me be. I can see why people think it is, but I would never be seen in that outfit. Not during the day, anyway. Those shoes don't look comfortable. And look how short that dress is - you are about to see her everything any second now, which explains the horny boys and various Russians displaying so much interest.

Also, if I wore a strapless dress I would spend all day pulling it up. I would not lift my arms over my head at the risk of losing my tiny little stretch of fabric that barely covers anything anyway. Also, my arms aren't that spindly. I have muscles. So you know, I'm thinking, not me but thanks.

But then Friday I had twice as many hits as usual on my page and 100% more Russians than usual because everybody's looking for this girl and they think she's me.

So fuck it.

Yeah, that's me.

The way I figure it, one of four things happened.

1) This is the robot me. Soon she will show up at my door and take over my life and have me sent to Hell where I will be forced to play Death at various board games until I win the ability to get back to Earth to rescue the princesses.

2) I have a superpower of which I was previously unaware. I can be in multiple places at the same time. So I sent Ring Girl Emily out to the rally while Teacher Emily stayed in the classroom. But Ring Girl Emily doesn't want Teacher Emily to realize her power so she wiped my memory and will soon show up at my door and take over my life while the real me becomes more and more dull to the point where I start wearing tweed suits and paying my bills on time.

3) That's Alternate Universe Emily. Like on Sliders. She was out there on a mission to protect our dimension from the AMPTP because in her world, they have caused an apocalyptic rupture that destroyed everything. But now that she's saved the world through some deed we'll never understand, she'll show up at my door and take over my life and pretend she's the real Emily while she kills me and buries me in the park and starts the writing career I was supposed to have.

4) That's me from the future. I knew if I went out and got in that picture the hits on my site would double and some producer somewhere who really likes leggy blonds would find me and sign me to an eight picture deal. But none of that would ever have happened if Future Me hadn't come back and gone to the rally while Present Me was at work. Now Future Me has gone back to the future where my evil is law. If only she had come by before she left and explained how she keeps her hair that straight.

Man, I hope it's number four.

Strike-related Craigslist ads part 2

1) Our firm specializes in outsourcing mercenary work from Fortune 500 companies that need to keep their hands clean. We act as middlemen, designing offensive logistics with our clients, and then through intermediaries give you the assignment. Upon completion of an assignment, we will leave cash in a designated area that is tax free and untraceable. We will only communicate with you via e-mail. We are reaching out to writers because nobody in corporate America knows who you are, plus you have the imagination needed to be resourceful in a pinch. Please e-mail your resume and salary history. Crime Drama Writing experience a plus, but not necessarily required.



2) The strike will go on for a long time. It is time to get balls and come back to work. The producers will break the union. Get paid now and work now. If you come back now we will forget and let the past be gone. I need writers to keep making shows for sweeps. FOX Idol will not be only show viewers will look forward too. Man/women up and come back.

We have bought extreme SUV's with darken (more than normal) windows to get you onto the lot. No one will know. Work in a special unit trailer and video conference your input to the stage. You can wear a stocking so no actors will notice you when on the video conference. We will write contracts through agents and keep everything confidential. If you need cash please apply. NO 24 writers please.



3) Untapped NON-UNION talent. I won't lie, I have no published experience. But I CAN and WILL deliver. I live in Pittsburgh but can e-mail GREAT writing at a moment's notice. Strikes mean nothing to me. I have ideas for new shows and can write for current shows in a heartbeat. And I can beat the pants off any of your pampered, union writers without hesitation.

Don't believe me? Just send me a short e-mail, whatever you need, first script's free. Cost you nothing but a few minutes, and the reward will be well worth it.

Need to start shooting next summer's popcorn fest? It's right here, waiting. Need a script finished at the last minute at great expense? Don't bother! I will beat any scab's script and any scab's price! Just try me! I dare you!


4) Allow me to be your stand-in on the picket line.
Hours, days, weeks, months....I'll walk the line.
All that I ask is that when this strike ends
Your agent or manager read my script!
It's getting cold out there, e-mail me,
I'll meet you at any studio.

Questions about the strike

I kept asking people this on the picket line yesterday and nobody knew a complete answer so I'm going to post it here and see what people think.

Best Week Ever and The Soup are still on the air. Why? Best Week Ever ignored the strike completely this week, but The Soup's Joel McHale mentioned twice that the producers should cough up residuals so the writers could go back to work, so clearly he supports the strike. But he's at work. I don't get it.

Myspace is holding some kind of short film contest. A guy emailed me yesterday asking me to vote for his movie which mocks reality television. He says it's a way for him to support the strike because if he wins he'll forgo the development deal that may come with the prize, and in the meantime he's poking fun at the networks.

I'm not really sure how his winning a contest is a boon for striking writers. I think the guy may be trying to make himself feel less like a scab if he wins. Which brings me to my next question, is that scab work? If you have a finished film and you sell it to a studio, does that qualify as crossing the line? It's not writing work, it's selling a completed piece of work. Then again, it is filling time for the networks.

