I'm uncomfortable with change

Has anybody else noticed that they changed Law and Order?

Special Victims Unit usually begins with Elliot and Olivia being called to a crime scene and finding out what the situation is.

Criminal Intent begins with a series of shots showing some clues to what happened and who may have done it before we see the results of these people's shady dealings.

And vanilla flavored Law and Order has always opened with some random person doing some random thing and stumbling on a random body.

But not anymore. I don't know how long it's been going on because I stopped watching Law and Order for a while. I started up again when it was just about the only new thing on the air during the strike. And now that it has Jeremy Sisto and Anthony Anderson, two amazing actors that will probably end up being underused, I'm watching it every week.

I'm totally in love with Jeremy Sisto, by the way. Oddly enough I fell in love with him when I saw him as a skinny, twisted Devil worshipping serial killer in Hideaway. Apparently I have issues.

Anyhow, now instead of showing people finding the body, Law and Order has begun opening with a shorter version of Criminal Intent's series of shots. At first I thought it was a one-time thing and figured the episode may have been written by a Criminal Intent writer or something. But no, it was a regular writer for the show. And then every week since then they've started the show the same way.

It's not really a big deal, especially since a Law and Order spec is kind of useless these days, but I still found it intriguing. It was clearly a conscious decision by the showrunner to change things up. I wonder why? The show has clung to the same formula for over a decade, and now it's suddenly shaking up this one thing while leaving everything else the same - well, besides the ever-rotating cast.

I just thought this was interesting and that you should know.

Make me cry

You know what you shouldn't do at 7:30 every morning? Read Night out loud to a class full of sleepy teenagers. This is the third day in a row I have spent the morning sad and cranky.

It's amazing that a story about a Hungarian 15-year-old boy who ended up spending a year in a concentration camp can still make me depressed for like four hours. That's the power of story, right there. Even if the story wasn't true I think it would still affect me in a pretty strong way.

That's the thing we strive for, isn't it? To make your story so emotionally moving that people cry or laugh or write letters to their congressmen? I know I want that.

When I wrote my very first screenplay I had this death scene that turned me into a big puddle of saltiness. I kept playing "My Immortal" over and over as I wrote it and I was just moved to depression by how heartbreaking my death was.

And nobody else really felt that way when they read it.

That's partly because it was a first screenplay, but also partly because the screenplay form is not really one that naturally lends itself to tears. We cry when we watch a movie because the actor on screen is believable and we're wrapped up in the story as presented us with color and imagery and editing and music. So the chances of what's on the page pulling down some kind of emotional reaction are not as good as in a novel.

Still. Sometimes it happens. I try to make it happen but there's a fine line between emotionally gripping scenes and super sappy ones. I've laughed at jokes in screenplays before, but it's rare that I actually cry. Tonight He Comes actually made me cry because I felt so much pity for Hancock when he hit rock bottom. But I can't think of any other screenplay that did.

Can you? What do you think is the line between sappy and moving? Have you ever written anything that made people cry?

Homeless people need to stop breaking into my shit

So a few months ago my car got broken into in the garage. The tapes show a presumably homeless guy walking in when the gate opened to let somebody out, going into my car and ransacking it. He didn't take anything except the clicker, which he later threw into the bushes. But he did throw everything in my car around. My guess is he was looking for drugs because he took none of the loose change I keep in the car for parking meters or any of my CDs.

I drive a Jeep, by the way, so there's no way to prevent theft. You just have to be careful about what you leave where in the car. But I never really worried at this apartment because it's in a gated garage monitored by video surveillance.

Anyway, today when I got home from work as I was leaving the garage and going into the building a beat down dude leaned against the gate and looked in. I went into the building and remembered that homeless guy and wondered if this was the same guy. I watched as he left the garage and plopped down on the wall in front of the building, waiting for another car to come and open the gate so he could come in and ransack my fucking car again.

I thought for a minute. Should I say something? What if this isn't the guy? What if this dude is nuts? And why deny him the opportunity to just sit on a wall? He's probably got a shitty life anyway so I should let him sit on the wall.

Then I remembered how he ransacked my fucking car and pulled off all the damn tape that was holding the glove compartment together.

So I went back into the garage and locked up everything I could lock and took anything of value out of the car. I considered putting a note on the glove compartment that said, "There is nothing in the glove box. Please do not rip all the tape off because it is a massive pain in the ass to put back on."

But I didn't because I had no paper.

As I walked back past the gate, the homeless guy was back in front of it, looking in. And he saw me. And I glared at him.

As soon as he realized I was staring right back at him he backed up and looked up at an apartment on the second floor.

"Heeeeeeeeeeey!" he called to an imaginary tenant. "Yo!"

Then he backed away from the building and ran across the street.

And that is what screenplays are made of.

Protagonist board meetings are boring

In all my self pity I forgot I was supposed to talk about jobs. So now I'm going to talk about jobs.

I don't know about you guys, but I am really tired of people who work in advertising firms in movies. And sometimes they're lawyers and sometimes they're just people who work in some random office overlooking a beautiful view of the city. There are so many jobs out there, it's kind of lazy for a writer to fall back on an office job, especially an office job working for a magazine or an advertising firm.

So don't do that. I plead for a release from advertising firms and magazines as the place of employment for your main character.

So where do you get ideas for jobs? There's a couple of places.

First of all, if possible you should make the job match the story thematically. In the script for Tonight, He Comes, which has been turned into Hancock, one of the major characters is a security guard. This job is completely appropriate because the main problem is that he's completely lacking in testicles and his ego is next to nothing. A job as a useless security guard is absolutely perfect for the situation. Of course in the movie that job was changed to a PR exec, which to me is a lot less interesting, but is appropriate to how the story is now more about Hancock getting his shit together.

Try watching Dirty Jobs some time. There are a whole lot of people in this country who never set foot in an office, and Mike Rowe interviews a pile of them.

Even if you Google "unusual jobs" you come up with things like "chicken sexer." That must be a hell of a job.

For me, I usually use jobs of people I know. In Not Dead Yet, before the zombie apocalypse my female lead was a stunt performer. I chose that career for her because it makes her easier to believe as an action hero and because Ex-Boyfriend is on his way to becoming one.

In Jacking, I made a character a professional dog walker and pet sitter. Ex-Fiance did that job for a while and it also helps the story by giving my character a love for pets that makes her really sympathetic. Whenever I try to figure out what my characters do, I think of what interesting jobs my friends have, then I think of which job would really help push the story forward.

Every day you interact with people who don't work in an office. Ever buy a taco off the truck? (Seriously if you haven't, go do so immediately.) Ever ride the Metro? Ever bought anything, ever? That stuff doesn't go straight from the office to the street. I once dated a guy whose dad made a fortune building the machines that package pills for Glaxo Smith Klein. He worked in a warehouse all day.

Apparently I get all my job ideas from the boys I date. Come to think of it, I've never dated someone who works in an office. Ever. I tend to shy away from those guys because they're more boring than your average chicken sexer.

So please, please use your imagination next time you're giving a character a job. It makes them more interesting by giving them something to do besides sit around a conference table and it makes you stand out.

Page one - Jacking

Yesterday was a rough patch. In my lashing out I managed to piss off not one but TWO people. Sorry, people I pissed off.

I realized maybe one reason I was so unhappy yesterday was because I hadn't written anything in about three weeks. So I sat down and cranked out the first two pages of Jacking. That's a temporary title, by the way. I guarantee that won't be the title I end up with.

