Friday, June 13, 2008

Inane Questions from Unk's blog

The Unknown Screenwriter has been inundated with questions he just can't answer so I thought I'd lend a hand. These are absolutely 100% serious answers and if you don't follow my advice you'll die alone and unsuccessful in a dumpster behind Roscoe's Chicken and Waffles.

1) Should I type FADE IN: at the beginning of my screenplay?

Never. Every screenplay should open with an explanation of your journey through this story and why it's the best thing since string cheese.

2) Should I number my scenes?

Yes, but show some creativity. Do them in square roots or something. 1, 2, 3, 4 is really cliche.

2.75) Generally speaking, about how many parentheticals should I have in my screenplay?

Every line of dialogue should contain a parenthetical. Otherwise, how will the actors know what facial expressions to make?

4) Can I just type FIN at the end of my screenplay?

Is that your name? That's a stupid name. Smack your parents.

5) Do you use Celtx?

I'm rooting for the Lakers.

6) If I use Celtx to write my screenplay will I have a better chance of selling it?

I don't know, but I hear Paramount only accepts scripts written with Photoshop.

7) Should I sign my screenplay?

Not if your name is Fin.

8) Should I include my email address on my screenplay?

Email is too advanced for Hollywood. Try telegram.

9) Why do I have to put my character’s name in caps througout my screenplay?


10) What do I do with my screenplay when I’m finished with it?

Line your parakeet's cage with it. Or use it to wrap fish in. Or use it as toilet paper. Look, I can't solve all your recycling problems for you, you'll just have to figure it out on your own.

11) Can you take a look at page 69 of my screenplay and tell me if it’s correct?

I only read porn scripts if they feature a love scene during double anal.

12) Should I send my screenplay to you in a box or an envelope?

I only accept scripts from the hands of hot young shirtless male J Crew models.

13) If I pay you $5000, will you help me sell my screenplay?

Sure. I'll call all the PAs in town and tell them to ask around.

14) If I pay you $10,000 will you help me sell my screenplay?

Sure. I'll stalk Colin Farell until he agrees to sex me, I mean read it.

15) Will you marry me?

Are you Colin Farell, Jensen Ackles or Michael Trucco? That's your answer.

16) What font should I use to write my screenplay?

Zapf Dingbats.

17) Can I just write my screenplay in Word?

Yes, I suggest you always use words when writing screenplays.

18) How many pages should my screenplay be?

Exactly 378.5 with no exceptions. Ever.

19) How long should each act of my screenplay be?

Whatever a third of 378.5 is.

20) Is it okay if my hero and villain both have the same name?

I think it would be much cooler if you called them Good Guy and Bad Guy.

21) Is it okay if my Protagonist is Hillary Clinton?

Will she be wearing a cape? That's your answer.

22) Is it okay to thank my Mom in my screenplay?

Is your mom Hillary Clinton? That's your answer.

23) Is it okay to thank my husband in my screenplay?

If it comes during the double anal love scene.

24) Is it okay to thank YOU in my screenplay?

If it comes during the double anal love scene.

25) Do you accept credit cards?

Absolutely. I have even a Pay Pal button!

26) Do you live alone?

Okay, stalker. I have a viscious man-eating cat living with me and he's very jealous. And furry.

27) What’s your favorite color?

Blue. For reals.

28) What’s your favorite food?

Tortas from that Mexican grocery near my school. When I finally leave that place I will drive down there once a week just to buy a $3.00 sandwich. Seriously.

29) What’s your favorite drink?

Today it's Orangina.

30) Do you smoke?

Only if I'm on fire.

31) Do you drink?

Only if I'm on fire.

32) What color are you eyes?

I believe the technical term is Fucking Blue as Crap.

33) When’s the last time you had sex?

Whenever your mom was over last.


  1. You bitch. I was so gonna do that. :) Only I never would have equalled your "double anal love scene" runner.

    Damn you -- now I need a new post.

  2. No, it's completely okay. It's become a meme now - I'm like the fourth person to do it.

    You should totally do it.

  3. Baaaaaaaahahahahahha.


    I may have a go.

  4. Anonymous2:34 PM

    So that was *all* a joke.
    And here I was thinking I had a great script going.

  5. Anonymous7:36 PM

    Gosh, that thing about my mom really hurt...I'm mean fucking a corpse is just wrong on so many levels. Other than that, those answers belong in a screenplay writing book. In fact, I think many of them are, otherwise why are there so many crappy movies being made these days?

  6. Double-anal ... hahaha
    That was too funny. Mine isn't nearly as good.

  7. Anonymous12:04 AM

    very funny emily LMOA,the stalker/cat line was my fav... now I'm going to have to redo mine to get the gag count up (blows raspberry and pull miffed facial expression! LOL)
    And if anyone else does do a mini-unk question answer on there blog, you can add a link out to from my e-zine ... where I published mine

  8. Anonymous7:58 AM

    Double anal love scene... That's worth stealin'.

    Stolen. LOL.

    Now see, a couple of years ago when I almost approached you at the Screenwriting Expo and introduced myself, had I known you know all about double anal, I would have.

    But you looked to stressed...

    Thanks for playin.


  9. I was stressed, but I was also having lots of fun. I'm happiest when I'm multitasking.

    You should totally say hi next time. Then I could brag to all my friends that I know who Unk is and they would be like "Who's Unk?" because they aren't writers.

  10. Anonymous5:39 PM

    You totally dodged the question about dramatic irony.


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