Tuesday, January 11, 2011

Bamboo Killers Cookie Contest

I decided to have a cookie contest. Twenty Somethings recently sent me some cookies when I won her contest after she won a contest and got some cookies, and I like this whole pay-the-cookie-forward thing.

Here's the deal. I'm going to write a raw, first-draft kind of scene and you are going to rewrite it your way. Those are the only rules.

Either post your version in the comments or email it to me. The person with the coolest scene gets it reposted on the blog and a pack of cookies from The Bitter Baking Company. They are excellent cookies.

You have until Thursday at 5pm.

Here is the original scene. Please forgive the format troubles. I've been having Scrippet troubles. If anyone knows how to solve this scrippet trouble, feel free to email me your solution. This is clearly an ongoing problem.

Anyway, the scene:

Julie and Stan exit the coffee shop, drinks in hand.

ARNOLD, big muscley guy, late teens, CRASHES into Julie.

Hot coffee splashes all over her clothes.

Yo what the fuck, man!

Oh you got something to say?

Stan hands Julie his coffee.

He takes a deep breath.

He punches Arnold in the face.


Arnold grabs Stan's collar and yanks him to the ground.

They roll around, exchanging blows.

Stop it!

They ignore her, landing blows left and right.

Julie shrugs.

She throws Stan's coffee on them both.

Both men stop.

What the hell was that for?

Stan, let's go.  NOW.

Stan stands up and follows her down the street.

Arnold grabs a napkin, wipes himself down.

Have fun!


  1. This is my attempt -

    Julie and Stan exit the coffee shop smiling, drinks in hand.

    ARNOLD, big muscley guy, late teens, CRASHES into Julie.

    Hot coffee splashes all over her clothes. She cries in pain.
    You fucking idiot!

    Arnold leans in close, towering over Stan.

    It was an accident fucktard! JULIE
    Stan, leave it! ... Let’s just go.

    Sorry, no way babe!

    He hands Julie his coffee as a crowd gathers.


    Stan takes a deep breath and punches Arnold hard in the abdomen.

    Arnold is unaffected. He laughs and knees Stan in the groin.
    You hit like a girl bitch!

    Stan groans and doubles over in agony.

    Julie frowns and deliberately puts the coffees down on the ground.

    No asshole ... this is how a girl hits!

    Stan laughs again.

    Julie launches into a roundhouse kick landing it perfectly on Stan’s chin.

    Stan is knocked out, crumpling to the ground.

    Julie calmly picks up the coffees, grabs Stan’s arm and helps him up.
    Now can we go Stan?

    Stan groans as they slowly walk off with Julie supporting him.

    The crowd spontaneously applauds.


  2. Hamboogul8:26 AM

    JULIE, a beauty from certain angles with the right lighting and maybe some flattering make-up, and STAN, the before picture of those diet pill commercials, walk out of a coffee shop. The coffee shop doesn't need a description because it's non-SAG.

    Stan looks ahead and sees...

    ARNOLD, a muscular Austrian whose robotic strides cause a rhythmic beat of doom, approaches us. Dun-Dun-DUN. Dun-Dun-DUN.

    Stan just shat himself in the pants. Luckily, Julie doesn't smell it yet.

    Arnold stands in front of Stan, nipple to face.

    (French burgeois accent)
    Move out of my way.

    (like Clint Howard in APOLLO 13)
    And if I don't?

    (Lara-esque from DR. ZHIVAGO)
    Just move, Stan.

    Oh my god. Julie wants this guy's rippling muscles all over her face as his chest glistens in dewy sweat. Then she'll probably lick his perspiration like--


    Arnold and Stan gaze into each other's dreamy pupils, locked in a staredown as if this was The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly. But since this writer wants to eat cookies, let's say The Good, the Bad, and the Weird.

    CLOSE-UP on their eyes.

    More CLOSE-UPS.

    Then CLOSE-UPS of random people.

    Then CLOSE-UP of Julie's face. She sniffs the air and recoils.

    What's that smell?

    What smell?

    Smells like shit!


    I don't smell it.

    Stan tightens his ass cheeks and resumes his staredown but--

    Arnold walks around Stan who blocked the entrance of the coffee shop. Arnold goes inside.

    THE END.

  3. STAN, 20s, stand-up comedian handsome, holds the coffee shop door open.

    JULIE, 20s, rumpled yet sophisticated, smiles thanks and steps out with their lattes.

    ARNOLD, 20s, if trolls had litters he'd be the runt, smirks at the meter maid's ass long enough to collide with Julie.

    Full frontal hot coffee.

    Shit! Dumb bitc-

    Arnold recognizes Julie.

