Ego

The other night Beefcake and I watched Heaven Can Wait. Now I believe I saw this movie once as a young child, but it was so long ago that I didn't remember it very well at all.

Of course it stars Warren Beatty as a professional football player who is accidentally taken out of his body before he's supposed to be dead, then is temporarily put in another man's body until he can find an athletic body to move to permanently so he can resume his football career. Meanwhile James Mason stands around talking like James Mason.

This movie had its moments. I mean, who doesn't love Warren Beatty on screen? But there are some weird plot issues in this film where people behave in a way that is completely contrary to any reasonable human behavior.

I could get beyond that, though, if it weren't for one gaping issue that I couldn't ignore. Not once do we actually see the body he's been put into. We get a glimpse of the guy's arm while he's lying in the bath tub but we never actually see the body through anyone else's eyes.

So when Joe's lady love says she sees into his eyes all we see is Warren Beatty, except we know that's not what she's seeing. I want to know if she sees a big fat guy or what. And he keeps talking about how out of shape his body is, but seems to think he can get back into shape, but all we see is Warren Beatty in the same shape the whole movie. He doesn't see himself in the mirror, we never see him from anyone else's perspective, he doesn't see any pictures or anything. And it's annoying as hell.

I mean, the story is all about how he's in the wrong body but we never actually see the wrong body. How does that make any sense at all?

I can't think of any reason why you wouldn't at least get a glimpse of what he really looks like except for one thing - ego. Warren Beatty directed the film and I'm guessing he didn't want to share any screen time with another man pretending to be his character, even long enough to look at himself in the mirror.

Although Down to Earth was not the world's greatest remake, at least the Chris Rock version had the awareness to show the body his character was in. Hell, they used the old fat white guy's appearance for comedic purposes.

Ego can ruin even the best high concept comedy.

Let the TV season commence

I love TV premiere week. And this one is more awesome than most because of the writers strike. A lot of these shows have been away longer than usual so I forgot all about what was going on before the break. Like Dean in Hell on Supernatural - I totally forgot about that and when I saw the season premiere I was all like Oh yeah! Oooooooh.

As I was watching that I couldn't help but think about Angel. Angel went to Hell once too, and then he came back. We never totally got an answer as to why he came back - I guess it was The Powers That Be saving a hero from Hell, but it was sort of glossed over a bit. So I was curious as to how they're dealing the Dean resurrection so it's not just a repeat of the Angel plotline.

I was also hoping they'd do something with Sam's superpowers because they seem to have forgotten all about them in the last season. But this episode did not disappoint.

One thing I love about Supernatural is how each season has felt like it had to be the last season. It always has this kind of epic, final feel to it. The end of world always feels like it's one episode away. And now, with Sam's crazy new powers and Dean's crazy new mission, there's gonna be some cool stuff going on this time around. And I still have no idea who to trust.

Meanwhile I've sort of lost interest in Fringe. It just kind of seems so kindergarten. It just doesn't seem like a lot of work went into finding the most interesting story to tell. Granted, it's only on the third episode this week, but I've got a limited amount of time in my day and I'm going to watch something that blows me away, not something that makes me roll my eyes.

I love Lost and much of Alias was awesome, but this one just doesn't cut it.

I am, however, enjoying The Sarah Conner Chronicles. Stuff keeps exploding. and Brian Austin Green continues to look hot and Shirley Manson stabs people in the brain with her finger.

And Heroes is back - yay! Heroes comes and goes for me. It has some really terrific episodes followed by some not so terrific episodes. But Mark Verheiden is working there now and he brings the awesome wherever he goes, so I'm looking forward to the new season.

And then of course, there's Pushing Daisies. I've heard some disturbing things about the studio's demands on Bryan Fuller this season, but I'm willing to wait and see. I'm afraid it will be like Friday Night Lights. Season one was so amazing and for me, season two of that show just lost me completely. I partly felt that way about Veronica Mars - season two was just not as strong as that first amazing season. I adore Pushing Daisies and I want to adore Pushing Daisies season two.

Also airing this week - the premieres of the NBC comedies. I love NBC comedies. I don't understand why ER is still on the air but there are weddings on The Office this season so that should be fun.

Anyway, I just love TV. What shows are you excited to see?

If only I'd thought of it ten years ago

Yesterday I went to watch some friends shoot a YouTube short and ended up doing a line of voice over and posing as a hot slutty lady on some dude's arm. That's always a fun way to spend a Saturday. So now for my second ever appearance on YouTube I will be exposing my cleavage. I'm afraid I've been typecast.

What was particularly fun about this shoot is that when I got there the guys had only a vague idea of a story. Beefcake and I made a Home Depot run and when we got back there was a hilarious completed script and something of a story. So in one day the short was written, lit and shot. And it's pretty damn funny.

A friend who hasn't been a part of the whole zombie script planning situation finally got around to reading my script this weekend. The general opinion was that it's well written and the characters are well developed and there are some good set pieces and some interesting moments, but it seemed like a pretty standard zombie film.

And yet, he also said he was expecting more of a twist at the end. What if the protagonists arrive at their destination to find that everyone there has gone crazy from being locked inside all the time....

Oh, wait, that's 28 Days Later.

Okay, what if they arrive at the destination and the people try to kill the protagonists and take their children.....

Oh wait, that's 28 Days Later.

Okay, what if they arrive at the destination and the people try to kill the husband and take his wife....

Oh wait, that's 28 Days Later.

I admit when I was thinking of this story I was really worried about the similarities between this story and 28 Days Later, but there are enough differences to make mine a new story. If I gave the ending a twist it would become a copycat script. There's pretty much no way around that. I like my script, but that movie has made it much more complicated to sell.

Stupid 28 Days Later.

I am hoping that when World War Z comes out it does terrific at the box office, because then studios will be all like "Who's got a big budget zombie action movie so we can take advantage of this new craze? Oh if only somebody had a zombie movie with explosions and tidal waves and setting castles on fire!" and I will pop into frame like a hero with my perfect script.

Or, I'll just use it to get a job writing something else.

Failed again

Well I didn't win the John August thing. This week John August put up another scene challenge - this time it required the use of a fork, a photograph and a phobia. I haven't been able to set up scrippets yet so this will have to be ghetto style.

FADE IN.
EXT. CHILDREN'S BIRTHDAY PARTY - DAY
Loud music, children's laughter. Kids run like roaches all over the grass in some exhausted lady's backyard, surrounded by parents who have given up trying to corral them. A CLOWN bends some balloon animals for a small CHILD.

A 30-something man dressed in black and and out of breath, ROGER, appears at the entrance to the street. He pauses, looks around, then slips unnoticed into the party.

A woman in her twenties, SANDY, appears in the same street entrance, also out of breath. She scans the party. She see the Clown. She flattens herself against the wall and breathes deeply, eyes closed. The Child comes up to her, waving around his balloon donkey.

CHILD
Hi.

SANDY
Nice... what the hell is that?

CHILD
It's a donkey.

SANDY
An ass? He made you an ass?

She looks up, steadily breathing, at the clown.

SANDY
I fucking hate clowns.

She steels herself, then creeps into the party. She grabs a FORK from a table full of cake. She walks around the Clown, careful not to get too close. She scans the rest of the party, looking carefully through each adult she encounters. Then she sees Roger. They make eye contact.

