The power of a quick conversation

Our school does something kind of retarded. We give final exams on Monday and Tuesday, but we still have school Wednesday through Friday. As you can imagine, we have a lot of absences those three days and there's not a whole lot you can do with kids whose grades are done, so the kids like to refer to those three days as "Movie Days." That's all anyone can do with them. For almost eight hours they watch movies.

Some teachers will put in whatever they have available to keep the kids entertained but this annoys me because there's no reason you can't show a film relevant to the material that you can still use to teach. Every film I show in class I use to teach, even on Movie Days.

So today I'm showing O Brother! Where Art Thou? (because it's a modern retelling of The Odyssey) to my sophomores and The Joy Luck Club to my juniors. And as I'm sitting and listening to O Brother, I noticed why this film is so much genius.

After Everett (George Clooney), Pete (John Torturo), and Delmar (Tim Blake Nelson) break out of prison they try to jump onto a train. And after they are unsuccessful they discuss their situation. Everett clearly takes the lead.

Pete: Wait a minute. Who elected you leader of this outfit?

Everett: Well Pete, I figured it should be the one with the capacity for abstract thought. But if that ain't the consensus view, then hell, let's put it to a vote.

Pete: Suits me. I'm voting for yours truly.

Everett: Well I'm voting for yours truly too.

They both look at Delmar. He looks at them.

Delmar: Okay... I'm with you fellas.


So look at what we've learned about these boys within the first five minutes of the film. We've established that these boys are chained together and escaping from prison. We know that Everett fancies himself the leader and an intelligent man. We've learned this is a comedy. We know that Pete resents Everett's leadership. And we've learned that Delmar is kind of slow.

Right there in that one moment, we know where we're headed. We can see that this will be an adventure filled with hijinks as these personalities clash against each other. Their voices are completely clear from the minute they open their mouths. Brilliant.

I don't love everything the Coens have made but this film is right at the top. They don't waste any time letting us know what we can expect from this film and making sure we enjoy it.

Three things

1) I just noticed a bunch of comments that never got emailed to me and were still waiting for moderation. Sorry about that. I wasn't blocking your comment, my email ate them.

2) I was trying to practice my editing skills today but I don't have much footage to work with so E-Boyfriend came over and we made an instructional video about preparing for a zombie attack. That was fun, and another excellent learning experience because I got to see a few more things from the actor's perspective and think about making sure cuts matched and as a writer I learned about improv on set. We had some problems uploading the footage so I won't actually have anything to edit until Monday, but hopefully next week I'll have my first fully produced short film up on Youtube.

3) The Rouge Wave has big news. Remember when I mentioned that Silver Screenwriting Contest (deadline July 3)? Well it was already pretty cool but now the grand prize has just gotten bigger. An Academy Award nominated screenwriter will have lunch with the winner. And a good screenwriter. The film he was nominated deserved the award. In fact it's probably one of my favorite films of the past year. And no it's not Norbit. So don't forget to enter because lunch with this person is so awesome you might want to lick his or her face. But don't.

Death by software

I was supposed to go to the Creative Screenwriting screening of The Wackness yesterday but I didn't make it. I wish I'd been able to go because I read the script and it was fantastic, and it won the audience award at Sundance so I have a feeling it's worth seeing. I'll just have to pay my $12.

I didn't go because I was waiting for the UPS man. He finally showed up at 8:30 with an external hard drive and a copy of Adobe Premiere.

I got all excited as I loaded it up. I downloaded some footage to play with. I hooked up the hard drive to make sure I had enough memory. I got ready to edit a movie.

And then I drooled on the keyboard with my apelike moth open, completely mystified.

I have no idea what the fuck I'm supposed to do here.

Normally when I get new software I kind of look at it for a second and start pushing buttons and I'm off. I don't know diddly shit about hardware but software is my bitch. Not this time. I started again this morning pushing buttons and typing things but so far I've still got a blank screen. I guess I'll have to actually read the manual.

I've got some tutorial stuff I plan to watch today instead of penguins so that should help, but man this is some complicated shit. Like Photoshop, because let's call a spade a spade - Photoshop is a bitch to learn. Damn Adobe.

Anyway, I called up Ex-Boyfriend in a panic last night. HELP! I said. He's coming over Wednesday with a camera and his brain to show me the ropes. And no, we're not shooting dirty videos. You stop that thought right there, pervert.