Anyway, writing pages always makes me feel better and this time was no exception. Whenever I get depressed I just remember to be proactive. Do something that you've been wanting to do and you automatically feel good about yourself. Like magic. So now I have the first draft of my opening scene.

Before I share this with you, some of you may remember the story of my mugging from several months ago. The mugging is what inspired the script, so I used it almost exactly as it happened in the opening scene.

So here you go, my new first pages:



FADE IN:

EXT. SOUTH HOLLYWOOD STREET - NIGHT

Three in the morning on a street off La Brea. A group of kids wobbles down the street, giggling. A cab pulls up and two white girls get out. They're drunk and wearing dresses without pockets. Both carry purses.

One girl, ROSE DAILY, hands the driver a carefully counted out handful of bills and both girls cross the street as the cab drives away.

ROSE
I'm sorry. Are you sure you don't mind walking? That guy gave me the creeps.

Rose, 26, is petit and sparkly, a bright little ball of drunk energy. Her companion, ANDREA, 28, carries a sophistication that shines through her inebriation.

ANDREA
It's okay. You're paying, you get to say where we get out.

ROSE
I love walking in Los Angeles. I know you're not supposed to, but-

Two LATINO BOYS wearing hooded sweatshirts move fast up behind the girls, coming out of nowhere.

One of them grabs at Andrea's purse. She resists and he knocks her to the ground, ripping the strap. He runs down the street.

The other boy grabs at Rose's purse and runs with it, but he doesn't get far.

ROSE
Oh hell no!

She reaches out and grabs the boy's hood, knocking him on his ass. In the process, Rose loses her balance too and falls down on the sidewalk.

They look at each other, both brought down unexpectedly. The Boy has a cherubic face. His head is shaved. His eyes are wide in surprise. For a second they connect, the victim and the criminal.

The boy leaps up and runs off after his friend, still holding her purse. She jumps up and out of her kitten heel shoes, tearing after him, barefoot on the pavement.

ROSE
Come back here, you son of a bitch!

But he's away and their belongings are gone.

Rose stops her chase. Andrea stands up and brushes herself off.

An EXCITED GUY rushes across the street and up to the girls.

EXCITED GUY
Oh man! I can't believe that just happened! I saw those guys come up to you and I just thought they might do something and then they did!

Rose and Andrea both stare at him. He smiles.

ROSE
You want a fucking cookie?

His smile fades. Andrea grabs Rose's arm and leads her away.

ROSE
(angry)
Thanks for all your help, man!

They head down the sidewalk, leaving the bewildered asshole behind them.

Get out the violins

A friend of mine upset me this weekend and I wrote a whole thing about it but I don't want to be all angry and ranty about it and people started making mistaken assumptions about who I was talking about so I deleted that and wrote this instead. And in the process I deleted the comments people left by accident so, um, sorry about that. Feel free to comment again.

Anyway...

I am emo today.

I got my first rejection letter from the pile of queries I sent out a few weeks ago. It's to be expected - I certainly didn't think the world would flip over my zombie logline and immediately sign me to a six-picture deal - but it's still sort of got me thinking this is the first in a long line of letters about why Hollywood doesn't want what I have to offer. And then the short film is never going to be finished and my feelings got hurt and my love life is a mess of confusion and it's really hot because the sun is glaring at me through the balcony door and I'm tired.

I'm turning 30 in two weeks. I was supposed to be a rock star by now. Then I was supposed to be married with kids, living happily ever after writing novels about spunky French queens (the royal kind, not the gay kind). Then I was supposed to be a screenwriter. Instead I am a girl who lives alone in her one bedroom apartment with her cat, wishing someone would pay her to write some fistfights so she could quite her day job. I am not a rock star at all, despite the fact that I have a tank top that says so.

And I finally broke down and bought a book of stamps for the first time since the price went up. The price is going up again on Monday, god dammit.

And people's comments are still deleting for no reason. I swear I have approved all comments so far and none of them are appearing, so please post them again. Grumble.

So I'm having a bad day. This too shall pass, I suppose. Sorry about the whining but I can't be optimistic all the time.

At least my hair looks good.

Waiting

Once upon a time Emily and a Craphead wrote a short film together called Game Night. Then in September Craphead, Lead Actor, DP and some other incredible people all got together to film this magical story about a dude who snorts coke and wields his gun around while everybody's just trying to play a game. And everything was good and Emily was happy.

And then AD didn't have time to edit the film so Emily looked for a new editor. And lots of nice people volunteered to help but most of them were out of town or didn't really understand the story. But Emily found a new Editor who did have time and resources and talent and lived nearby and said he could get it done soon and would definitely keep her posted. And Emily was happy.

And then Editor was so swamped at work that he didn't have time to edit anything so Emily offered him $100 to speed things up and Editor was very excited. And three months went by.

And Emily emailed Editor and said, Hey. Dude. Where's my movie?

And Editor swears he's working on it and that he now has time and will show her a rough cut soon. And it's May now and Cannes is about to come and go. Then Austin will come and go. And the LA Film Festival will come and go.

And Emily will still be here, waiting, sadly staring out the window hoping that one day her short film will return to her.

The story of Not Dead Yet

I didn't write yesterday because I was ever so busy. I went to hip hop dance class last night where I learned that although kickboxing has given me power and strength and endurance, my flexibility is for shit. I think I'm gonna start going to yoga. My legs hurt. Also I suck at following choreography. I spent most of the hour flailing my arms about at random.

A question was posed some time ago that I have been hesitant to answer. I was asked to go through my process with Not Dead Yet from conception to finish. It's not my first script by any means, but it is the first script I feel totally good about. I can pitch this sucker. I could sell it to somebody with piles of money.

But that's all according to my own opinion. For all you know it sucks donkey balls. I certainly haven't sold it yet and I may never, and I'm not a professional writer until I do. So I feel weird about going through my process because it makes me sound like such an authority. But I did write a script I feel good about and I was asked to explain my process, so I will do so.

I've talked before about how I got the idea. I thought about what it would be like to survive the zombie attack only to be stuck with the only other survivor being someone you've just started dating. My family of zombie hunters, 20 years after the attack has killed off almost every human on earth, must travel to California to join up with the only other people they know to exist.

I started by brainstorming. I always start by talking the script out loud to anyone who will listen. Ex-Boyfriend, who helped me come up with the story, was invaluable because the geography of the story was all from his neck of the woods. I planned out the trip the family takes from beginning to end so I knew where they would be each step of the way. Then I got out my index cards.

Everybody has their own theory of index cards. I use them. They force me to organize my story by plot point so I know where I''m going. I only use about six or seven because they're just rough ideas and then flesh them out as I write, so an index card will say something like this:

Chris, Josh and Kate fight their way into the hardware store. Josh kills a zombie alone. Kate goes alone to drug store, she's attacked. Walkie talkie dead, out of ammo, boys come to save her. Gas tank blows up.

All my index cards are pretty colors so when I put them on the bulletin board in my room I'm encouraged to work on the pretty story because it's always there where I can see it as I go to sleep and right as I wake up. I also put loglines on yellow cards so that if I ever have to pitch to someone on the spot I have my logline all bright and cozy on my board.

Then I just write. I start with page one and keep right on 'till I'm done. I sometimes skip scenes if I know what happens in them but either need to look something up or just plain don't feel like writing that at the moment. Usually it's a dialogue scene. I don't really know exactly what the characters say so I leave it for later. But most of the time I don't skip because something important happens in every scene, so if I skip it I'm not sure how my characters have changed since the event unfolded.