Roger backs away slowly, looking around for a way to make a break for it. Sandy gets closer. Roger rushes over to the Clown and hides behind him.

SANDY
Fucking clowns.

She takes several deep breaths as Roger looks to the street exit and back to Sandy, who is up on her toes, ready to give chase. She dares not go near the Clown. The Clown turns to Roger.

CLOWN
Would you like a donkey?

ROGER
Fuck off, loser.

CLOWN
Well, I... I don't...

ROGER
Shut up.

He pushes the clown at Sandy, who screams. The children scream. Roger runs to the street. Sandy stabs at the Clown with her fork. The Clown screams. Everybody screams. Sandy pushes the Clown and chases after Roger. Right as he's about to get to the exit she catches him and knocks him to the ground.

SANDY
Where is it, Roger? Give it!

He tries to push her off. She clocks him in the head.

SANDY
GIVE IT!

She digs in his pockets.

ROGER
Help! Help!

The parents watch, drinking margaritas in plastic cups. Sandy pulls a POLAROID out of Roger's pocket. She looks at it. In the photo, Lindsey Lohan sunbathes naked in her backyard. Boobies are present.

SANDY
If you come near Lindsey again I will fucking kill you, you giant piece of crap!

She leaps up and runs out of the party. The Child comes up to Roger.

CHILD
Did you see my balloon?

FADE OUT.


First of all, I wrote it in five minutes. I probably should have put more effort into that.

I chose one of the most common phobias in the contest - clowns. But look, other people who used clowns, Coulrophobia is my ACTUAL PHOBIA. I am actually terrified of clowns, unlike a lot of the people who wrote about them. I'm not talking "Clowns are creepy" or "I don't like clowns." I mean clowns make me hyperventilate and panic and possibly run like hell.

And while we're on the subject I would like to commend Beefcake, who asked me the last time we passed a clown up in front of the Kodak if I'd like him to "Beat the clown up." I did not take him up on it that time, but it's good to know he's prepared to commit clownicide if necessary.

Anyway, I also used another common occurrence in the contest - stabbing someone with the fork. But look, I had to incorporate violence somehow because that's what I do.

At least I had a female protagonist. Most people didn't even include girls.

And just now this minute I thought of an actual event from my life that did indeed involve all three of the elements in the contest. In retrospect, I should have just written up that scene. Maybe for shits and giggles I'll write that up tomorrow.

Alas.

Time to mold the clay

I'm just about done with the first draft of Fear of Clowns and it's horrible. But that's okay because I expected it to be horrible. It's also going to be somewhere in the range of 70 pages.

I feel like this script, more than most, is a big pile of clay. I plopped it down and rolled it into a ball and shoved it on the wheel thingee and pulled it up into a tall blob. Now comes the part where I have to make it into a vase. Then comes the part where I bake it, and then the part where I paint it. And when I'm done it will be all pretty and violent.

Today I rewrote my final confrontation scene. See, the last script I wrote, as you know, was about fighting zombies. So the fight scenes I'd grown accustomed to writing involve lots of cool martial arts moves and bludgeoning and one-on-thirty battles with a broom handle as the only weapon.

So yesterday, when I sat down to write the final gunfight, I went a little overboard. The scene is this: a boy who has barely any experience shooting a gun walks into a room with three other boys, each of whom has a gun and each of whom is a better shot. And somehow this boy has to kill the other three without dying.

My first attempt at this was ridiculous. I had all kinds of complicated moves and lots of melodramatic shit. Then I went to sleep and I woke up realizing that it should be simple. Protag kills Kid 1. Kid 2 shoots, hits in a non-deadly place. Protag shoots and kills Kid 2. Kid 3 comes out of the bedroom where he'd been hiding. Both boys stand holding their guns on each other. Then a distraction, and Protag kills Kid 3.

The thing is, Kid 3 and Protag are best friends so I've got one of those, Oh no, what have I done moments where my Protag cradles his dying best friend in his arms after he shot him. And right now it's so cliche it's making me ill.

I don't want people to feel like I'm being melodramatic. I want them to naturally feel for these characters. I want them to really cry when my Protag has to kill his best friend. Right now they'll groan.

And that, I think, is what's in those thirty odd pages I'm missing.

Thoughts on the film: Choke

I just saw Choke.

I got really lucky on that, actually. I was at the gym until 6 punching a bag in front of Trainer while he leaned against a wall, chewing gum. The gym is in Hollywood, the screening was in Westwood. For those of you who don't live in LA, that might as well be in Mexico during 6pm traffic.

Thankfully, Best Friend got there before me and saved a place in line, but even arriving 45 minutes before the screening landed her way back in the line. We weren't sure we'd get in.

We crept to the front of the line and Jeff Goldsmith took in the four last people in front of us and told Best Friend and me, now the first two people in line, to wait.

We waited. About thirty people waited behind us.

He came back out and said there were 2 seats left. We cheered. Everybody else went "Awwwww!"

We went into the theater and Jeff said "Who are those two people with an empty seat beside them?

Four people raised their hands. So because a couple of people can't follow directions, like fifty people were turned away when there were two seats left.

But whatever. Even though we were to the right and in the front row so we had a very odd angle on the film, we were just glad we got in.

So, the movie.

Choke stars Sam Rockwell (who was at the screening and I now believe is also Jason Lee) as a historical reenactor who has a sex addiction thanks to intimacy his nutty mother's (Angelica Huston) bizarre upbringing. The film is mostly a comedy with a shitpile of sex.

It was good. Not great, but good. I laughed, I teared up a little, I enjoyed it. It had some plot elements that were so difficult to believe that I had trouble immersing myself in the film, but given the difficulty of the source material I think Clark Gregg wrote and directed the best film he could.

In the end it was worth the wait and the crappy seating location. And suck it, people behind us in line. Be faster next time.

Let it go

I was on a screenwriting board recently where a new writer was asking about motivation and I gave my two cents. And every single other person disagreed with my two cents. I didn't make a big deal out of it but I thought I'd go into it here where I can explain my opinion in detail.

The basic question was, Is it okay to abandon a script to work on something else?

And I said yes. And everybody else said no.

Allow me to explain.

I finished my first script. It was okay - not something I'd shop around, but not too bad compared to other first screenplays. I got one hit off my logline, but of course the script wasn't good enough so I never heard from that agent again, and to be honest I think she asked for my script less because of my logline and more because I raved about how much I liked the pictures of cats she had on her website. Which, by the way, was a good lesson to learn about the importance of personality in selling yourself.

Anyway, I finished a TV episode and another script and a pilot and another TV episode and that's when things started to go wrong.

The TV episodes were okay but the longer scripts were bad. Real bad. They were both about professional assassins - not the same story, but they both had connections to Mafia dealings and the like, which is something I know absolutely nothing about. So the scripts were terrible.

Then I started a script about three brothers who are professional thieves.

I a) do not have a brother and b) know nothing about professional thieving.

So halfway through the script I realized it wasn't working. I looked back at my previous work and noticed that the reason I was having such a difficult time was because I kept trying to write about things that were completely out of my range of experience. So I scrapped the script completely, 60 pages in.