To sum up, this shit is complicated.

I am not a penguin

Long ago I had Blockbuster Online and the disks were always scratched and refused to play and then I sort of stopped watching enough movies to justify keeping it so I canceled the subscription. But after realizing that I just end up buying movies I would otherwise rent because they don't have them at the Blockbuster store on Larchmont and that I end up spending about $15 a month on movie rentals anyway, I decided to go back. Except after looking at the prices and remembering how many scratched movies I got before and that Blockbuster doesn't offer online movies, I decided to go with Netflix.

And wow, I forgot how many awesome movies I haven't seen yet. Already my queue is loaded with stuff I'd never go out and intentionally rent because usually if I get something at the store it's an action film. So I never saw Half Nelson or The Last King of Scotland or Once. And now that the TV season is in its slow stage there's plenty of time to watch a movie once a week or more.

And I've been ever so pleased already at being able to watch movies directly on my computer. Today during my planning period I watched March of the Penguins and now I want to take a little baby penguin home and let it live in my bathtub. Of course, given that it's currently 800,000 degrees outside he might not enjoy being removed from the South Pole.

By the way, my school administration seems to think the best way to combat 800,000 degree weather is to turn the air conditioning to -456 degrees. There is currently a thunderstorm forming over my classroom door.

Anyway, penguins are awesome. I finally got to see why that movie was so good. And before you go BUT EMILY! I'm paying taxes so you can work, not sit and watch movies about adorable mating penguins! know that I do A LOT of work at home. I like to stretch out on the couch and grade papers with a beer on the table in front of me, not cowering for warmth in a -456 degree classroom with a thunderstorm at the door.

But even as I curled up in my chair with my two sweaters on, I marveled at the boy penguins and their ability to withstand freezing temperatures for two months for the sake of their tiny adorable babies. Cool stuff. And yes, I am about ten years behind everybody else on the planet, but thanks, Netflix.

How movies that suck get made

I was watching Secret's Out today and I saw a clip about a movie called Brick Lane, a story about an Indian housewife in London who learns to assert herself thanks to the attention of a hot young neighbor. It looked interesting, so I looked it up to see if it was out on DVD yet. It is.

But as I got to the website to look up information on the film you can probably imagine what advertisement screamed at me from the home page: The Love Guru. And given what I was looking up at the moment that advertisement bordered on offensive for how horrible and vacuous it looks.

Little Miss Sunshine was a comedy, but it was well written and with a solid message. Even The 40 Year Old Virgin used a lot of physical humor and dirty jokes to sell its story, but it still had a solid script and a clear message. So it's not about the fact that the film is a comedy because comedies can be freaking awesome. And since my best script thus far has been a zombie tale, I'm certainly not going to attack a movie that doesn't feature "important" subject matter.

What looks so appalling about The Love Guru - which has 10% at Rotten Tomatoes - is that it looks like the studio just slapped together some elements and Mike Meyers showed up for his paycheck. Did you see him on The Daily Show? He looks bored and dejected and maybe drunk. I think he needs to do an independent film soon or he's going to lose it.

Here's how I picture the meeting between executives as they designed this film using their approved list of ideas:

EXEC 1: Hey, we need to get more young white men into the theater. What do they like?
EXEC 2: My son appears to enjoy Jessica Alba.
EXEC 1: Yes! She's very attractive. Let's put her in a movie. Do we have a superhero movie we could toss her into?
EXEC 2: Female superheroes don't make money. Let's make her a comedic sex object. Good Luck Chuck made money, right?
EXEC 1: Yes! And that movie had physical comedy. Let's make a movie with a lot of prat falls.
EXEC 2: Who does pratfalls anymore? Will Farell?
EXEC 1: He's busy making a movie about a Russian curling team. And Adam Sandler is looking for a movie with a plot to maintain his street cred right now. Who else was on Saturday Night Live?
EXEC 2: Mike Fucking Meyers, man. People love Austin Powers. I bet we could get Mike Meyers. He's probably tired of being an ogre. We could get him to do a joke every thirty seconds and then look away like he just farted.
EXEC 1: Yes! Mike Meyers and Jessica Alba. Oh and a midget! Is Mini Me available? Mike could probably get him, don't you think? Adolescent males love midgets.
EXEC 2: And hockey. Jessica Alba, midgets, Austin Powers and hockey.
EXEC 1: We'll be rich! And we won't be fired! Who can we get to write it?
EXEC 2: Oh Mike will write it. It's just like a really long Saturday Night Live sketch - he can handle that. All he has to do is follow our template.
EXEC 1: We'll still need black people.
EXEC 2: We'll make the hockey player black! That's edgy!
EXEC 1: Yes! We'll need something for the women so the guys can bring their dates.
EXEC 2: My niece is in love with Justin Timberlake. And he appears to have been amusing on Saturday Night Live. So he'll be good in this because it will be like a long sketch.
EXEC 1: Brilliant!
EXEC 2: Brilliant!