This caused me some major problems on Not Dead Yet that stalled me out for almost a month. I came to a huge set piece that involved a lot of research and comprehension of physics that I don't necessarily have seeing as how I suck at physics. I couldn't get past it because it was a very important sequence of events and even though I tried to skip it I just felt lost.

I kept reading and thinking and writing and rewriting and throwing things until finally I called up Ex-Boyfriend and said help! And we went to Dougboys and I had the after school special (OMG so good) while he helped me figure it out because he understands that stuff.

After that I finished the script and then left it alone for about a week. Then I printed it out and read it out loud and marked up things that didn't sound right. I don't usually pay too much attention to typos or grammar at this point because I'm just going to make more later.

I did my first revision then I took it to the group. My writers group is pretty solid. I cannot express enough the importance of a group whose opinions you respect. With this script I came out of the meeting with a clear sense of where I was headed next because the feedback was overall pretty consistent. Plus there were snacks.

I did another revision then sent it to Ex-Boyfriend for a technical read-through. He came over and told me what did and didn't work. He's an expert on guns and geography and tidal waves and was the reason I ended up with a character who's obsessed with trying to flame throw all the zombies, which was one of my favorite things to write. I don't know why, but having a teenage boy wax philosophic about how much he wants to set the undead on fire fills me with glee.

After I did another revision I sent it to two more people. They gave me very few notes so I figured it was ready, but just in case I still let it sit for about two more weeks without looking at it. Then I did one read through focusing just on typos and grammar issues and then I shipped it off to the contest circuit.

And it's still out there, somewhere, waiting to be loved.

Zombie dreams

Today was teacher appreciation day. There was food. I was appreciated.

I had another zombie nightmare last night. I'm not even working on Not Dead Yet anymore, but I like it so much that some nights as I'm going to sleep I replay scenes in my head and smile at the awesomeness of smashing a zombie's head in with a hammer.

Sometimes I still use "Zombies" as a zen word. Whenever I get all worked up and bent out of shape I say "zombies" and I feel happy because I love writing about zombies.

And that means sometimes as I drift off to sleep I dream about them. And last night they responded by scaring the shit out of me.

I was at a pitch meeting at Universal when this little girl came in all zombiefied so I cut the meeting short even though I hadn't finished my pitch and called 911. A dude answered.

911: Where are you?
Me: WeHo (In my dream, Universal is located in WeHo. Because it needs to be gayer, I guess.)
911: It's spreading.
Me: Really? That's not good. What should I do?
911: What is it?
Me: It's a little girl.
911: You're going to have to kill her and board up the windows.

At this point the little girl zombie is aimlessly wandering around the office carrying a teddy bear and not really biting at anybody.

Me: Okay. Thanks.
911: Don't die. It was nice talking to you.
Me: Yeah I hope you live too.

Then I hung up and opened a door where some supplies were located but a guy who a minute ago was just a dude, smashed the door open fast right into my face and he was a zombie. I tried to shut the door on him, then I screamed for Ex-Boyfriend who turned out to be standing across the room with an ax. So he came over and we killed the zombie and then started to board up the windows so we could protect the Universal executives, who were sitting around calmly watching as the little girl zombie continued to wander around with her teddy bear.

And then I woke up.

And sometimes I should probably stop thinking about zombies.

My real job is getting in the way of my fake job

I've noticed a common problem among us artistic LA transplants. Work keeps getting in the way of the art.

Every time I work out with Trainer I ask him if he's gone on any auditions lately.

"No, it's been kind of slow," he admits. "I've just been too busy. I need to get on that."

He didn't come to LA to be a trainer, he came here to be an actor. But training is getting in the way of the whole reason he's here. Half the people I know are in the same boat.

For two months I was on vacation and I got used to having all the time I wanted to work on my script. I started a couple of projects before I found what I wanted to work on and now I'm back at work but still trying to find time to get the project done. Except I haven't done shit since I've been back at work.

I've thought a lot about my newest script but haven't actually done anything. I've been working on lesson plans and working out and going to parties where 90% of the attendees were gay men which makes my awesome new cleavage enhancing bra completely irrelevant. I've also been going to parties with Maggie which is awesome but still making my cleavage irrelevant. Then I've been going to dance clubs where some 24-year-old tried to dance with me but has never heard of The Cure before and doesn't understand its purpose. So my party hopping hasn't exactly been a boost for my industry contact situation because apparently without cleavage as my weapon I am handicapped.

I have 1,000 awesome new business cards. I've given out exactly zero.

But I digress.

I've been busy going out and working and kickboxing and I haven't written shit in two weeks. That's an eternity for me. I didn't come to LA to be a teacher. I was already teaching just fine in my little back woods land of Republicans and mule celebrations (Not kidding - they have an annual festival where they celebrate the existence of the mule) and definitely did not need to trek my ass across the country to trade my tractor driving kids for my adorable band of city folk. I came to write.

I have to get back into a routine. If I write the same time, same place every day it will get easier. Because although I like my day job, I'm not letting it get in the way of my dream job.

Good movies make more money. Duh.

Of course I saw Iron Man this weekend, just like everybody else in America, and of course I liked it, as did everybody else in America.

My main thought about this is that the studios need to take note of what makes the big bucks this summer. Iron Man didn't make a ridiculous amount of money simply because it had explosions. It made money because it had explosions AND was a good story.

People like the spectacle. They like a fun film with badass moments, but those moments are useless unless the story is good. A movie with explosions makes a lot of money. A movie with explosions that push the story forward makes more.

Those first ten pages

Last night while I was lying awake and going over my usual script notes in my head, I distracted myself from plotting my next screenplay by thinking about introductions. Well okay it started with my effort to rework my mugging scene to be as original as possible, and then that lead to me thinking about what makes a movie intro good.

As we all know, one of the things that readers do is throw scripts away after reading like ten pages and being bored. Whenever someone gives me a script to read I always read the whole thing, but I do admit I form an opinion on whether or not I'll like the story as soon as I read the opening sequence.

As I lay there, listening to the traffic go by on Beverly, I created a theory. I think there are two things that are key when you write your opening:

1) Make sure the opening sequence is an accurate representation of your script. By that I mean, if this is an action script then you better damn well open with a fucking action scene. X-Men 2 is all crazy action as you watch Nightcrawler hop around the White House like a maniac. When The Matrix opens you have no idea what the hell is going on, but you know it's cool when Trinity runs up a wall and knocks a couple of cops right the fuck out. Even Shakespeare knew. Romeo and Juliet opens with a sword fight and when you think about it that story is pretty much an action script. Look at Star Wars - that big space ship goes flying overhead shooting that little one and you go - oh hell yes this is about a big old space ship shooting people and shit.

So if your story is a romantic comedy then I should see some funny relationship antics right up front. A talky drama? Give me some really dramatic talking.

But it's also important that it not waste time. The opening scene to Romeo and Juliet sets up why Romeo is later deported, and it also tells us about the fighting between the Capulets and Montagues. Nightcrawler's attack on the president is what clues the X Men into what's going on, and it sets off the president's persecution of mutants. Okay so maybe Trinity's big rooftop race isn't completely vital to the plot, but it sets up the world we live in for the duration of the film, and it does hint at the treachery to come.

2) The opening scene needs to grab my ass and plant it in a chair for the duration. Yes, I prefer action so unless you have an explosion or gun battle in the first few minutes you will have a hard time demanding my attention, but you can still get it. Give me an emotion. Give me a person to care about.