I decided to try writing a Supernatural. I wrote one draft and it was clearly very bad so I started a rewrite with a new storyline and it was clearly bad and I started a third rewrite with an even newer storyline and it was clearly bad so I decided to give up on Supernatural. That show is surprisingly difficult to write for.

I started a My Name is Earl and realized five pages in that I only had one joke. My plot was about Catalina being threatened with deportation so Earl has to marry her but Randy gets pissed because HE wants to marry Catalina.

Anybody remember that season where that happened? Yeah I was pretty happy that I hadn't written that episode after all, and even happier that's I clearly have the right idea even if I don't really do "jokes".

My point here is, if a script is obviously not working then why not switch to something that does? I learned things from each of those abandoned scripts, but I really don't think my wasting any more time struggling through them, passionless and knowing they wouldn't work, would help me be a better writer. In each case I swapped that script out for something that DID work.

I'm not suggesting to abandon the script when things get tough. When I was working on Not Dead Yet I came to a moment where I wasn't sure I could keep going, but then I realized that I liked this script too much and it had too much potential for me to let it die, so I pushed through and got some help and finished it, and now I'm proud of the result.

If every script you start ends up half finished, you have a problem. But if you are dying to work on that fairy tale drama but feel like you have to wait until you finish this piece of crap torture porn thing you started five months ago and have dragged ass through because you have nowhere to go from here - I say put it down. Go work on something you want to work on. There's no reason to force yourself to finish something just to say you finished it if it's obviously not going to work.

That's just the way I see it because I'm not a big fan of wasting time.

An interview with Carl Greenblatt, creator of Chowder

Ladies and gentlemen, today's post is an interview with Carl Greenblatt, the creator of Chowder, a show on Cartoon Network about a chef's assistant named *gasp* Chowder who encounters all kinds of quirky encounters.

In past episodes Chowder has pitifully raised a baby banana on order from the girl who's madly in love with him, saved his boss' restaurant from an infestation of con artist rats and their pig leader, and gone into his own mouth to conquer the evil "Souron" taste bud that insists all flavors be sour flavors. It's quirky but grounded in a well-established world and it's definitely a kids' show, but with a few inside jokes adults can appreciate.

I don't watch a lot of kids' cartoons beyond Spongebob (for which Greenblatt has worked), but I do like Chowder. It's entertaining on all levels, I think. I especially enjoyed the episode that intentionally broke through the fourth wall, where Greenblatt appeared in puppet form on a cloud to tell a character named Shnitzel he needed to go back home and reestablish the show's traditional dynamic.

And this year, thanks to all his efforts, Greenblatt has been nominated for an Emmy.

I had the opportunity to ask Greenblatt some questions about his journey with Chowder, so here you go:


How did you break into animation writing?

It was a bit of lucky timing. I was working in New York as an advertising art director but felt that it was time for a change. I happened across an ad in Animation Magazine for Nickelodeon saying they were looking for creative people. I loved animation but didn't really have any experience in it. Most of my drawing training was from doing years and years of my own cartoon strips. Not really knowing what they were looking for, I put together a portfolio of character drawings, cartoon strips, and storyboards I had done in advertising. A few months later, I received a call about doing some freelance character designs. That didn't really lead to anything, but I stayed in touch with the development people. The next trip I took out to Los Angeles, I met with them. They really liked my cartoon strips and wanted to forward them along to Steve Hillenburg, the creator of Spongebob Squarepants. He liked them as well and hired me on the show.

Have you written for live action at all? Or film?

Nothing that's been produced. Just some scripts for fun.

How did you come up with the idea for Chowder?

It was important to me that I really use the medium of animation to do things that you could never do in live action. That fantasy element led me to thinking up the idea of chefs who create made-up food. I was also drawn to the dynamic of the Sorcerer's Apprentice. I wanted a young kid who was learning from a kooky old master. The kid had to be kind of shy and weird and chubby. I wanted him to feel different from kids we've seen in other cartoon shows - he had to sound like a real, like the kids in Peanuts. Once I had that dynamic, the rest of the show started to come together. The people at the catering company are essentially Chowder's family, so I had to create characters that would fill out familiar family roles.

What's the general structure of your writer's room?

It's very loose. Usually just three of us (me, the creative director, and the writer) throw around ideas until we get a story into some gelatinous form. Then the writer goes off and bangs out a first draft outline, usually about 2 pages long. After a few revisions, the outline is handed off to a storyboard artist. It's a pretty solitary process - the artist gets about 3 weeks to thumbnail/write out the episode. The artist then pitches it to us, we make revisions, then they take a few more weeks to draw it all up.

You write for a kids show. How do you make sure your jokes are funny to children, and not just you guys?

It has to be relatable emotionally. As long as the story is based on universal truths and relationships, it works. And the jokes can't be based off things in our world; I like to keep the pop culture jokes to a minimum. The comedy should come from the characters' decisions, actions, and behavior, not relying on the audience's knowledge of certain movies or tv shows. Funny behavior always seems to connect well with people of all ages.

How often do you make jokes you know kids are NOT going to get?

I don't mind putting in jokes for the adults. As long as it's a quickie and doesn't affect the plot or the scene. But I prefer it if the jokes work for both kids and adults. When you watch Bugs Bunny, there's stuff you didn't catch as a kid, but you totally can see now. It's not dirty stuff, just a little more sophisticated. I always try to write to that level - to what makes me laugh. Luckily I have the brain of a 13 year old.

How often do you try to make social statements in the show?

We make social statements all the time, but not in a didactic way. We're not here to teach a lesson. We're here to entertain. However, I think the best writing comes from a point of view, and it's hard not to expose your point of view when you're writing these episodes. You have to tap into a social truth to make a character really feel like he's part of a living world. I don't think a writer approaches a story with making a social statement as goal, but once you're done, it's easy to look back and see your views reflected in it.

How did the whole bit about making you into a puppet and putting you on a cloud come about?

We thought it would fun to have a "Wonderful Life" moment for Shnitzel. Peter Borwngardt, the board artist for that half of the episode, took it a step further and had Shntizel meet his creator (me). He drew a really funny caricature of me, and I thought it would be great to do it as puppet.


This year you were nominated for an Emmy. How does that make you feel?

Twitterpated.

If you win the Emmy, will you go to Disneyland?

No, I'll go home and sleep. The ceremony is over 4 hours long!!

Why is a helicopter hovering over my apartment right now? Am I going to be attacked by a SWAT team?

Well that's what you get. You shouldn't have mailed all that anthrax.

If I don't get attacked by a SWAT team, how would a person like me go about getting a job on a show like Chowder?

Kill someone on the crew to make a position open up. Seriously, it's hard for someone to come in cold.The reality of the industry is most jobs are usually filled by people the creator knows or has worked with. In my case that's because I respect their talent or know that I have a good working dynamic with them. It's such a stressful, hectic job that I need people I trust around me to get everything done. And I dislike drama at work.

Do you have any long term goals for the show?

My goal from the start was to make a show that gives kids out there the same happiness I felt when I watched cartoons as a kid. But on top of that, I want parents to say that they enjoy it just as much as their kids do.

Thanks ever so for taking the time to answer these questions. Do you have any extra advice for aspiring writers?

The same advice I give to artists - do it every day. You can always get better, no matter what level you're at.

When story is secondary

The other night a friend and I got in a bit of a disagreement based on the way we watch films.