    Jesus, Arnold.

    (to the meter maid's ass)
    Officer, officer I saw the whole thing.

    Arnold paws at Julie's soaked chest.

    Let me, um, get that for you.

    Julie recoils.

    Thanks. I got it.

    Stan slides between Julie and Arnold.

    She's got it. Run along, Arnie. Those dates aren't gonna rape themselves.

    Fuck you, Stan!
    (to Julie)
    When're you gonna dump this loser?

    (mumbling and wiping)
    I've been asking myself that...

    I bet you have.

    Arnold steps around Stan, jerks the door open, and takes a half step inside.

    Arnold examines the front of his shirt while the door settles on his butt.

    Stan casually kicks the door.

    Arnold sails into the coffee shop.


    Stan and Julie, arm and arm, stroll away to the SOUNDS of the dish break drama.

    (Emily - If I win, give the cookies to Beefcake. I plagiarized most of this from one of my scripts anyway :)

  4. EXT. COFFEE SHOP - day

    Arm in arm, Julie and Stan exit, exchanging snickers and glances. It's love.

    Just then, wheeling in like a comet crashing to Earth, ARNOLD... muscular, thick-necked, all man. He collides with Julie, sending her to the ground, her coffee airborne, Stan recoiling in shock.

    Good Christ!

    Julie's coffee descends finally and, predictably, uses her as its landing pad.

    (to Stan)
    Do something!

    Stan stares at his right hand and awkwardly curls it into a fist like it's the first fist he's ever curled. Eyes scrunched tight, he lets his right fly and delivers a pathetic punch to Arnold's cheek.

    That was cute Stan. Let me show you how it's done.

    With that, Arnold hauls back and absolutely levels Stan. He won't be getting up off the sidewalk for some time. Julie rises, dripping with coffee, tries to get to the fallen Stan.

    Arnold stops her, holding her tightly by the wrist.

    Wait Julie....

    Get off me you psychotic... you know me?

    I go by Arnold now. But in the PAST, I was known as...

    (total reconition)
    Stan? How the.... I mean...

    Please listen. You were going to dump me right after this date right?

    Well... I... how did you...

    It's all right. I don't blame you. That guy on the pavement deserved to be dumped. I'm a different man now. Believe me.

    How is any of this possible?

    A few months at the gym, a little space/time thingy... these things happen all the time. Will you give me a second chance?

    You went through all that for me?

    Arnold nods.

    Wanna' go get a coffee with me, we can talk about it?

    Smiling, they take each other's hand and enter the coffee shop.

    On the sidewalk, Stan begins to stir...

  5. Omg you made me snort water, Jeff, "a little space/time thingy," just brilliant, and funny. That gets my cookie vote. And, my, will you have a tough decision, Emily, those are fabulous entries. I'm with Big Z on the cookies, give 'em to Beefcake (we need him otherwise occupied so he won't entertain you with his delights and you'll entertain us with this blog instead).

  6. My five minute silly entry, not for cookies (it's a dog biscuit next to the lovely multicourse meals others have submitted), but to support your most wonderful blog, Emily. It features bamboo in your honor.

    Julie and Stan exit the coffee shop, drinks in hand. Julie carries hers very carefully.

    ARNOLD, big muscley guy, late teens, CRASHES into Julie.

    Hot coffee splashes all over her hot pink summer dress. She instantly changes into a panda. In a hot pink summer dress. With a huge coffee stain.

    Folks go running off screaming in all directions, led by Arnold screaming like a little girl.

    Only Stan remains, frozen in place, terror and confusion on his face.

    Then a little kid holding a grape slurpee comes up to feel the panda. Julie grabs the slurpee awkwardly, pours it over herself and she's back to regular Julie. In a hot pink summer dress with huge coffee and grape slurpee stains. What a day. She looks mortified.

    I meant to tell you.

    You're a panda?

    Only occasionally. [beat] My dad pissed off some warlock monk.

    Explains the bamboo. [beat] So any caffeinated beverage?

    Any hot liquid. I take a lot of cold showers.

    As they walk away,

    So you ever do it as a panda?

  7. Ha! Backatcha' Atlanta... there are certain absurdities which get me chuckling every time...

    And a girl who changes upon contact with hot liquids into a panda would fall into that category! Brings back memories of all those hours in college watching VHS copies of Ranma 1/2! ;D

  8. Totally on Ranma 1/2, Jeff! I loved that panda. Second I hit publish bunch of things occurred to me, including panda kick might have been nice to include. Some other favorite series (and please share any you have), the absurdist Ninja Nonsense, with my favorite ever musical closing number, Black Lagoon, wonderful take on pirate fun, Death Note, omg I love that shinigami, and his affinity for apples, and Mushishi is entirely compelling.