The opening to Office Space is nothing but dudes sitting in traffic. But when Peter watches that old man with the walker speed ahead of him and gives up all hope of being on time for work, you get not only a good chuckle, but a good idea of who Peter is. And then when Michael Bolton locks his door surreptitiously because he's afraid of the black man selling flowers when he was busting rap lyrics two seconds ago - a laugh and a clear idea of who Michael is. And speaking of traffic, as soon as Michael Douglass steps out of his car at the beginning of Falling Down you immediately get a sense that some shit is about to hit the fan. It keeps you watching.

I think the most important thing about an introduction is not to waste any time. Some writers get all caught up in introducing the world of the main character in this laborious way so that we see every aspect of their lives and leave nothing to chance. And that's great and all and I'm glad you did some backstory, but I don't care. I want the laugh or be moved or watch something explode. Get to your point quickly and move on.

As for me, I opened Not Dead Yet with an attack almost immediately. Within the first 10 pages a mass of zombies has been taken out, an old lady is dead and a husband and wife have a break in philosophy that affects how they deal with each other for the rest of the script. So it may be a lot of things, but my intro isn't boring.

Usually I turn to gunfire and explosions to make sure my script opens with a literal bang, but this time I don't have that. I have a mugging, which is pretty exciting, but it can also be boring as hell if I don't do it right since the muggers don't actually have any weapons. And with the added bonus of not being able to use the old Haggis Crash intro, I'm going to have to work to figure out a clever way to get my reader's brain firmly focused on my script from minute one.

As soon as I figure that out I'll post my results.

Thoughts on the script: Tonight, He Comes (AKA Hancock)

Yesterday and today, according to my plan, I finally got around to reading Tonight, He Comes, which was the original title for the new Will Smith film Hancock. I'm not sure how many changes have been made to the draft I read because it was a version from 2002 and it read very much like a spec. It's pretty obvious already that there are some significant changes from this version to the screen which makes me sad because I think Peter Berg could have shot this as is and it would have been satisfactory, but he usually does good work so I'm willing to trust him a little.

But seriously this may be the best god damn screenplay I've ever read.

No, really. I'm not even fucking kidding.

I'm really, really glad I scrapped that super hero with social anxiety script because this is a similar concept executed a thousand times better than what I was planning.

Why did I love this script so much, you may ask?

A lot of that probably has to do with my personal preferences in film anyway. It's no secret I like a lot of violence in my stories, but I also love relationships featuring a strong woman and a man who can't quite prove himself the way he should but understands her better than he knows. I also love flawed heroes. This story has all that.

Hancock is a Superman like hero who strongly believes in doing the right thing, but can't handle the pressure of being solely responsible for protecting people. He can't get close to anyone and he's cracking up. He befriends a family run by a patriarch with no balls of note who is of course humiliated by the fact that this stranger can protect his family better than he can.

It's about different kinds of courage. It's about not letting life drag you down. It's about accepting who you are. It's about what true love means. It's about family. I laughed out loud six times. I cried a little. I smiled warmly at the end. I fucking loved this script.

Some of that is also probably a result of the style. The writer, Vy Vincent Ngo, who up to now has only some minor television credits, has a really distinct writing style. It borders on too much personality at times, but for the most part it's fun as hell to read.

For example:

INT. NICK'S MARKET - DAY

Your average market, mom and pop.

Artichokes! Mary handles an artichoke, contemplating. Nick (30), the grocer, moves in behind her. He's handsome in a greasy, grimy, rebuilt carburetor kind of way.

NICK
That's a lovely dress, Mary.

If he could mount her, he would.

MARY
You're sweet Nick.



There's a lot of little chuckles embedded in the script and I really enjoyed the read. There are some that don't work (A look "squatted" on someone's face comes to mind) but you get a real sense of a broken world in desperate need of fixing on the part of everybody involved in this story.

Sadly, I just read a few articles on the film and it looks like they gutted the script I loved so much.

I am sad.

Reading is hard

I have some really cool screenplays on my computer that I haven't read. Thanks to some of you and your awesomeness and the general awesomeness of other people, I've been lucky enough to have about 100 screenplays on my laptop right now. I've read about 5 of them. Some of them I've been wanting to read for ages.

I think the reason I haven't read most of them is that they're just so time consuming. It's easy to read a novel when you're waiting for your oil change or sitting on the toilet or generally bored or getting ready for bed. You can read one chapter or two and stop whenever you're ready, picking up right where you left off the next day.

But for some reason I can't do that with a screenplay. You're not supposed to watch a movie in half hour increments, you're meant to plant your ass in a chair for two hours and glue your eyeballs to the screen. And since a script is usually terse and only includes necessary information you kind of have to pay attention.

And that means devoting at least an hour of your time to reading it.

I try reading them at work sometimes but it's hard when you have five bored seniors eating lunch in your room and drawing rainbows and shit all over your paper covered desks while they giggle and flirt.

They want me to tell them which girl in their class I think is most likely to get pregnant. They also eat a lot of Cheetos with lime.

I really want to read the new Will Smith movie about the alcoholic superhero but it seems that every time I settle in to reading something comes up. And it's just so hard to understand what's going on when your attention is sapped every two minutes by some kid who wants to know if you've seen his textbook.

My yearbook staff is working on an art project they seem pretty pleased with. It's a Project Runway style thing where I had them choose an image in a magazine and use that as inspiration for a two-page spread. So far they have done some really creative shit.

But they really only need me to walk around periodically and make suggestion, so I think I'll attempt to read that screenplay during fourth period today. I hope it's good.

I don't want to be a copy cat

Usually when I start a script I see the first 15 or so pages clear as a bell in my brain. It takes like five minutes to get them down.

This time, though, I have kind of a dilemma. It's not that I don't see the scene, it's that I'm not sure I can use it the way I want to.

I want to open with a scene of two white girls getting out of a cab and two Latino boys mugging them. Only before the mugging I want the boys to have a conversation that makes them seem relatively innocuous so we are first threatened by their appearance, then relieved when we hear them talk, then threatened again when they mug the girls.

And that would be cool and all except Stupid Paul Haggis and his stupid Oscar winning script already did exactly that in Crash. The story opens with two guys talking social issues and then robbing two white folk on the street.

First of all, I liked Crash very much.

However...

My story will not be nearly as heavy handed and preachy, and it will follow one kid and one woman instead of hitting all the racial groups around LA. And the story is so vastly different that I might make a few comparisons (It's Crash meets some random coming of age story to be determined later), but all in all my story is different enough that nobody will really accuse of anything nefarious.

Except for this stupid intro scene. Of course my dialogue will be different and the outcome of the scene will be different, but the first three minutes will probably seem eerily similar.

So what do you think? Do I go ahead with my planned intro and risk people turning off because they think I'm a copy cat? Or do I start right off with the mugging and skip the dialogue but lose some of the intended perspective on the scene? What would you do?

I feel good about this

The more I think about this 15 year old Latino boy script the more I like it. Except now he's not 15 anymore, he's 17. Last night I couldn't sleep because vacation has messed with my ability to go to bed before midnight, so I stared up at the ceiling and remembered things that have happened to my students over the last three years, things I can include in my story.

I went to Barnes and Noble on Saturday and bought two books on life inside gang territory. My kid isn't in a gang, but he lives in a gang infested area and there will be some mention of them. I want to be accurate. Plus now that school has started back I can use my students as a resource. I told them today that I was working on a project about gangs. They immediately volunteered to tell me all about it, probably because they enjoy anything that sounds like a distraction from learning about the difference between metaphor and simile.

Not Dead Yet worked because as I wrote the story in my head it naturally came together. One moment lead to to the next until each setpiece was a natural progression from the last. It was nearly effortless. I almost stalled out on this whole tidal wave scene but I called a friend and we worked through it together.