She said she loved 2001 and I said "Ugh. That movie was so boring. The plot was like 15 minutes long."

And she said she loved Napoleon Dynamite and I said "Ugh. That movie's plot didn't start until halfway into the film."

And she said there was this great moment when this one dude did this thing and I said "But that's a scene, not a movie. A movie is a string of related scenes that work together to tell a story, preferably one with some sort of meaning."

And she said "That's a film. A movie doesn't have to have a story."

And I said, "WHaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa?"

This conversation made me suddenly realize why people love David Lynch.

And yes, I realize I have now insulted a lot of stuff some of you guys like. But at least now I get why.

I love movies with stories. To me, story is paramount. Every camera angle, every wide shot, every line of the score, every jump cut needs to push the story. The goal of the film is to tell a story. It had never occurred to me that there is any other purpose. Maybe that's because I spent my early life learning to be a writer, not a filmmaker. To me, story is the source of everything else.

But my friend disagreed. She said she loves to watch a movie with pretty shots or meaningless scenes that made her laugh. Story is nice and all, but it's not the main purpose of a film.

This is completely incomprehensible to me, but at least hearing her say that helps explain why people don't always consider the screenwriter worth mentioning when they list the credits of a film, or why people revere films that have weird camera shots for the sake of having weird camera shots.

I don't get it, but at least I now understand it.

Syntax

Today over at The Rouge Wave Julie talks about repetition of words in your script. You know, when you use the same language over and over again. I can relate to this problem, especially the part where your characters use the same words.

In Not Dead Yet I had a tendency to have every single character say "Jesus!" or "Christ!" to express frustrated alarm. I had no idea I'd done it this much until Ex-Boyfriend pointed it out to me.

In my current script my two leads are a white woman and a Latino boy, so it's been easy to make them sound the same, but I've had to really focus on giving the kids different personalities. I don't speak Spanish, but the kids speak Spanglish, so to make sure the dialogue sounds authentic but still makes sense to English speakers, I've been using a lot of slang nicknames int he dialogue.

For example, I call everybody "huey" (pronounced "way" and meaning something like dumbass or asshole) at least once. My kids call each other that all the time. I used to have this one kid who mumbled so much he barely ever said anything that made sense, except he used to yell "Hey, huey!" all the time. So his nickname became Hey Huey.

But that doesn't mean every kid uses it all the time. Still, in my script, everybody throws that word around almost as much as they say "fuck."

It's difficult to keep track of that when you're rolling through dialogue scenes, so I started doing something on the last script that I found enormously helpful in fixing this problem. As I read through the script for the third or fourth time, I try to read it as one character only. I read most characters as if I'm listening to them, then when I get to his lines I say them in character. That way I develop his voice with a little more clarity, and I notice when another character sounds too much like him. Sometimes I even switch the lines around when I realize the dialogue sounds more natural coming from another character's mouth.

I'm a big believer in going back and fixing stuff anyway. While some people agonize over that first draft and stop and start and go back and fiddle with scenes over and over before they're finished - I plop down a lot of crap and leave myself little "This sucks ass" notes. I find it a lot easier to go back and fix stuff once you know the whole story. So it should be easy for me to go through the script and make sure one Latino kid doesn't sound exactly like another Latino kid, because no matter what people say, they are not all alike.

Fodder for the Soup

I wish I was a writer for The Soup. As you may know, I'm on vacation. So I've spent the past couple of days sitting on my couch reading, writing and watching TV.

Today I watched Bravo all day, mostly Million Dollar Listing since there was a marathon of it today.

The show follows these three guys as they sell expensive homes to rich people around the LA area. Like right now I'm watching this 19-year-old kid who goes to Pepperdine who has convinced his dad to give him 1.5 million dollars to buy a house so he doesn't have to languish in the dorms anymore but apparently that's not enough money for this kid. How can you ever relate to people in the rest of the world when you moved out of the dorm and into a house in Malibu?

Meanwhile there's this dude named Chad who puts a bottle of hairspray on his bowl cut and spends $600 on shoes that look like they came from Payless.

I know I'm not really a punch line writer, but I can make snide comments about rich people. I spent many of my nights as a teenager watching MST3K and building my own snark skills. I can't imagine much more fun than sitting around watching TV all day and making fun of it.

I love you, Joel McHale. And I love your dog. And I'm adorable. Gimme a job.

Some tips for the noobs

The other day - okay like two months ago - a first time screenwriter I'd given some advice to asked me to read his screenplay. After much hemming and hawing, I finally got around to reading it yesterday and made some notes.

It's been a long time since I read a first script. Oh man.

First let me say, this guy has what it takes in the attitude department. Not only does he take criticism well, but he begs for it. He doesn't get defensive or angry, he listens to suggestion and acts on it, and he has a real passion for the craft. And that's the only reason I agreed to read his script.

In the end, however, I only read ten pages because I realized he needed to fix a few basic things before I could give him any advice on story. I wrote pages of notes just on format and structural stuff and never had a chance to pay attention to the plot. So I gave him some notes and told him to fix the style stuff and send me the next draft so I could advise him on story elements instead of rambling on about character introductions and camera instructions.

I don't know how many of my readers are first time writers, but just in case you are, here's some stuff new writers do, and here's what I told this guy:

1) Make sure the script you're using as a format reference is a SPEC script, not a shooting script. This guy had a character list right up front, the way you do in a shooting script. Spec scripts are written for the reader, not the director, so not only do you leave out camera instructions unless ABSOLUTELY necessary, but you have to make the script feel like a story unfolding on the page, not like a series of instructions for a camera crew. So read tons of spec scripts and pay attention to how they flow.

2) That doesn't mean your script is a novel. Your screenplay is in third person limited point of view. What that means is, it's written by someone who's OBSERVING the events as they happen. I can't read anybody's mind if I'm a limited narrator; all I can do is tell you what I see. Now you may read scripts that include some introspection and mind reading, but chances are excellent that the writer is better known than you and that those instances are few and far between. Instead of telling me "Anna is royally pissed off," tell me "Anna puts her fist through a wall and screams." This especially applies to character introductions.

3) Don't bore me. This is actually rule number one in my classroom when the kids do group projects. You can walk into my classroom and ask all my kids "What's rule number one about projects?" And they will echo like good little boys and girls: "Don't bore the teacher." Your script is over 100 pages long. When's the last time you read 100 pages of something boring? Probably college, and probably with a great deal of resentment. Don't spend eight pages introducing fifteen characters. Get in, get to the story, and introduce the characters as they become necessary. If your story hasn't started by page ten, you've already lost your reader.

Now, I'm not trying to come off as an expert or anything, but I'm certainly not on my first script. God knows I did a lot of this crap when I wrote my first script, but I learned over time not to do this stuff. Maybe by reading this any newbies out there can skip that part so the first person to read your first script can focus on story, not format.

I have a feeling this guy whose script I read will figure it out pretty quickly. Hell he'll probably have a career before I do.

Speaking of my career, I have another cool thing coming up. The owner of PitchQ, a website that posts visual pitches and submits them to companies, is going to guide me through the process so I can blog about it. I'm going to film my pitch for Not Dead Yet and report back on the whole experience. I thought this might be neat because PitchQ is one of the sponsors of the Expo and a prize in the screenwriting contest. Also, I'm a big skeptic about this kind of stuff so it gives me a chance to see if it really works.