It hurts when people punch you

So first of all, I think Trainer broke my rib last time we sparred. It hurts to breathe and laugh and sleep.

Last Comic Standing was really funny last night but it almost killed me because laughing makes my chest hurt. That Israeli impressionist was flat out the funniest thing I've seen on the show this season.

I'm really worried because Trainer honestly didn't hit me that hard, and since this is the second bone injury I've sustained this year and my grandmother has Osteoporosis - I'm seeing the doctor today so we'll see what happens. My usual doctor always tells me I'll be fine - just use a heating pad - but today I'm going to urgent care so maybe I'll get someone who's reasonably competent.

I have a theory that this combined with my skin issues and my tenuous gumline means I have a vitamin D deficiency. Or maybe I've been watching too much House. I wish I had his number. Instead I asked a nurse who follows around one of my disabled students and she told me to get a back X-Ray. I think she was really happy to be asked because her job is incredibly boring.

Anyway, today because I'm in some degree of pain and the semester's almost over, I brought two movies for my first period to choose from
- Osama and The Princess Bride. Could they be any more different? If you haven't seen Osama you are missing out on something truly beautiful. It's about a girl in Taliban controlled Afghanistan who has to pretend to be a boy to help her mother. It's depressing and in subtitles.

And then of course there's The Princess Bride, happy, funny, actiony love story about a pirate and his princess and a giant and Wallace Shawn. And guess which one they picked?

Nope.

The class wanted to watch Osama, subtitles and all. And for the most part they were riveted to the screen.

Sometimes kids still surprise me. I'm kind of glad they picked the depressing story because I don't think my chest could have taken any comedy today.

UPDATE: Trainer says it's not broken and I don't have Osteoporosis and to stop being such a fucking whiney baby and take my hits like a man.

UPDATED UPDATE: Doctor says it's strained. And in retrospect I don't think it's Trainer's fault at all. I think it's Bicycle's fault from when I rode it up to Larchmont yesterday and bought a cupcake and some tinfoil.

The failure of Operation GTTMPAIRMZS

Trainer got a new client a couple of months ago. New client is a literary agent. So Trainer and I concocted a plan.

This is what Trainer was supposed to say:

"Hey, you know I have a client who wrote a zombie script and she keeps telling me how worried she is that no matter how strong her script is no agent will want to look at it because it's about zombies so they'll assume it's a B horror film when it's really a big budget action script. What should I tell her?"

I know, right? Eh? Come on, gimme some credit for that. That's good manipulative material right there.

Because at this point Potential Agent will say "Ooh, that sounds interesting. I'd love to read a big budget zombie action movie! Tell her to send it to me! Here's my card!"

And yaaaaaaay Emily gets an agent!

So here's what Trainer actually said:

"Hey, you know I have a client who's trying to be a screenwriter. What advice can you give her to get her story out there?"

So there went that cunning plan. Next time I'm writing it down.

Her advice, as it turned out, was to go to pitch fests. I find this difficult to hear because I've always been very anti-pitch fest. They take your $300 and out you in a room with hundreds of other desperate people and you all launch your stories at the agent who would most likely enjoy being anywhere else other than here right now. And somehow that's supposed to be your big break? Pfffft.

And she told Trainer that yes, most of the pitches are bad. And yes, only a tiny fraction of them ever lead to anything. But she also said a tiny fraction of them do. And if you've got a great pitch that stands out among the tumbleweeds then you might just break through the barrier.

Of course, all this was told to me via Trainer, and we've seen how well he listens.

I still don't know. Maybe I'll do the pitch fest at the next Expo. We'll see. Any of you guys have stories with pitching at these things?

I still don't believe in them, but Operation Get Trainer To Manipulate Potential Agent Into Reading My Zombie Script (GTTMPAIRMZS) failed miserably, so I guess I might as well give a pitch fest a shot.

