A donkey, a mammoth and a Dane walk into a bar...

FADE IN:

INT. BAR - NIGHT

SNUFFLEUPAGUS, a brown mammoth, sits at the bar, sipping beer through his snout. EEYORE, the donkey with the pinned-on tail and lopsided bow in his mane, stumbles up to the bar stool. Snuffy pulls the stool out so Eeyore can climb up to sit down.

EEYORE
Hey, Snuff.

SNUFFY
Hey, Eeyore.

Eeyore eyes the bartender. He nods, then pours out a rum and Coke and slides it across the bar to the donkey.

EEYORE
So Big Bird's letting you out of the fence again, I guess.

SNUFFY
No. I drugged his birdseed.

EEYORE
Oh.

SNUFFY
Yeah. He was singing some stupid song about multiples of five, counted himself right off to sleep.

EEYORE
Think he'll be mad?

SNUFFY
I don't care. I can take Big Bird.

EEYORE
You always say that but you never do it.

SNUFFY
Yeah? Well I don't see you taking out Tigger any time soon, either.

EEYORE
I've got a plan.

SNUFFY
Sure you do.

HAMLET, Prince of Denmark, walks up and sits next to them, signalling the bartender for a glass of wine.

EEYORE
Hey, Hamlet.

HAMLET
Hey, Eeyore.

SNUFFY
Hey, Hamlet.

HAMLET
Hey, Snuffy. Bid Bird letting you out again?

SNUFFY
Drugged his food.

HAMLET
Smart. Poison is smart.

EEYORE
I could probably poison Pooh Bear, but I don't think I could get Tigger to eat anything I make.

HAMLET
No, you'd probably have to push Tigger off a cliff.

SNUFFY
I bet Rabbit would help you.

EEYORE
Yeah. Probably. There'd be a lot of fallout, though. Piglet would go off the deep end.

HAMLET
Piglet you could probably poison. Or stab.

EEYORE
Probably.

Eeyore takes a swig of his drink. Snuffy snorts up the rest of his beer. Hamlet sips on his wine.

HAMLET
I want to die.

SNUFFY
Don't we all?

EEYORE
Not me. I just want to kill.

HAMLET
I could go for some of that too.

Snuffy checks the clock above the bar.

SNUFFY
So Bid Bird's probably waking up soon. I'd better get back.

EEYORE
I thought you didn't care?

SNUFFY
I don't. But I don't want to blow my edge. Oscar and I are trying to work out our assasination plot. We need all the advantages we can get.

HAMLET
I'll do it.

SNUFFY
Kill Bid Bird?

HAMLET
Yeah. I'll kill Bid Bird if somebody takes out my uncle.

EEYORE
I'll do it if somebody offs that damn Tiger. Ta ta forever, you annoying piece of crap.

SNUFFY
Good. We have a plan. Meet back here tomorrow, hash out the details?

HAMLET
Sure. I'll be done with my duel by then. Gotta fight Ophelia's brother.

EEYORE
How come?

HAMLET
I killed his dad.

EEYORE
Oh. Bummer. Well good luck.

SNUFFY
Watch out for poison.

HAMLET
Good advice. See ya.

Snuffy rolls off his stool and walks out of the bar. Hamlet looks around at the other patrons laughing, playing pool, flirting.

HAMLET
God, I hate these people.

EEYORE
Yeah. They should just die.

They both sip silently on their drinks.

FADE OUT.