Thursday, September 18, 2008

Failed again

Well I didn't win the John August thing. This week John August put up another scene challenge - this time it required the use of a fork, a photograph and a phobia. I haven't been able to set up scrippets yet so this will have to be ghetto style.

Loud music, children's laughter. Kids run like roaches all over the grass in some exhausted lady's backyard, surrounded by parents who have given up trying to corral them. A CLOWN bends some balloon animals for a small CHILD.

A 30-something man dressed in black and and out of breath, ROGER, appears at the entrance to the street. He pauses, looks around, then slips unnoticed into the party.

A woman in her twenties, SANDY, appears in the same street entrance, also out of breath. She scans the party. She see the Clown. She flattens herself against the wall and breathes deeply, eyes closed. The Child comes up to her, waving around his balloon donkey.


Nice... what the hell is that?

It's a donkey.

An ass? He made you an ass?

She looks up, steadily breathing, at the clown.

I fucking hate clowns.

She steels herself, then creeps into the party. She grabs a FORK from a table full of cake. She walks around the Clown, careful not to get too close. She scans the rest of the party, looking carefully through each adult she encounters. Then she sees Roger. They make eye contact.

Roger backs away slowly, looking around for a way to make a break for it. Sandy gets closer. Roger rushes over to the Clown and hides behind him.

Fucking clowns.

She takes several deep breaths as Roger looks to the street exit and back to Sandy, who is up on her toes, ready to give chase. She dares not go near the Clown. The Clown turns to Roger.

Would you like a donkey?


Fuck off, loser.

Well, I... I don't...

Shut up.

He pushes the clown at Sandy, who screams. The children scream. Roger runs to the street. Sandy stabs at the Clown with her fork. The Clown screams. Everybody screams. Sandy pushes the Clown and chases after Roger. Right as he's about to get to the exit she catches him and knocks him to the ground.

Where is it, Roger? Give it!

He tries to push her off. She clocks him in the head.



She digs in his pockets.

Help! Help!

The parents watch, drinking margaritas in plastic cups. Sandy pulls a POLAROID out of Roger's pocket. She looks at it. In the photo, Lindsey Lohan sunbathes naked in her backyard. Boobies are present.


If you come near Lindsey again I will fucking kill you, you giant piece of crap!

She leaps up and runs out of the party.
The Child comes up to Roger.

Did you see my balloon?


First of all, I wrote it in five minutes. I probably should have put more effort into that.

I chose one of the most common phobias in the contest - clowns. But look, other people who used clowns, Coulrophobia is my ACTUAL PHOBIA. I am actually terrified of clowns, unlike a lot of the people who wrote about them. I'm not talking "Clowns are creepy" or "I don't like clowns." I mean clowns make me hyperventilate and panic and possibly run like hell.

And while we're on the subject I would like to commend Beefcake, who asked me the last time we passed a clown up in front of the Kodak if I'd like him to "Beat the clown up." I did not take him up on it that time, but it's good to know he's prepared to commit clownicide if necessary.

Anyway, I also used another common occurrence in the contest - stabbing someone with the fork. But look, I had to incorporate violence somehow because that's what I do.

At least I had a female protagonist. Most people didn't even include girls.

And just now this minute I thought of an actual event from my life that did indeed involve all three of the elements in the contest. In retrospect, I should have just written up that scene. Maybe for shits and giggles I'll write that up tomorrow.



  1. Anonymous3:53 AM

    Well, I didn't have clowns in mine, or anyone stabbing anyone else. I didn't have psychiatrists or photographs of forks. I avoided all those commonalities to the others and happened to use the three objects gracefully and I got a big fat FAIL too.

    I liked the winner as it didn't bump me, but some of the others chosen were just weird. Anyway ...

  2. oh, hey John August posted a new Scrippet tool for Blogger, since Scrippt only works for Wordpress.


    just type in a scene and it'll give you the HTML code. and yeah I didnt write that challenge. I can't be bothered to write something that I don't feel like. so dont be too bummed out ;-)

  3. oh wow. I didnt know that people can actually have a real phobia of clowns. So does that mean you won't go to a show for the Cirque de Soleil? :-(

  4. I liked the winner, some of the honorable mentions I wasn't entirely sold on though.

    I managed to avoid all the cliches though -- no clowns, no one talking about their phobia, no one stabbing anyone else, no pictures of forks.

    I was one of the only ones to avoid using dialogue.

    Ahh well, it was a fun competition, and ultimately it comes down to one person's taste.

    I did like the winner though.

  5. Agreed. The winner deserved to win.

  6. I believe the line from 'Clerks' can be used in your situation:

    "There's a million fine looking men in the world, dude. But, they don't all beat up clowns for you at work. Most of 'em just cheat on you."

    Oh, and I'm taking that John August thing and I ran, I ran so far away, and I ran...

  7. I had a clown clock with big eyes when I was a kid, that damn thing used to watch every move I made.


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