Help me help some kids

I'm going to take a minute for some cross promotion.

Have you been to Donors Choose? Donorschoose.org is a website where teachers post items they need for projects in their classes. They post anything from construction paper to overhead projectors to dead frogs. You can go on the website and browse the projects and select one you like, then donate any amount of money to help make it happen. In return you get a thank you package from the kids and the knowledge that you will help further their education.

I can vouch for this program as reliable. They took like a week to analyze my proposal to make sure it was legitimate and that I am legitimate. And if a teacher gets the money and doesn't send back the thank you package they are never allowed to ask for money again.

I put a project up last week: Learn to Use a Real Camera. A soon as it gets approved there will be a photo on the proposal but it's not up there yet. I got tired of asking and asking for equipment to make the yearbook so I asked society for what my school won't provide. My kids are using a Gateway camera. Yes, Gateway makes cameras and they're every bit as crappy as you would imagine. But it's all we have. So I've asked for a sports camera - not even a great one but one that will do for now.

I'm not asking you to donate to my project necessarily, but I would love it if you donated to something. Teachers get great ideas all the time for some really cool learning experiences but money often prevents us from making them a reality. You may not consider yearbook and important class, but maybe you loved science in school, or art or history or any one of the subjects represented on that site. And if you don't have the money to donate, tell people who do.

In California this year the governor plans to cut billions of dollars from our education budget because people don't want to give up any more money to teach the future leaders of our country. The first programs to go will be the arts. Then our classes will get bigger. Then one by one anything that's not strict classroom instruction will fall by the wayside.

I'm not trying to sound like Sally Struthers over here - but you know how sometimes I post essays my kids write and you guys go JESUS CHRIST how stupid are our children?!

You remember that? Yeah, well here's what you can do to help. Pick a project. Help make a kid smarter.

The best movie ever

Saturday Michael from Red Right Hand and I began talking about what movie each of us chucks into the DVD player when we're bored. Not what your official favorite is, but what's the one you never seem to get tired of watching.

Because when people ask what my favorite film is, I usually say Hero. I LOVE that movie, but I have to be in a particular mood to watch it because it makes me cry and it's got subtitles for me to read, although the awesome martial arts do make it easier. In the theater I instantly fell in love with the film the second I saw Yimou Zhang's brilliant use of color to visually enforce the theme.

But that's not the movie I go to when I'm looking for pure entertainment. And as Michael and I were talking about our favorite film cures for boredom we realized how much that choice says about each of us as a writer.

I personally love the anti-hero and bad guys who are good guys and good guys who are bad guys. I love bittersweet endings and surprising and meaningful deaths. I love fight scenes and beat-the-clock-or-die scenarios. I love a story that never loses sight of its theme.

I realized after I said what film I love to watch that it's a film that has all of the things I love for a film to have. Which makes sense.

So what movie exemplifies all the things I love in a film? What movie do I throw into the DVD player when nothing's on?

Pitch Black.

What's yours?

Game Night exists

Hallefuckingluia!

Nine months - that's right, I could have gotten pregnant and had a baby by now - after we shot Game Night, I finally saw the first two scenes put together today. I knew I chose Editor for a reason. So far it looks really good. Even the temp music is excellent.

So far I got some unexpected laughs. I had everything pretty set in my head, so seeing cuts I didn't expect was kind of cool. I laughed at things I wasn't expecting to laugh at because of the way they're cut.

For instance, there's a scene where Billy passes a gun to his girlfriend Valerie. That scene is in slow motion, and then it cuts to Sheila, who's watching the gun pass take place and I'm not sure what she was actually looking at, but the look on her face is hilarious. When you watch the footage straight through her facial expression at that moment is not even something you think about, but coming off that previous scene it keeps making me laugh every time I watch it.

So even though it took a million years, I'm really glad I had someone else edit my film because it's allowing me to see the way you can put a few shots together to really alter how you see the film.

Hopefully I'll have a rough cut in a week or so.

I'll tell you one thing about waiting this long to see your movie - it really makes you appreciate its awesomeness.

Inane Questions from Unk's blog

The Unknown Screenwriter has been inundated with questions he just can't answer so I thought I'd lend a hand. These are absolutely 100% serious answers and if you don't follow my advice you'll die alone and unsuccessful in a dumpster behind Roscoe's Chicken and Waffles.