So stay tuned. That should be coming soon.

B Story to the rescue

Yesterday I wrote five more pages and then I realized that I was almost finished with my script. Except I was on page 44.

I figure I've got about 15 or so more pages to write, which puts me finishing at around page 60.

I cannot stretch 40 pages.

So I took a look at my script. Should I add some more scenes? Should I pump up the dialogue? Is this maybe not enough story to carry a script?

Then I realized where my problem was - I forgot my B story. Then I realized that explains everything. I have two major characters in this script - a boy and a girl - and I've spent all my time on the boy's story. I've had no trouble writing him and his scenes, but for some reason when the two of them are together I've had a hell of a time with the dialogue. I've got bright yellow notes at the end of each of those scenes that say "Fix this. It fucking sucks."

So when I realized I had completely neglected the girl's story, I also realized that's probably why I'm having difficulty with the dialogue they have in common. I know him well, but even though I wrote up her backstory I still haven't spent a lot of time actually writing her character.

I'm going to go ahead and finish what I've got and get to the end of the story, then I'm going to go back and add in the B story, which will of course make some adjustments to the A story, but it should fix both the story and the page count.

In the meantime, I'm stoked to tell you that I'll be having a few interviews coming up. I'll be interviewing the Emmy nominated creator of the Cartoon Network show Chowder and hopefully the CEO of PitchQ, and then I'll see what friend relationships I can exploit after that. So watch for those interviews.

I've got to go write some pages.

Thoughts on the film: Sunshine

Last night Beefcake and I watched Sunshine. HOLY FRIJOLES that was a good movie.

Don't worry, no real spoilers follow.

I knew this was some kind of scifi space movie and I'd heard it was good, and that's about it. So about 20 minutes into the film there was this beautiful scene with some sunlight and fire and the ship's captain and it just blew me away. Beefcake turned to me and said, "That was amazing."

And I said, "I'm glad you thought so because I thought so too."

And I can't totally explain why it was amazing, it just was. I think like eight million story elements happened in that one moment and it was set to beautiful music. I decided right then that I loved this movie.

Somewhere along the way this turned into a suspense thriller, then a straight up horror movie. But I don't care about genre because in the end it just felt like a story about forgiveness and selflessness and humanity and hope and courage. I spent most of the film hiding behind my pillow.

I was really scared for these people, and I was scared for them because I knew them. Each of the eight crew members on the ship had a distinct personality that set them apart, and each one had a reason for me to care about them. A lot of people die in this story, but each one is a different experience and each one I genuinely feel sad about. Each death was meaningful - I didn't feel like any character was created for the sole purpose of being cannon fodder.

I guess what I'm trying to say is, Sunshine felt like a story. It didn't feel like it was written by committee or with a formula in mind or keeping strictly to conventions of genre - it just felt like a story. There were a few moments in the end where I didn't know what the fuck was going on, made more complicated by the bizarre camera movement, but after a bit it cleared up and made sense again, so it didn't bother me too much.

There were just so many beautiful moments in this film because in the end it was a story about eight people on a mission to save humanity while they figure out what humanity means for each of them.

And it was good.

A couple of nonsequeetoorses

It feels good to be writing again after such a long hiatus.

I've got a pretty good routine going. I get up, I read for an hour, I eat some pita bread and hummus, then I write as many pages as I can until I run out of steam or I hit a roadblock.

Then I eat lunch and ride my bike or go to the gym, then do my errand running / TV watching. Then I make myself a fine meal.

I was going to try to force myself to write eight or so pages a day because I feel like I'm behind, but then I remembered what happened when I did that in the past. I used to be so eager to finish the script soon so I could start a new one that I'd write a ton of pages each day. But each script I did that on has since been scrapped.

Then I wrote Not Dead Yet at my own pace, at least a few pages each day but not forcing anything. And that script turned out pretty damn good even though Greg Beal hated it. When I get hired to do a job I'll worry about speeding up my process, but for now I want to take my time and make the script work.

I thought I knew every plot point, and I kind of do, but I hadn't really thought about transitions. Of course now that I'm thinking about the scene I'm currently stopped at I just realized how to solve my problem while I was typing this entry. Woohoo! Thanks, blog.

That works for me a surprising amount of time. When I go to write out what I'm having a problem with, I often find I write myself out of the problem.

On a completely unrelated note, since I'm watching the Republican convention, I just want to say one thing about this Sarah Palin business:

I have a vagina. She does not represent my interests. I really wish the Republicans would stop talking about women as if we're all just like Sarah Palin and will therefore vote for her regardless of what we believe in. Also, I don't live in the midwest and I'm not a redneck, but I am a real American. I was born here and everything. So, Republicans, if you could just respect me that would be great.

Except I'm not voting Republican anyway so I guess you have no motive to care. So nevermind.

I'm back in business

YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEESSSSSSSSSSSSS!

I have my computer back! I will never under appreciate my laptop ever again.

That means tonight I can start back in on my script and now that I'm out of work I'll go at it like gangbusters. I'm hoping to get the first draft done within the next couple of weeks and then start on my pilot.

I think I can write this thing fast because although I haven't written any pages in a while I have never stopped thinking about it. I know every second of the plot so I should just breeze all the way through the next set of scenes.

Then I'll have two good completed feature screenplays and I'll have time to go back to TV so I can have a complete portfolio ready. I want to start soon on a pilot for a sort of space bounty hunter thing I've been toying with for years. Then no matter what opportunity comes up, I'll be ready for it.

It all begins with this beautiful blue laptop. I love you, laptop. Please don't ever leave me again.

Get busy learning or get busy being bored

I'm back. I went to Big Bear for the weekend. It was weird seeing stars and sleeping without the sound of traffic rushing by. But now I'm back to the constant hum of car horns and helicopters. Home.

After about three different nightmare discussions with various Indian Dell employees who all told me there was no way they could ship me a $12 part unless I gave them a skin graft and my social security number and the proposed name of my first child, I finally got one guy who was like, "Oh yeah no problem."

Dell, you are a stupid, stupid company.

Anyway so now I'm finally getting my cable, which is great because I've been using my old Acer laptop and every day something new stops working. Today my back buttons have stopped functioning in Firefox and there are no bookmarks.

As a result I haven't been able to write at all for the past few days. That hasn't been a major issue since I've been in the wilderness for four days, but now that I'm home and don't have to work for eight weeks I'd really like to finish my script. I keep staring at my Dell longingly as it rests in the corner all alone, dreaming of the AC current it needs to survive.

In order to not waste my time I've been studying. I'm reading Eric Lichtenfeld's Action Speaks Louder, a book about the origin and development of the modern action film. As I've been reading I've realized how many of these films I never saw, so I'm going through them one by one as I read. I'm learning all kinds of things about symbolism and technique that I would have learned in a film school class. It basically means I'm taking my own class on action for way cheaper than tuition and without having to drive anywhere.

It is my goal to see if I can go a whole week without driving anywhere and to use my bike to get around the city. Fortunately the Beefcake lives about two minutes from me, because if he was in the valley I think we'd have to break up.