  9. EXT. coffee shop terrace - day

    FADE IN.

    JULIE (30, angular) and STAN (27, needs to shave) sip their mochas, looking everywhere but at each other.

    Julie gives a big slurp, squinting as her straw sucks up the last drops.

    They watch as ARNOLD (20ish, muscleman) carries a small coffee on a tray to a table near the wall. They watch him set the tray down. They watch as he adjusts his chair so his face and chest are in the sun, but his legs aren't. They watch as he sets down a magazine at right angles to the tray. They watch as he meticulously adds HALF a sugar packet to his coffee. They watch as he finally raises the cups to his lips, takes a sip, sets it down. Arnold puts on his shades, looks up at the sun, puts his hands behind his head and grins- life is good.

    Julie points.


    I didn't know they had trays.

    Quick as a mongoose, Stan turns and tosses the contents of his cup onto Julie's blouse with a sneer.



    Julie gasps, shoves herself away from the table and runs inside, fanning herself and crying.

    Arnold has turned at the sound. He gazes at Stan, puzzled.


    Where did you buy that shirt?

    Arnold thinks for a minute.


    The Gap.


    They make them for men, too?

    Arnold starts to stand up-

    cut to black

  10. INT. coffee shop - day

    JULIE (40ish, unplucked brows) and STAN (42, balding, Birkenstocks) sit and commiserate over bowls of lentil soup.


    I'm telling you, like a Tea Party member, this one was. The shoving, the pushing, calling me a bitch-

    He looks at Julie, eyes wide-


    I'm asking: do I look like a bitch?

    Julie shakes her head and pats his hand.


    No! You look like a kind and a warm and a sweet man who shouldn't be abused that way. What happened then?


    Well. I mean, you can't just take that kind of thing. This is the San Fernando Valley. Word gets around. People talk.


    They do.

    Stan nods.


    Darn right they do. So, real quick, I do two things: First, I break my coffee cup on the edge of the table- gotta get a nice sharp edge. Then, I yanked up his shirt, aaaaand-

    He pulls something small out of his shirt pocket and lays it on the table in front of them. He points at it as Julie tries to figure out what it is.


    -I sliced his nipple off.

    Julie puts her hand to her mouth and gasps. Stan grins and nods at her.


    Looks like a little slice of pepperoni, don't it?

    He peers down at it, then looks around and nudges Julie.


    Finish up. We should get outta here; he's probably gonna want that back.

    Stan digs in. Julie is still frozen with shock.

    Stan stops, looks at the nipple, then shakes his head and chuckles to himself.



    He chuckles a little and goes back to his soup.

  11. Atlanta, I had no idea about "Ninja Nonsense," what a gas! Kept me up way too last night... thanks for the tip!


    A cold wind sends autumn leaves skittering across the pavement.

    STAN (20, All-American) exits, holding a steaming to-go cup. He holds the door for JULIE (20, bookish, adorable) who juggles her own cup and a backpack.

    Thanks again for the coffee. I can’t believe I forgot my wallet.

    I’ve always been a sucker for a damsel in distress.

    She blushes. Doesn’t see the man racing toward her.

    ARNOLD (20’s, bulky jock) slams into her. She falls to the ground. Hot coffee scalding her neck and chest.

    Stan snags Arnold’s arm. Spins him around.

    What the fuck, man?

    Arnold looks behind him. Panicked. He’s running from someone. Or something.

    He shoves Stan. Wrenches free.

    Julie picks herself up. Dusts herself off with scraped palms, leaving small spots of blood on her tee shirt.

    She gingerly touches the burns on her neck.

    Apologize to the lady.

    Arnold stares at her. Fear in his eyes.

    You’ve been marked.

    He unconsciously scratches his neck. He’s got the same angry red mark as Julie.

    His eyes flick behind her. Terrified. He runs.

    Stan turns to Julie.

    What the hell was that?

    Julie’s lip trembles.

    Let’s go. Now.

  13. This is the ONLY contest I've ever entered...


    Stan holds the door open -- Julie pushes through as
    Arnold, a twenty-something Fabio on steroids slams
    into her -- hot coffee everywhere.

    (to Arnold)
    Really Dude?

    Stan wipes Julie down with napkins.

    You okay, Babe?

    Arnold pulls a handkerchief -- dabs it across Julie's
    cheeks -- Stan observes.

    Coffee becomes you.


    It brings out your natural color.



    Stan throws his coffee on them both -- marches off.

    Get a fuckin' room.



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