Thursday, December 15, 2011

Scriptshadow reviews my pages

Scriptshadow reviews my first ten pages today.

He's completely right. I've gotten a lot of read requests from querying this script, and they've all either been passes or I've been told "I love your style, but I don't think the script is there."

Carson points out a scene in the first few pages that doesn't need to be there, and he's right. The thing is, when I was writing that scene it seemed important somehow. I'd gotten so many notes on this project that I was trying to address all of them, and this particular scene fixed a problem somebody had, but now for the life of me I can't remember what it was. I don't remember why this was so damn important, because the scene now feels completely unecessary.

So that was a good review. Now, to read the comments, where no doubt my intelligence and general worth as a person will be called into question.


  1. Anonymous10:22 AM

    Did my suggestion (to make Mary Beth's flaw more personal for you) do anything for you?

    Will Alexander

  2. That's a great suggestion. Funny thing is, fat lady on the bus and the crappitypoop incident are actually my personal experiences. But not the rest. I can definitely toy around with personal connections to the other scenes.

  3. I've just read through the review and comments - they aren't too awful, to be honest. (The comments today on a Guardian review of an album I love made me want to go on a spree)

    I read the first 10, and I really loved them - I said so on twitter, by the way, I'm @SiFoulaReel - and interestingly I didn't have any of the read or reference problems several readers on SS did. I picked up Child Called It immediately, and I'm a little stunned that several people are struggling with the bamboo under the nails. Hell, there was a joke in a children's pantomime I recorded here last week about that!

    I kind of get where they're coming from with the repetition on Mary-Beth, but honestly if the scenes were played in the right, kind of overwhelming, quick, one after the other way, I could see it working.

    Love the dialogue, love the descriptions - also I like how a few people on SS took offence to them as well!

    My favourite comment was the long one that included this: "With today's particular premise for a story, to me it feels outside of the elements of real life. Something that we might watch for a bit of entertainment, but may or may not communicate that will really resonate with us."

    Um yeah, that's kind of the thing I want to write - though I resent the idea that something purely for entertainment *cannot* also resonate with people. That comes down to every individuals subjective response to a film anyway, so arguing that pure "entertainment" is somehow less important a type of filmmaking than something meant to "resonate" just irks me.

    Anyway, keep going - I'm not going to be calling your worth as a person into question, that's for damn sure!

  4. Thanks, Simon! Yeah I'm completely shocked at how positive most of these comments are. Even the people who didn't like the script have been completely respectful in their notes. Sometimes the Internet surprises you.

    I've gotten some excellent suggestions in that thread.

  5. Hey, great job today Emily. It's not easy putting yourself out there. Despite some of the more mean-spirited comments, there's a lot of great advice in there. My experience from people who have been reviewed on the site and taken the criticism constructively, is that they've become much better writers as a result. So thanks again for submitting "Nice Girls" and kick ass on the next draft. :)

  6. Anonymous12:16 AM


    FWIW, the first 5 pages of your script really turned me on--Lana is such a badass femme fatale and kudos with an opening that overturn audience expectations.

    Then BAM!, color me disappointed as I read the rest and discovered that Lana was the sideshow and that Beth is the main character.

    You know, maybe you should have Lana star in her own movie...something like Nikita meets Point Blank.

  7. Anonymous6:46 AM

    Hey Carson,

    We are huge fans of your script reviews. Thank you!!! But -

    -we got a few question that's driving us crazy about this sad state of affairs with the screenwriting business and forums and blogs?

    -Why are all script magazines slowly closing down?

    -Why is Coppola or Speilberg making crap movies lately?

    -Why is it that the Black List 2011 is attracted to silly quirky indie styled scripts? How come they are not embrace high concept big budget scripts? Why are they so one sided? Do you think the lead at Black List is networking with only his kind of producers? Do you think he socializing with his kind of producers? Does he attend the same bar where these "kind" producer hang out?

    -Do you think the Black List will one day disappear?

    -Which Christmas movie are you planning to watch this Christmas?

    -Will David Fincher's Dragon Tatoo open to 50 million on its first week?

    -What script are you currently writing?

    -Are you a screenplay teacher or a hard-core screenwriter at heart?

    -Do you think Syria and Iran and Israel will undergo a brutal revolution on the week of Christmas?

    -Is it a George Clooney year? Will Clooney sweep the award shows? Have you seen his new movies yet?

    -Why do most screenwriters refuse to deal with reality after 15 of low fan-base or development deals? Is it a good idea to be stubborn with your work in the screenwriting world and ignore the bank balance reality?

    -80 years down the road, will we have less or more Bamboo, Moviebytes, John August, Done Deal, Just Effing, Into The Story, StorySense, Coverage Ink, Ink Tip?

    -When you look into the future 100 years from now, what will be the state of the screenwriting business?

    Thanks Carson and to Emily for a great read!!!

  8. Anonymous, the answer is 14, yes, and only if the Dodgers win.

    Carson, that was great. And I've had much worse things said about my work by people I actually know. Besides, most of the comments were really positive and helpful. I was actually thinking of abandoning this script, but now I think I'll pull it back out again and see if it can get a new life.

  9. Oh and thanks, other Anonymous. I do love Besson's Nikita.

    If you guys leave names I can stop calling you all Anonymous.


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