Anyway, I'm going to begin my education with Dirty Harry in a moment. Yes, I've never seen Dirty Harry. Beefcake likes to make fun of the fact that if the film was made before 1980 I probably haven't seen it, so I'm attempting to remedy that situation one old movie at a time.

I've seen Taxi Driver and The French Connection and I've already made a big deal about how much I love Three Days of the Condor, but what else should I see? I can't possibly go through all the films listed in the book in the next few weeks but I can see a few. What would you pick for a favorite old action flick?

The last day

It's the last day of school before my eight week vacation. I'm done grading papers and all I have left to do is clean the room. Fortunately I have a student worker who has to do whatever I tell him to so I'm going to make him move things around and carry heavy stuff.

For my Contemporary Composition class their final project was to write a short story about anything they want. We've spent all semester talking about story structure and character development so for many of them this was an easy project.

When I told them to torture their characters they were really listening. We've got rape and violence and really sad families all over these stories. I'm hoping to God they aren't based on truth.

One problem I keep encountering is the tendency to write as much as six pages of story in ONE paragraph. And since there are a few language issues and some grammar problems, a few of these one paragraph wonders are a giant headache to read. But plotwise, the kids did a really great job. Two of them could even go on to write for real I think.

Except this one girl whose entire paper was the plot to Cellular. Who on earth would pick that movie to plagiarize? I guess she thought it was so terrible I wouldn't have seen it. Oh, no, young bucky. I've seen lots of bad movies.

I liked Phone Booth, for the record. But not Cellular.

Anyway, Dell still won't give me my power cord so 1) Although I love the computer I will NEVER buy one from Dell ever again and 2) I can't work on my screenplay until I get the problem fixed and since I'm going on vacation it's going to make me very, very angry very soon.

I'll be gone on a trip this weekend. I hope for all our sakes the power cord is waiting for me when I get back.

Vacation is coming

Day 6 without my laptop. I feel dehydrated. I don't know if I'm going to survive, but I just keep thinking about all that sweet, sweet electricity I'll be able to use if only I can wait one more day. But then one more day turns into yet another day and there is still no sign of the Mail Man. How much longer do I have to wait? I never knew when I started this journey just how difficult it would be. I hope I can hold out to the end.

In the meantime, today's a pretty sweet day at work. You know how people who work in big offices get retreats and stuff? Yeah we get a three hour retreat today. It's health day! There are all these classes to choose from - yoga, ballroom dancing, nutrition, weight lifting, child care, etc. I'm doing the nutrition class and the massage/manicure class. It's called "Self Care" and just about the entire faculty signed up for it so we'll all be in there together getting our nails done and our backs rubbed. I'm going to call all the dudes in there gay.

I have three more days before vacation. Yay! I'm completely exhausted so vacation is like a lifeline for my spirit.

One of the things I'm going to do this vacation is plan for the Maltese Falcon thing. We've been ordered to teach The Maltese Falcon to our 11th graders. Now, I probably would have chosen to join this program anyway, but I take major issue with the fact that we've been FORCED to teach it. One of my biggest problem with LAUSD is how little autonomy we're given in the classroom. They tell us what to teach and how. Almost every lesson is pre-written, which is terrific for new teachers with no imagination, not so great for anyone who has ideas of their own.

So being required to teach The Maltese Falcon is seriously pissing some people off. I agree with them, but I'm still kind of excited about teaching it. I would have volunteered to teach this anyway because it comes with field trips and stuff. We're going to take a tour bus around LA and visit sites from the novel, and we're going to a screening of the film at one of the major theaters. You can sure as hell count me in on that shit. Plus an opportunity to explain film noir? Hell yeah.

But first I have to read the book, so that's item #1 for vacation. I hope it's good because I already got the kids all jazzed about it.

My semi annual rant about Stargate Atlantis

Dammit, Stargate Atlantis!

Okay I'll have to be quick because the laptop's going to burn out shortly.

SPOILERS FOR THIS WEEK'S EPISODE


Stargate Atlantis always has fantastic ideas and lackluster follow through.

For example, this week's episode.

What is the one thing Rodney McKay is most afraid of? Being stupid. So this week they took his brain away. Know how I know he got stupid? Because he made video tapes where he sat in a room getting stupider. He talked about being stupid.

RULE NUMBER ONE - SHOW, DON'T TELL.

There's a scene where Rodney talks to John about how Zelenka needed his help figuring something out but Rodney didn't know how to do it and he felt so stupid. Yeah, you know what would have cost exactly the same amount of money to film? Rodney actually failing to fix the device and feeling useless and stupid and frustrated as a result. We could have seen how upset he got when he tried and tried and failed. And our hearts would break.

Instead he just acts more mentally retarded every moment without any outside force. He's not trying to DO anything, he's just getting generally slower.

And in the end he helped solve the problem by temporarily getting his brain back. It was a wasted opportunity. Zelenka is always a reluctant second fiddle to Rodney and they both know it. What if Zelenka decided he was going to figure out how to save him but then he couldn't? I can just see the scene where Zelenka breaks down, apologizing to Rodney over and over for the fact that he's not smart enough to save him.

But nope. They took the less interesting route of throwing the main cast members in a cave with some Ancient technology, the way they always do.

Come on. It was a terrific idea. In fact, that's what keeps me watching the show - all those terrific ideas. But it just seems like week after week what started as the perfect scenario becomes a series of expository scenes that stay on the easy side of story.

I mean, for crying out loud, Rodney used to be in love with Sam, and then she became his boss. And now she's gone and they never even had an episode where it was an issue. And last week when a crazy deadly virus spread throughout the city, new mom Teyla never stopped to worry that her baby would get the virus. That could have been an interesting scene. Just think how crazy a new mother can be in the face of a danger to her baby.

Missed opportunity after missed opportunity.

Dammit.

I'll be seeing you

The power cable on my laptop died and Dell support is for shit so I am unable to access my computer for a few days. I can use my computer at work but about half the Internet is blocked by Websense and I have an old laptop at home, but the fan is burned out so it dies after 15 minutes of usage. Sometimes I can make it stay alive longer if I pick it up and blow air on it.

Suffice it to say I will be doing no serious writing or blogging for the next five days or so, which is how long it will take a new power cable to get here since I had to pay for it myself even though my computer is still under warranty. Because Dell customer service is for shit.

And I know you will all be sad to learn that I cannot access my vast collection of cat pictures either. It's a sad day for me.

I have five more work days until vacation, and then I will be writing like gangbusters. And sleeping.

Yay, vacation.

I am a something or other

Unk has ordered us all to be completely honest with ourselves and tell the world what we are. "I am a whatever" he calls it. Well, I'm not one to back down from a challenge so here it is.

I AM OBSESSED WITH PERFECTION.

My biological father is something of a sociopath. The only reason he's not a mass murderer is because he doesn't see the point. So he really has no use for his kids. I spent so much of my childhood trying to figure out how to be prettier, smarter, funnier, more interesting so I could make him love me. Know what? He won't ever love me, no matter how perfect I am.

My Mom and Stepdad fought a lot when I was a kid, mostly over something I'd done wrong, so I tried to make better grades and I didn't cuss (I KNOW) or drink or do drugs or go to parties or have sex with boys so I'd be perfect and they'd stop fighting. But you know what? They weren't fighting over me. They were fighting over me to avoid admitting that they weren't happy with each other. As soon as I left for college they started admitting the real problem, and then they resolved it and now there's love in that house.