I know the Disney people have worked out the kinks in their fellowship, but what about other contests? What if a contest includes a development deal or a studio first look as a prize? What happens to the winners now? Does the prize get put on hold until the strike is over or do you have to become a scab to claim your winnings?

And what about Ellen? From what I gather about the situation she's in a hell of a bind. She's a member of both the WGA and AFTRA and while WGA expects her to strike AFTRA has a no-strike clause in her contract. So how can she possibly do the right thing?

There are many topics. Discuss.

EDIT: For more info on The Soup and Best Week Ever in relation to the strike, go here.

My day on the line

Last night I made three batches of black bean spirals to take to the picket line today. Most of them are back in my refrigerator because there was so much food that nobody wanted my damn appetizers even though mine were home made and the cookies and muffins were store-bought. But whatever.

I live within walking distance of Paramount but I know a bunch of people who work at Warner so my theory was that I'd go up there and not be totally alone as I marched. But one friend didn't answer her phone last night or today, another friend was off the lot on a shoot at the ranch, another friend couldn't get time away from her office to come out, and Maggie was only able to picket during her lunch at 12:30.

I did get to see Maggie for a bit - always an improvement on whatever situation you're in - but in the end I probably should have walked to Paramount and saved on gas and time. Next time I will.

At least I didn't get a ticket. I was a bit concerned since I parked near although not in front of a hydrant with no red zone paint, have no front license plate and my car sat there for three hours in a two-hour zone. But no ticket. I believe I have upped my karma points on the picket line.

I did meet a few nice people there in my red UTLA shirt. David Madsen, a feature writer and novelist who listed many a film he wrote that has been bought and stuck on shelves all over town. He was particularly nice and hopefully one day I'll cross his path again and he'll remember me as the little teacher who marched back and forth with him across the street.

The staff of Gossip Girl was there (in the middle of the top picture). You knew who they were because they were the loudest, prettiest little writer cheerleaders on the line. They kept trying to get chants going, but I think most people just wanted to talk while we walked around.

Then there was this kid beating on a drum:He's about ten. Somebody asked where they'd seen him before and he said, "Oh I've been on Heroes, Lost. You may have caught my work on Gray's Anatomy."

He makes me feel inadequate.

Patton Oswalt was there being very loud and ringleadery. He's following me around, I swear. He was at a completely random party Lead Actor held once. When I asked Lead Actor about it he had no idea who Patton Oswalt was or how he knew about the party. And there he was today, walking with Charlie Hayes and some surly old guy from Hill Street Blues.

Also, the honking. The glorious honking. I honked before a bit as I passed Paramount, but now I will honk with wild abandon. The honking gave us something to do in the form of waving and cheering, but it also made us feel useful and supported. And at Gate 2 it was nuts. Teamsters, Priuses, random people in random cars all honking and waving. One old lady pulled over and handed us cookies and lollipops. The Vitamin Water guys came by with a speaker and shouted encouragement as they handed out their product.

Good times were had by all. Even though it was hot and boring and far from my house, I'm glad I went. I didn't hand out any of the ten business cards I made, but who gives a crap. I felt like I was part of the team anyway.

Keep on fighting the power, everybody

There's a new petition to sign stating that you won't download anything off the network websites. Please sign it, and then don't download anything off the network websites. If you download anything off those websites you're helping the studios and hurting the writers.

If you have a Myspace, there is a virtual picket line going around. Replace your default photo with a picture in support of the strike.

Anyone who wants to join a picket line can find the schedule here.

I will be out of work tomorrow because of Veteran's Day so to honor the men and women who fought for our rights I'm going to go practice my First Amendment right to assemble and bitch. I'm making black bean spirals today to take out and share with the group. I figure if I've only got one day on the picket line I'll make the most of it. If you're up at Warner on Monday I'll be in my red UTLA shirt handing out appetizers. Union solidarity!

Isn't this nice? One silver lining to this whole strike issue is that it seems to be bringing all kinds of people together. I'm not in the Guild but I kind of feel like I am these days. On a normal day you have to either screw somebody or kill somebody to next to an A-list writer, but during the strike all you have to do is show up at the studio gate with cookies. It sort of melts away that barrier between the successful and the aspiring. How American of us.

On an unrelated note, I finally got around to writing a logline for Bamboo Killers:
Four people - one emotional couple with sexual disfunction and one sexual couple with emotional disfunction - face their insecurities as they spiral toward each other until they end up on opposite sides of a dangerous plot that appears to be an innocent night of board games.


[EDIT] I realize by the comments that I need to explain a bit what the script is. It's a series of chapters - one on each of the four people in this story - that all have different plots. Each chapter builds up to the final chapter, which is the only full story where the four people are in the same room at the same time. One is a boxing story, one is a story about shoe shopping and lesbians, one is a story about attending an office seminar, and one is about being mugged at Venice Beach. In the fifth story all the characters are together in a room presumably playing a board game, but you learn toward the end that there's a lot more going on than the game. All of the previous stories have been leading up to this final chapter.

I'm trying to convey all this in the logline and I'm having difficulty. Suggestions?