The superhero movie wasn't as easy. I knew the beginning and I knew the end, but I had no idea how to get from point A to point B, and that's why it inevitably failed. The pieces refused to cooperate and make it easy for me.

And that's also how I know this one will work. Last night as I lay there, wishing I had done a better job of readjusting to my work schedule, I watched the characters in my head move from one moment to the next out of necessity. I didn't have to push them anywhere; they pushed themselves. It was effortless.

Of course, I haven't actually tried to write anything yet so this could all be complete bullshit.

Still, I feel much better about the possibilities of this script than I did about my superhero thing. I may even write this first since the only reason I started a Pushing Daisies was to distract me from the fact that my script wasn't working. I need a second solid feature, this could be it.

I also like the idea of writing this because although it will still have the requisite gunfire and fist fights constant in all my work, it will be much more serious on a Sundancy kind of level. (And if I get any indication that it can be finished in time, I will send it to the Sundance thing so thanks for the suggestions in that direction.) This is the kind of story that people think of as deep emotional shit. You have a hard time convincing people your zombie story is deep emotional shit, but mention your coming-of-age story about a Mexican American boy who's just trying to fight his way out of gang infested South Central, and people immediately see the potential for depth.

That's good, right? One story about zombies, one story about poignant shit. That should get me some attention. Right?

Hi ho, hi ho

Yesterday morning I went to work convinced I'd be traveling and teaching 9th grade. Oh, and for those nonteachers, "traveling" means moving to a different classroom every period because there aren't enough rooms for everyone to have their own. I haven't traveled in a long time because I've always had to stay in one place for yearbook, but now the book is finished so I figured it would be my turn. And without yearbook class I just knew I'd end up with freshmen.

I dislike freshmen. They're obnoxious and childlike and haven't figured out what to do with their hormones and growing limbs. They annoy me. But I could handle all that if the curriculum didn't suck so much. LAUSD has decided that every 9th grade class must be taught the exact same way with very little room for creativity. I'm terrible at following directions and one of the things that keeps me in the classroom is the fact that I can change things up all the time.

Also the benefits and supportable salary and four months of vacation and the ability to talk about books all day, but other than that it's the creative ideas I can explore.

So anyway, I went to work yesterday just knowing my year of awesomness was going to catch up with me and I was going to have to move from room to shining room filled with ADHD infected 9th graders.

I forgot how much my boss loves me. And after this week I will never question her wisdom ever again.

I'm pretty sure none of you will understand just how much joy I felt when I found out that I am not only in the best classroom in the school all day, but I have a yearbook class.

We're done with the yearbook. Do you know what this means?

I'm guessing you don't. Unless you've taught yearbook too, then you can probably imagine.

It means I can really teach. I can do all kinds of cool projects and spend time actually teaching design concepts and preparing for next year and creating a distribution event and take pictures for next year and - here's the kicker - set up the school newspaper. This semester another teacher and I are starting our school's first paper. It's so super exciting I can't stand it.

(And no, RP, I'm not using an exclamation point. I get excited on the inside. Outside my face is stony, just for you.)

I'm also teaching a section of 10th graders under a new curriculum so I have a lot of work to do before school starts on Monday, and I've decided to teach Catcher in the Rye this semester for the first time to my 11th graders. So I will be very very busy this semester because I have three completely different classes ("preps" we call them) that will all involve different approaches. To be honest, though, that's how I like it.

Somehow in all that I still have a spec Pushing Daisies to finish and a new script to write and a short film to preproduce, but I'll figure it out. I promise I will still try to write a post every day during homeroom, but there may be days when I'm whirling around like a dervish and can't get to it, so don't go anywhere if I don't post. I won't disappear for more than a day.

I guess I'm never truly happy unless I'm up to my eyeballs in stuff to do.

My life as a 15 year old Latino boy

Tomorrow I go back to work.

So on my two month vacation I finished Not Dead Yet (I'm going to talk more about that soon) and threw it out to the world. I started a script and abandoned it, I started a Pushing Daisies which I plan to finish in time for Disney, and I thought up a new idea.

There's just not enough time to do all the things I need to do. I never did write up the proposal for journalism class I planned to put together, mostly because I was distracted by episodes of Blind Date.

I do have a tendency to drop scripts when they get too tough. I had this idea about a character with superpowers and some major social anxiety. The problem is no matter what I did I could never get the plot to work. Every page felt like garbage because I didn't believe in it, and if you don't believe in it the script won't be very good. So I'm dropping it until I figure out how to solve my plot problems.

Then the other night I was thinking about what sets me apart from other writers and what kind of individual experience I bring to the screenwriting industry. Just one thing: I'm a middle class white teacher of poor Latino kids.

Whenever people find out what I do for a living they always say either "Ooooh like Freedom Writers!" or "Oh, like Dangerous Minds!"

Sometimes they'll say I'm just like Michelle Pfeifer! One guy, when I told him I teach in South Central, asked how I liked teaching Ebonics.

Yeah I don't really like talking to racists, asshole. Besides, my kids speak Spanglish. Get it straight.

Anyway, those movies are all well and good but not horribly realistic. Most movies about teachers in the ghetto are about some white teacher who comes into a classroom where the kids are out of control and turns them around through his or her wacky methods.

Yeah that happens about never.

I don't go to my kids' homes and try to convince their parents they should care more about their children. I don't spend half my salary on supplies. When I go home, I grade papers and I think about my lesson plans, but I don't stay awake at night dreaming of how I can change their lives.

That doesn't mean I don't care. God, I care. I gave one little felon my cell number and told him to call me when he gets backed into a corner and has nowhere to turn. I teach my ass off in that room. I counsel those kids all the time. But most of the time my class is pretty standard and the kids behave like normal teenagers, and I learned my first year of teaching that if you try to "save" every kid you will drive yourself crazy with the painful futility of it all.

But that doesn't make for a good movie.

So I realized the other night that I want to write a story that's a little more realistic. I want to show that most of the time these kids have so much going on at home that although teachers can help, they can't save a kid from a crappy home life. I want to show that most teachers are not saviors and they're not evil overlords. Most teachers are human beings who care but don't kill themselves over the job.

I'm also tired of seeing movies where every Latino kid goes home to a single parent home and deals with gangs and drugs and that's his life. Most of my kids aren't in gangs. Most of them don't do anything harder than pot. Most of them don't even know how to shoot a gun. Many of them have both parents at home.

Yes, my kids are more exposed to crime than most. Every one of them could easily travel down the path that leads to prison. But in the end they have to make the decision for themselves about where they plan to end up, and their teachers can give them advice but they are in charge of their own lives. I just don't see that enough in film.

So I'm going to write a story about a 15 year old Latino male in South Central Los Angeles who has to decide whether to lead a life of crime or take the hard road. And he has to do it on his own. And he has two loving parents who have jobs and nobody beats him and he goes to school and has normal, responsible teachers who don't always know about the personal issues that sometimes make kids behave like little asshats in the classroom.

The upside of this undertaking: I feel like I have a really clear idea of my mission and my plot. The downside: my protagonist is a 15 year old Latino male. I am none of those things. I can only hope my experience with my students will be enough to let me voice him accurately. I'm going to refer to the script as Jacking.

And I really hope I don't ditch this script halfway through.

Introducing my boxing movie

Thanks to some prodding from people who want to see it produced, I've decided to go ahead and start preproduction on The Corner. The Corner is a 15 minute short about two amateur boxers who have to deal with the issues they have outside the ring during a fight in the ring.

The entire story takes place inside the ring and focuses mostly on the drama created every time each man heads to his corner.