So maybe I used to be obsessed with perfection but I'm not anymore. So that's not what I am.

Okay, let's try this again.

I AM A COLD FISH.

My family on both sides is mostly British and British people don't really expose their vulnerabilities. We didn't hug much growing up; in fact, yesterday Best Friend said I'm the only friend she doesn't hug. When new people reach for a big bear hug I drop like a limp rag because I don't like being touched unless I'm comfortable. Some people can hug me. Most of the time when somebody hugs me I tolerate it until they let go.

I don't like to show my emotions either. Stiff upper lip and all that. The other day the Beefcake said something incredibly sweet to me at dinner and I covered my face and made fun of him because everybody was watching and you can't show that something sappy moves you while everybody's watching. So I hide my emotions.

Stepdad used to yell a lot but I wasn't allowed to cry and I wasn't allowed to be angry so I practiced looking numb. In my head I was stabbing him with the butcher knife, but my face was a vacant stare. I can pretend to feel nothing.

But you know, I love my kids at school. And I if you catch me alone I'm brutally honest about most things. And just because I don't show my emotions much, doesn't mean I don't have them. Once I feel safe around you we can hug and talk and I'll tell you what I feel all the time. So I'm not really a cold fish after all, I don't think.

Let me try that again.

I AM A PHONY.

I got that from my dad. I can walk into any room, look around and fit right in. What's worse is that I can convince myself that I LOVE football or that I don't mind standing around in a smoke-infested bar listening to The Promise Ring. I can become what I need to be.

Except not really. I mean, I was like that when I was younger but now I'm pretty honest about my likes and dislikes. I still fit in places, but I don't really fake it as much as I used to. And if I don't want to go somewhere I just don't go.

So maybe I'm not really a phony at all.

Maybe the problem here is that I keep trying to think of negatives. I've got negatives. I can be phony and I can be a cold fish and I can be obsessed with perfection, but I am none of those things to the extent that it handicaps me because I'm also an OPTIMIST. I see the silver lining in every cloud. But I don't want to put down that I'm an optimist because the purpose of this exercise seems to be to drum up your most negative personality trait and explain it.

But I like me. I had a whole self loathing period two years ago and boy did I wallow, but then I got over it and decided that I'm pretty cool. So stuff doesn't really bother me as much as it used to. I'm not perfect, despite my life long goal to become so, but I'm OKAY. I like waking up as me every day. I guess I always see how things could be worse, and I'm pretty INTUITIVE so I think about how other people feel before I do something assholey. Oh, I can definitely be an ASSHOLE, no doubt, and I'm DEFIANT to a fault which tends to piss off bosses and boyfriends on a regular basis because I refuse to do what I'm told or let someone help me.

But that's all part of me and I don't want to change me. If I wasn't me I'd totally hang out with me.

So I guess, in the end...

I AM A WELL ADJUSTED PERSON.

Kill. Kill. Kill.

At the school cooking class last week they made these awesome nectarines filled with amaretti and baked. I thought I could reverse engineer the recipe and make my own because I'm a pretty good cook.

I think I'm gonna be sick now. Note to self - next time ask the damn cooking teacher for the recipe.

While I was making and then eating my unfortunate stuffed nectarines, I watched this week's Eureka. Whoa.

SPOILERS AHOY

The love triangle has been getting old. This season began with a glimpse of a possible future with Jack and Allison in love and building a family. But that future is not to be, because she's back with her ex Nathan. And in every episode it was becoming kind of a stagnant situation. The only way to push the story forward is for something in that dynamic to change - a new love for Nathan, a new love for Jack, or somebody has to leave. It ain't gonna be Jack.

I can see why they let Nathan go, but I did not see that coming at all. But one of the big challenges is how to let someone like that leave the show. They hinted last year that he might leave and go to another city, but that didn't happen and I'm glad that didn't happen. Because when you're working on a sci fi show where people are constantly getting fried or eaten or obliterated by their own creations, eventually one of the main characters has to get it. You shouldn't waste a good opportunity to kill somebody.

And hell, on a sci fi show you can always make up and excuse to bring them back.

What was great about this particular death is that it genuinely moved me. Nathan pulled a Spock maneuver and was every bit as logical about it. And he went out with a smile. I also liked that these two guys didn't need to say anything - they both understood the score.

When Jack tells Allison what happened, he also needs to say nothing. There's lots of unspoken stuff going on here. I mean, really, considering they were using the oldest sci fi trick in the book - the time loop - they really made it work.

END SPOILERS

Compare that with Smallville. One thing that always bugged me about the first three seasons of Smallville was that nobody important ever died. They kept almost killing Chloe, but after a while that threat was kind of useless because you knew they wouldn't actually kill off one of their leads.

But then they got rid of Pete. Remember how they got rid of Pete? He mumbled something about his mom and moved to another state.

On a sci-fi show. About Superman. He moved away.

Now I know they're pros and they make a crapload more money than me and I would kill to have their jobs, but I can't help but feel like they wasted a perfectly good opportunity to kill off a major character, which would have showed us what they were willing to do and given Clark a new outlook on mortality and his place in the world.

Joss Whedon killed off one of the leads in the middle of the first season of Angel. After that, all bets were off. You knew anybody was game, and it made the suspenseful moments much more powerful.

You really can't be afraid to kill people if you want to make us feel something. Thanks, Eureka, for continuing to be awesome.

How I spent this weekend this time

I have two weeks until my eight week vacation. I'm going to Big Bear, Vegas, Raleigh and Puerto Rico and I'm going to finish my current script at some point. Plus I'd also like to sleep. I haven't really been sleeping enough and I'm exhausted.

Saturday night I went Marakesh, a Moroccan restaurant in Sherman Oaks where a belly dancer made all the girls from our table get up and dance. She also made the lady from Millionaire Matchmaker dance, so I guess that place is trendy. Millionaire Matchmaker lady was with a young dude who kind of looked like my biological father in his younger days. They were all smoochy. He danced too and I have to admit he could shake it pretty hard, although not as hard as the dude at our table who danced as well. That guy was doing Matrix moves and shit.

Somebody took pictures but I don't have them. I hope they got a good shot of me doing the running man.

I also saw Tropic Thunder. Just as most people have said, it was definitely funny - and I even sat up front because we got there a little late. As has been said, Robert Downey Jr is amazing and I love the mega-blue eyes they gave him. And I don't care about how PC it is, that speech he gives about how and actor should "never go full-on retard" made me laugh and laugh, and still makes me chuckle.

My only complaint about that film is that it kind of switches back and forth a bit between parody film and serious action comedy. Some things seem grounded in reality, and then suddenly something will happen that's so ridiculous it could have been a Leslie Nielson film. But all in all I laughed. I'd also like to give a shout out to Matthew McConaughay who played his part 100% straight. Bravo.

I'm pretty proud of myself because I usually suck at the box office prediction thing, but a month ago I called it that Tropic Thunder would be the first movie to beat The Dark Knight at the box office - not because it's better, but because it's good enough and appeals to a lot of the same crowd and The Dark Knight has been out long enough.

I also predicted TDK would make more money than Titanic. I may have been wrong about that one, but not by much. Everybody thought I was a crazy person.

An accidental moment

I accidentally stumbled on a brilliant teaching moment today.

I've been teaching my 11th graders the basics of story. Tomorrow they're interviewing a guest speaker so they can learn how to write a biographical article, so I was going over what kind of questions to ask an interviewee.

One of the things kids tend to do is ask really simple questions - Where were you born, how old are you, etc - or really general questions - what's your life like?

So I was trying to show them that you needed to ask the right questions. I asked one of my more obnoxious children, "What's your personality like?"

And he faltered and said, "I'm always happy."

So I said, "Is there a moment in your life that illustrates how you're always happy? A story you could tell that would show us that element of your personality?"

See, I was thinking I'd show how when you ask general questions the interviewee doesn't really know how to answer them.

But the boy threw me a curve ball.

"When my brother died," he said. "I wasn't sad. I didn't cry. I was happy."

We looked at him, silent. His eyes were getting a little red and wet.

"I was happy because he's in a better place."

We stared at him for a minute.

"Wow," I said. "Thank you for sharing that."

Then I turned to the class.

"Do you see the difference? How when he just says he's happy it's not nearly as effective as what he demonstrated when he told us about his brother?"

I got a chorus of emphatic "yesses" including his from all over the room. And for the first time when I had the kids write down the eight questions they plan to ask my guest speaker tomorrow, I had a really good set of lists.

The scariest movie I've ever seen

Yesterday morning I watched Jesus Camp. That may be the scariest film I've ever seen. Fuck a horror movie, this thing didn't need any gore to make me have nightmares.
Jesus Camp, if you haven't already heard about it, is a documentary about the Kids on Fire evangelical camp where a militant Jesus lady trains American kids to be tiny religious warriors.

The Muslims do it, she says, so why shouldn't we?

Up to now the scariest movie I ever saw was Kids. This one has now tied for the lead.

I have nothing against the Christian religion at all. I think all religions have merit, and at its core the benevolence Jesus preached is something we should all emulate. But that ain't what these nutjobs are doing.

There's no voice over or anything. The footage speaks for itself, and I wouldn't be surprised if evangelicals thought it proved their point that they have to fight for their existence just as much as I thought it proved they are the scariest people in the country. That's good documentary, right there. No explanations necessary - just footage of little kids screaming anti-abortion slogans as they fall into a trance over what they think is Jesus love.

Yeah I remember when that happened before. Arthur Miller wrote about it in The Crucible.

So if you're looking for a good horror movie with no gore, Jesus Camp is it.

Tales of the Olympics

The other night in the Olympics the men's swim team won a relay over France by like a split second. I had to go to bed so I missed it, but I already knew what happened because every freaking body was talking about it, including Yahoo who had it on their front page so when I went to check my email - there it was.

Okay look, East Coast. We in California, Oregon and Washington have to wait for that shit. And that incredible moment of suspense was robbed of us by your ignorance of our time zone's difficulties. So stop spoiling shit, okay?

Because Olympics is just one cool story after the other. Like that little kid at the opening ceremonies who rescued other kids from the earthquake because he was the hall monitor and "that was his job."

Or the guy from Togo who beat all odds and expectations to win the bronze medal in white water rafting, or the chick with an amputated foot who still managed to make it to the games.

My favorite story ever you may remember. In Sydney there was a guy from Equatorial New Guinea who was not only not an Olympic level swimmer, but he could barely swim at all. He was swimming in his qualifying heat one early morning with a smattering of people in the crowd and the other two unimpressive swimmers jumped the gun so they were disqualified, which meant he had to swim alone.

So the guy started down the lane okay but gradually started to get slower and slower. And as he came to the middle of the lane it was obvious he was hurting. The people in the audience started to cheer him on. He kept swimming against his body's will. The people began to stand, chanting and yelling. He made it to the end of the lane.

He slowly turned his body and started the long swim back. By now the audience was entirely on its feet hollering, excited. He stalled in the middle of the lane and it looked like he wouldn't make it, then he mustered up the energy and pushed his body for one last half a lap. And he made it. And the crowd went wild. It was one of the best things I've ever seen in sports.

Personally I only like watching the sports that come with stories. And I wouldn't be surprised if six months from now we start seeing a bunch of sports script pop up all over town. On the WEST coast.

Eddie Izzard at the Kodak

I saw Eddie Izzard at the Kodak Friday night. He was his usual hilarious self. He actually dressed like a man in jeans and a coat with tails and didn't wear any makeup.

There was this really distracting eyeball that moved around behind him and made it difficult for me to concentrate. That was not helped by the fact that the seats are only comfortable if you're a skinny midget with a large bladder. I honestly have no idea how people in the mezzanine sit through the entire Oscar broadcast without kicking the person in front of them in the head.

I ended up getting lucky that there was nobody sitting directly in front of me at the sold-out show - so somebody lost $60. But their absence allowed me to put my feet up for a few minutes when the discomfort got extreme. Officer Beefcake, who is considerably larger, was so uncomfortable I thought he was going to start kicking seats out of the way to stretch out his legs.

The show itself was a riot. What Izzard does so well is callbacks. He'll make a joke early on that he keeps finding ways to work in, whether it makes sense in context or not.

Come to think of it, only about 30% of his jokes actually make any sense, but that doesn't stop them all from being funny.

I also noticed he does callbacks to jokes from old shows so there are a few inside jokes for the die-hard fans, of which I am one. The man is so funny that he spent 15 minutes reading Wikipedia entries and still had the place in stitched. You know that old adage about making the phone book interesting? He could do it.

What I love the most is how it feels like a conversation. It seems like he barely plans anything - like he knows sort of a general idea of what he's going to say but had no idea how he's going to say it. That's exactly how I teach so I respect that. It's less "jokey" and more hilarious natural conversation.

So if you ever get a chance to see Eddie Izzard, go. And if it's at the Kodak, spring for the floor seats.

RIP Bernie

The following things happened in a 24 hour period:

1) The Olympic Opening Ceremonies
2) Russia invaded Georgia (which took a very long time to explain to a room full of teenagers who were alarmed at an American invasion, except for one young man who wasn't that concerned because "Isn't Atlanta really far away?")
3) John Edwards confessed to having an affair
4) A horrible teacher at our school finally lost his shit and punched a female student in the face four times
5) Bernie Mac died

I'll miss Bernie Mac.

Once a few years ago a fellow teacher and one of my favorite people on earth got me watching Bernie Mac. He - a black American - and I had been discussing race on television. He said he didn't have any interest in watching Buffy because there were no black people on the show and so he figured he couldn't relate. This was pre-season seven.

I told him that was funny because I felt the same way about "black" sitcoms. I never saw any white people in the ads except for silly rich people acting all anal and goofy. That didn't interest me at all.

So we made a deal. He'd watch Buffy if I'd watch Bernie Mac. And we did. And we both came back the next day realizing maybe we could relate to shows that didn't necessarily feature members of our own race prominently.

Because Bernie Mac was fucking funny. I'm not married and I don't have kids and I'm not black, but the stuff he did on his show was universal enough to crack me up on a regular basis. He could say a million things with his face, and they were all expressing some form of disappointment in your behavior. I'll miss him.

I won't miss the horrible teacher who will undoubtedly be fired.