I wrote this short for three reasons: I always wanted to write a boxing story, I needed a second short to develop one of the characters from Game Night, and I promised I would write something two of my excellent actor friends could star in. It doesn't hurt that this will be a film staring two hot dudes with their shirts off, pummeling each other. Sorry ladies, a friend of mine already has dibs on being the spray bottle / towel girl.

I really like this story. I think this is the best of the eight shorts I've written and I'm very excited to shoot it. The biggest challenge I face here is probably getting ahold of a boxing ring where we can shoot this for cheap. I have several leads, and I think as soon as I make a few calls I may have a beaten down gym that will suffice.

If anybody wants to participate in any way there are plenty of things I could use. When filming comes I will be needing plenty of extras to sit in the audience and cheer for the boxers. I'll also need a DP, a gaffer, and an AD.

I'll also be looking for two actors. They both need to be forty something former boxers who have become trainers. One must be white with a strong jawline and high cheekbones with blue or green eyes or a willingness to wear contacts (yes, it matters) and the other can be anything as long as he's sarcastic and muscular and looks like he could beat somebody's ass.

I hate casting. HATE IT. It's my least favorite part of the film process. So if you know anyone who fills either of these two roles feel free to pass their names along because I'd rather cast someone through a recommendation than through a casting notice.

On the off chance that anyone is interested, I have also put up a donation button on the sidebar. I would use this money for filming the short ONLY. This money goes straight to my savings account, where it doesn't come out again until I have to pay for filming costs. Anyone who would like to invest would get invited to the premier of both Game Night and The Corner as well as a thank you in the credits for The Corner. If you'd like to read the script before donating I will shoot you the PDF.

I'm not asking anybody for anything, of course, but a few people have emailed me and asked how they could help so I thought I'd post it here.

I also plan to make sure the film will be edited faster so that I can send it to festivals a lot sooner than Game Night. Now that I've done one film I feel a lot better prepared to shoot this one. Either way, come September I will be shooting my boxing movie.

Game Night keeps on keepin on

I originally shot Game Night, the story of two couples in the middle of a game of Taboo that turns sexy and violent, in September of last year. I lucked into a terrific crew and some really great actors and shot it in my apartment on a weekend.

We had fun and we made some great shots. Preproduction and production went beautifully. It's post that's been a massive hassle.

My script supervisor/AD was volunteered as my editor. I screwed up there. Someone else spoke up for her as my editor and she never disagreed, so I stopped thinking about it. I didn't budget for an editor because she was going to do it for free.

Then my DP and my AD started to get real jobs, not free student shorts that would never make any money. And I certainly can't blame them for moving on because they have to make a living and they did a lot to help me through this process.

So three months after we shot all the footage my would-be editor told me she didn't have time to put the footage together.

I went looking for a new editor, but I hadn't budgeted for one so I knew it would be tough to get a good one to volunteer. I was lucky enough to get a recommendation for a guy who actually works in a professional studio. The downside is he's busy as hell and doesn't have a lot of free time. So I still have no completed footage almost 8 months after we shot it.

I missed some deadlines. My actors are very politely harassing me about footage for their reels, my composer has probably forgotten I exist, and I don't have any scenes to put up on my website.

But it's getting done.

I learned from this process that next time I need to set aside enough money to pay a professional editor and insist they edit quickly. In the meantime I might pick up some software and learn to do it myself so I don't have to rely on others in the future.

And tomorrow I'll talk about exactly what that next project is.

An ode to the best shows ever

Some of you already know this, but when I was a kid I watched way too much TV so my parents forbid me from watching it. I was allowed to watch the news and Twin Peaks. I'm not kidding. Fraggle Rock was forbidden but a show about a man who boffed his own daughter was completely okay.

I got pretty used to not having a TV. When I went to college I didn't have one in the dorm my first or second year, and man was it good for my grades. Then when I moved into my first apartment I finally bought this 1997 cabinet television a friend was getting rid of. It weighs 800 pounds and sits on the floor and I still have it. It cost me $35.

One night I was flipping channels and I came across this intriguing little image. It was a little gray puppet wandering all over a space ship. It was "Exodus from Genesis," the third episode of Farscape, and I was hooked.

Farscape was true genius. An American astronaut gets shot into space by accident and ends up on a space ship full of escaped alien prisoners
who then become the subject of a universe-wide manhunt. Sometimes the show went way out there, but even though it was full of crazy puppets it still always had real emotional content. I cried, I laughed, I loved those characters.

Then one day I was flipping channels and I saw this redheaded chick give a pair of pez dispensers to some little werewolf dude. It was season three of Buffy the Vampire Slayer, and I was hooked. I loved that show. Every episode left me with a smile or a tear or a gaping open mouth. It always elicited an emotion because I cared about the characters.

On both shows people changed drastically from who they were when the story started. People died, people were flawed.

On Farscape they were always making life worse for people when they came around. Not on purpose of course, but it seems every decision John made on that show resulted in multiple deaths. It was a hell of a responsibility to take on. And Buffy was responsible for protecting the world from evil. So I guess that's the key to a good show for me - a flawed individual with enormous responsibility surrounded by people who grow and change under extreme circumstances.

They inspired me to watch more television and still today I regularly pop in my DVDs and run marathons of both shows. Sometimes I'll remember a line or a moment I want to remember so I'll watch an episode, and once I watch one I have a strong desire to watch the next one so I just keep on going until I get to the end.

These are the two shows that inspire me the most.

When I'm done with Pushing Daisies I might go back to my feature idea, but if I'm not ready for that yet I'll start in on my pilot. It's in the space bounty hunter genre. And it will definitely have a flawed hero with lots of responsibility surrounded by friends and enemies who change and grow over time. Because that's what I like.

The epic question that is Predator vs Alien

I will answer more comments' questions later, but first I have a debate for you to weigh in on.

The other night Ex-Boyfriend came over - yes the one who shocked himself in the eyeball and yes we are still on excellent terms because he is hilarious and likes to do violent things to himself which is always entertaining - and we watched Alien Versus Predator Requiem.

This fine film of course elicited a great deal of philosophical debate that got so intense I was concerned the neighbors would call the cops to report a domestic disturbance.

Question one: Would you rather live in a world with five Predators and five Aliens, or five velociraptors and five tyrannosaurus rexes?

Of course I went with the dinosaurs. For one thing, they don't have a specific vendetta against us and none of them bleed acid, and I'm in agreement with all those scientists who think the T-Rex was a scavenger, not a hunter. However, the velociraptor is very scary and after it claws you in your stomach you are alive when it eats you. Sam Neil said so and I believe it. So then Ex-B said, what if instead of a velociraptor it was a brontosaurus? Well of course I am not afraid of a brontosaurus. But then he said that would be worse because a brontosaurus would smash the building you're in and you'd be crush by debris and he'd rather be eaten than crushed by debris. But a brontosaurus is so big you'd see it coming so you could run out of the building, whereas if a raptor came after you it would be all up on your grill before you knew what was going on.

Question 2: The obvious - who is more awesome, the Predator or the Alien?

I know I'm in the minority on this one but the Alien scares the bejeezus out of me. Ex-B can ramble on about the virtues of Mr. Dreadlocks all he wants, I'm going with the creature that plants its young in your stomach and bleeds flesh-eating acid. You can't reason with an Alien, it's only desire is to make a hole in your skull and have more Alien babies. Plus it can swim fast.

Ex-B pointed out that Sigourney Weaver took the Alien out all by herself in her underwear. Yeah, but she had to use the vacuum of space to do it. Twice. And the third time she had to trick it into a big pool of lava. And I don't remember what happened the fourth time - I think it was the vacuum of space again, but I don't really care because that movie was kind of terrible. But the Predator? Just shoot it enough times and it will die.

Question 3: Would a true Predator vs Alien movie make bank?

This is the question I'd love to have your opinion on. Apparently Robert Rodriguez once pitched a film where the Aliens would invade the Predator homeworld or the Predator would invade the Alien homeworld - I don't remember witch - and the whole film would be based on that. And there would be some deep space exploring humans who get caught up in the story but mostly it's strictly and Alien/Predator thing.

I think that sounds kind of awesome. I admit, when I was watching AVPR I wanted more hot Predator on Alien action. I was kind of rooting for the Predator and I don't feel like the film gave me enough of his story because it was so busy making me follow around these annoying humans with their stupid relationship drama. And I never felt like I got enough Predalien (or "Alietor" as Ex-B referred to it because "Predalien sounds gay") because the scenes with that crazy motherfucker were brief and shot in very quick cuts. I wanted to see the thing in an epic battle - instead it was all cut short.

But in a film that was just Predator and Alien and no humans at all, you would see nothing but awesome. I think it's a great idea.

But here's where we differed. I don't think a film like this would ever make money. There would be no dialogue - just that gargle sound the Predator makes and the rattling juicy Alien noise and nobody would ever say anything.

And admittedly that sounds so revolutionary and awesome. You could still have lots of cool subtext, but it would all have to be done by creatures who are not human at all. It would be actors in suits and CGI and animatronics. It would be truly original.

But I think it would also keep people from seeing it. Ex-B brought up Apocalypto. But even that film featured humans and had subtitles. If you try to add subtitles to the Predators it becomes comedic, not badass. And people don't go see an AVP movie because they love to read.

I'd love to see that movie, but I don't see why a studio executive would take that kind of risk.

So I want to know what you think. Would you go see it? Do you think it's a good idea? What if velociraptors joined in?

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Thanks for all the posts yesterday, everybody. I liked reading all the comments. Although I was kind of surprised by how many people seriously thought I didn't know how to look up words to spell them correctly when I made it so abundantly not clear at all that I was making a joke. But thanks to everybody for such nice compliments.

Anyway, I will begin answering questions. Today's topic is why the hell don't I ever use exclamation points?

Stuff does not bother me much. People are always asking me if I mind things, and usually the answer is no. I used to get bent out of shape about stuff but now, eh, things tend to work out. No reason to stress it.

I tend to be happy all the time because of this. I'm a silver lining kind of gal. People call me when they feel like crap because they know if there's a positive outlook to have, I'll know what it is. It's my special skill.

This is why I have a nonexistent relationship with the exclamation point. It was recently pointed out to me that I never use them. And as I examine my past posts I realize that it's absolutely true - the exclamation point is a nonentity in my life, kind of like my real dad.

I think one of my favorite benefits from my no-exclamation-point policy is how much it frustrates uptight people. The other day some guy got all bent out of shape and yelled at me because I didn't want to give him my contact information and I just sort of looked at him. And then he yelled some more and I just stood there, leaning. You're a lot cooler when you don't use exclamation points. And when you lean.

Exclamation points are annoying! When you read forty student papers in one day and they use exclamation points at the end of every single sentence you start to want to stab everybody you see! Because they use that form of punctuation to elicit fake enthusiasm! Like when they describe a character going to the store! Or being raped! Or picking his nose! All of these things are very exciting! And by the time I'm done reading my eyebrows are around my hairline!

Ugh. It's just exhausting dealing with all that forced emotion. It also reduces the impact of the symbol when you use it constantly. Chances are if I use an exclamation point, it's a very significant moment.

My thesis director once said, "Your entire writing career, you get two exclamation points that aren't dialogue related. That's it. After that you've gone too far." And although I don't usually take well to hard and fast rules, that's one I find appealing. Rich bottle blonds named Bridget who carry around chihuahuas in a little pink Prada bag use exclamation points. Low key Emily Blakes do not.

So I only use exclamation points in dialogue when characters yell at each other. I almost never use them in prose form. I might go "Wooo!" or "Thanks!" but I'm never going to go "Read my script! It's about zombies!"

That is just too much bouncy fake emotion for me. I prefer to keep it cool.

Pushing Daisies and stuff

I'm having fun with Pushing Daisies. I think the hardest part so far is trying to fit in the narrator. I'm a big fan of subtle, but Pushing Daisies is kind of the opposite of subtle, given that you have a narrator telling you what everybody's feeling every thirty seconds. At first I was having trouble figuring out where to put him, but I started the second act this morning and I'm starting to get into the flow so my narrator's voice is improving.

I've been watching episodes on ABC.com and learning a few things. For one thing, the show is in six acts. Not a teaser and five acts, but six official acts. It says so in the pilot. I haven't yet seen official scripts for other episodes but I'm on the lookout, if anybody has one.

Anyway, every episode begins with Young Ned learning some lesson that applies to the episode at large. Then we learn about today's victim, then we solve it. And at the core of everything is Ned and Chuck and their inability to touch, so every episode must be in some way about people who distance themselves from each other.

That's kind of right up my alley so this is turning fun. Plus I'm writing about something I've researched a great deal in the past, which makes the plot flow easily. I forgot how much fun writing a spec TV episode was.

In unrelated news, today's topic sucks because I couldn't think of anything more exciting to write about. Anybody got any suggestions? I'm not a pro writer or anything, but I am good at Taboo. And drinking people under the table. And straight kicks. And cooking chicken parmesian, which Firefox says is spelled wrong but won't give me an alternative spelling and I am too lazy to go to my dictionary and look up.

You're reading this for some reason, so what do you want me to talk about? Also, say hi or something because most of you never say anything and I'd like to know who you are.

Single white entertaining

Tonight I went to a taping of the pilot for the newest Fred Savage sitcom, Single White Millionaire.

I'm not a sitcom person, really, especially sitcoms with a laugh track. In fact the last sitcom I watched that had a laugh track was Friends, but tonight they were willing to pay me $15 to sit and be entertained so I figured, what the hell.

Two years ago I went to the WB lot to watch another Fred Savage sitcom, Crumbs, film an episode. This was the same soundstage and the set looked exactly the same.

Thank goodness, this was funnier. I hope the show makes it on the air because there were a few times when I did a throw-up-your-head-and-guffaw kind of laugh. It still had some formulaic sitcom elements, but all in all it was way funnier than any multi-camera shows currently on the air. At least, that's how it felt in the audience.

The last time I saw a taping I'd never been on a set. Now that I've produced and directed Game Night I had a different perspective on what I was watching. I liked watching the way the jokes changed. For instance, in one line Fred's character Rick says he's tired of being a "spinster." That got crickets from the audience. On the next take they changed it to "old maid" which received uproarious laughter.

On the way out I overheard a guy ask his date what "spinster" means. I didn't realize that was an unfamiliar word but I guess it was.

Barney the cat was my favorite part of the show. Rick has a beautiful gray fancy cat that according to Fred was perfectly fine until the audience showed up. He absolutely refused to sit still despite the desperate pleas from his trainer.

That resulted in a mistake for the script, I think, and now I begin to wonder how often this kind of thing happens. There was a scene where Rick was supposed to talk to his cat about the hockey games that were coming on that night, but in take after take the cat took off as soon as he yelled out a celebratory line. So Fred suggested taking the cat out of the scene and having him yell "Oh, baby!" instead of yelling the cat's name.

The problem with that is instead of talking to the cat he was then talking to himself, which is a much weaker decision for the story. But what else can you do when the cat won't sit still for the camera?

Another thing that fascinated me was the Prop Master because 1) He was fucking hot and I'd gladly let him be my next bad decision and 2) He was totally obsessed with props. I'm a sucker for a man who loves his job and properly fills out a T-shirt. When every single person who wasn't him was watching the scene play out on stage, he was staring intently at his prop table or running around adjusting details or writing things down or taking pictures of his setup. The actual story going on around him was only a mild concern. The important thing was that he had the spare cat toy ready when the first one broke. I want him to be my prop guy one day.

He could also be handy in my efforts to sleep my way to the top. So far I'm still at PA. Prop Master would be a step up on the sexy food chain.

Just kidding. Maybe.

Anyway, I hope CBS picks up Single White Millionaire because overall it's pretty good which is a real compliment coming from someone who doesn't watch sitcoms. If it airs, watch it. And listen for my loud guffaw. And check out those hot, hot props.

Back to TV again

I'm bouncing back to TV again.

I used to think I wanted to write movies, then TV, then movies again, then TV again. I like both, but this cruel world makes you choose.

I only have the one really reliable film script so I was determined to write a second before I went back to TV again. I've written a couple of posts on the subject. But the feature is bothering me.

Something just doesn't feel right and since I'm not on any actual deadlines I'd rather sit with the script until I figure out the solutions than force it and end up with another mediocre script. Hell, Not Dead Yet took longer to write than anything I've ever done and it was the best thing I've ever written. Coincidence? Maybe.

I was driven to think about this when I read Unk's advice to sit with your script and get really comfortable with it - for a year if you have to - before trying to write something that's not ready.

And while I have a vague idea of what I want to do with the feature I have a really solid idea of what I want to do with Pushing Daisies. The storyline is clear and I can definitely pull off the voices, so I'm going back to TV for the next project. After all, Disney is coming up soon. I might as well write this now rather than rush to get it done.

And when I land an agent I'll let him or her deal with telling me what to write next. For now I might as well write what I'm ready to write.

In the meantime I have a final logline for Not Dead Yet, in case anybody wants to know some more details about the script:

Twenty years after the zombie apocalypse wipes out life as they know it, a married couple learns that they are not alone, and must learn to repair their damaged relationship as they take their children on a dangerous thousand-mile journey to save the life of a woman they’ve never met.

So there you go. I continue my obsession with dead people coming back to life, apparently.

The stories are all around you

I got a questions yesterday about where one comes up with ideas. A lot of people have written about this over the years, but I guess I have my own view of it because I'm one of those people who always has more ideas than I have time to write. Most writers are, I think.

I have an active imagination. Always have had. While other kids watched TV and played Super Mario Brothers, I had access to neither of those things. I didn't even have satisfactory Barbies. Instead I would grab the plastic gun and run around my house pretending to be in the CIA or I would run down to the lake and imagine I was hiding from a gang of evil warlords. So most of what I do comes from the fact that I am incapable of only seeing the world as it currently is. For good or bad, I'm always in a bit of a fantasy.

That's where the idea for Not Dead Yet came from. Ex-Boyfriend and I were sitting around discussing our plan to defend against a zombie attack and it started to sound like a cool story, but one that's been done a dozen times over.

So I thought, let's say we did survive. What then? We've been going out for three months now and I'd suddenly be stuck with him for the rest of my life if we ended up being the only survivors. What if we weren't that compatible after all? I wouldn't have any choice.

So I decided to write a script about that.

The Pushing Daisies I'm working on is based on a man I once knew in Martin County, NC. In fact he may be the most interesting thing in Martin County. He had one major hobby and it's all he ever talked about, so I want to write a story around him. Pushing Daisies ended up being a perfect opportunity for that.

Game Night was based on a game of Taboo I played with a few friends that ended up being way more dramatic than was necessary.

The Corner, the short I'm currently prepping and will talk about some more later this week, was based on the fact that I wanted to write a boxing story I could film with two of my actor friends in the lead roles.

For years I've been marinating a story about a queen based on a project I did in a college French class. I haven't ever written it because it's so far off what I normally write that I don't think I should write it until I establish myself.

Ideas come from all over, but you have to be ready to recognize them when they hit you. All an idea really is is a big WHAT IF moment. What if I'm stuck in a troubled marriage after the zombie apocalypse? What if someone had brought a gun to the Taboo game? What if Batman was afraid of clowns?

The world around you is filled with stories. When people talk, listen. My House spec came from a story a friend of mine told about a time he had to go to the hospital because a spider had laid eggs in his ass. That is not a joke.

And if that still doesn't work, try these websites for inspiration. Fark is a site where people submit odd news stories. Etiquette Hell is a site where people tell stories about horrible wedding behavior - perfect fodder for people who write romcoms, Something Awful posts quirky tidbits from around the Internet. All of these are places to find inspiration. And you can also try reading the newspaper.

But if you try all these things and you still don't see the story, you might want to try being a producer.

Stop making excuses

Last night, instead of going out to some club or bar, Best Friend and I decided to stay up until 5:30 talking about whatever. It mostly consisted of me looking at her bookcase and going, "Oh I read that book. Didn't read that book. Would like to read that book. I really enjoyed that book. Can I borrow this book?"

We are big enough nerds that this is what we call fun.

Best Friend is very well read - much better read than me - and has long wanted to write. Last night she told me about a novel idea she's had in her head for three years and never actually tried to write.

It's a fantastic idea. A best seller kind of idea. A touring, Oprah Book Club, show up on The Colbert Show to talk about it kind of idea, and I'm not the first person to tell her that. But here she is, sitting on it, afraid to write a word.

Why? I asked her.

She said she didn't feel justified writing anything until she'd read everything else. Then she admitted that that was kind of ridiculous. She said she wanted to know every detail of the story before she started writing anything down. Then she admitted that she knew that was a mistake. She said she worried about what her mother would think when she read the stuff she pulled from her family. Then she admitted her mother was more likely to be flattered than angry.

Eventually she admitted that she's afraid it will be terrible. What if she does all this work and pours her heart out on paper and it turns out to be garbage?

And it occurs to me that there are probably hundreds, if not thousands, if not millions of people in the world who feel the same way.

If I never try, I can always suffer under the delusion that I am awesome, I just never had an opportunity to prove it. But if I try and fail, then I'll have to face the fact that my lifelong dream was a fantasy.

So I smacked Best Friend on the head.

Okay, not really, but we did talk about ideas on how she could start working on the project. I'm going to harass her about it regularly from now on because that's what friends do. If she doesn't write this story the world will be deprived of a brilliant idea and she will always wish she had made it happen.

I'm lucky - or maybe just oblivious - in that I've never been afraid of sucking beyond brief moments of self doubt. I usually figure I may suck this time, but I'll just try again and get better until I figure it out. Because a sucky idea on paper can become a good script or novel with some effort, but an idea that never sees daylight will never have an opportunity to be more than just a brainwave.

Everybody's first screenplay sucks. Except Diablo Cody, but she's a freak in more ways than one so we're going to pretend she didn't just break every rule in Hollywood and keep to the theory that everybody's first screenplay sucks. Your first screenplay sucked, didn't it? Mine sucked less than my first short story, but it still kind of sucked.

If you haven't written your first screenplay yet, how will you ever get through the sucky one to get to the good one? If you don't put it down on paper you'll always be stuck in suck mode. Fix it.

Write. That. Shit. Down.

And keep your eyes open for Best Friend and her brilliant novel, coming soon to the best seller list.