1) Should I type FADE IN: at the beginning of my screenplay?

Never. Every screenplay should open with an explanation of your journey through this story and why it's the best thing since string cheese.

2) Should I number my scenes?

Yes, but show some creativity. Do them in square roots or something. 1, 2, 3, 4 is really cliche.

2.75) Generally speaking, about how many parentheticals should I have in my screenplay?

Every line of dialogue should contain a parenthetical. Otherwise, how will the actors know what facial expressions to make?

4) Can I just type FIN at the end of my screenplay?

Is that your name? That's a stupid name. Smack your parents.

5) Do you use Celtx?

I'm rooting for the Lakers.

6) If I use Celtx to write my screenplay will I have a better chance of selling it?

I don't know, but I hear Paramount only accepts scripts written with Photoshop.

7) Should I sign my screenplay?

Not if your name is Fin.

8) Should I include my email address on my screenplay?

Email is too advanced for Hollywood. Try telegram.

9) Why do I have to put my character’s name in caps througout my screenplay?

Because.

10) What do I do with my screenplay when I’m finished with it?

Line your parakeet's cage with it. Or use it to wrap fish in. Or use it as toilet paper. Look, I can't solve all your recycling problems for you, you'll just have to figure it out on your own.

11) Can you take a look at page 69 of my screenplay and tell me if it’s correct?

I only read porn scripts if they feature a love scene during double anal.

12) Should I send my screenplay to you in a box or an envelope?

I only accept scripts from the hands of hot young shirtless male J Crew models.

13) If I pay you $5000, will you help me sell my screenplay?

Sure. I'll call all the PAs in town and tell them to ask around.

14) If I pay you $10,000 will you help me sell my screenplay?

Sure. I'll stalk Colin Farell until he agrees to sex me, I mean read it.

15) Will you marry me?

Are you Colin Farell, Jensen Ackles or Michael Trucco? That's your answer.

16) What font should I use to write my screenplay?

Zapf Dingbats.

17) Can I just write my screenplay in Word?

Yes, I suggest you always use words when writing screenplays.

18) How many pages should my screenplay be?

Exactly 378.5 with no exceptions. Ever.

19) How long should each act of my screenplay be?

Whatever a third of 378.5 is.

20) Is it okay if my hero and villain both have the same name?

I think it would be much cooler if you called them Good Guy and Bad Guy.

21) Is it okay if my Protagonist is Hillary Clinton?

Will she be wearing a cape? That's your answer.

22) Is it okay to thank my Mom in my screenplay?

Is your mom Hillary Clinton? That's your answer.

23) Is it okay to thank my husband in my screenplay?

If it comes during the double anal love scene.

24) Is it okay to thank YOU in my screenplay?

If it comes during the double anal love scene.

25) Do you accept credit cards?

Absolutely. I have even a Pay Pal button!

26) Do you live alone?

Okay, stalker. I have a viscious man-eating cat living with me and he's very jealous. And furry.

27) What’s your favorite color?

Blue. For reals.

28) What’s your favorite food?

Tortas from that Mexican grocery near my school. When I finally leave that place I will drive down there once a week just to buy a $3.00 sandwich. Seriously.

29) What’s your favorite drink?

Today it's Orangina.

30) Do you smoke?

Only if I'm on fire.

31) Do you drink?

Only if I'm on fire.

32) What color are you eyes?

I believe the technical term is Fucking Blue as Crap.

33) When’s the last time you had sex?

Whenever your mom was over last.

Plans and stuff

I realized yesterday that if I bought Avid my computer would explode. So instead I ordered Adobe Premiere and an external hard drive (both still with the educator's discount), because I like my computer and I don't want to blow it up.

I'll practice on my Game Night footage so that by the time I go to edit Guthrie I'll have an idea of what I'm doing. And if I end up sucking as an editor, I'll turn to one of the people I know who's better than me. But I'd like to give it a try first, and it's not an absurd amount of money. It's not cheap, but it's not going to bankrupt me either.

Now I just have to buy a camera.

Meanwhile....

The Great Dramatic Irony Debate: The Sequel has begun over at Wordplay. It never ceases to amaze me that so many people can be confronted with a dictionary definition of a term and refuse to admit that they're wrong. I got a little carried away the last time and some girl told me I was a horrible teacher and implied that I was a cunt - yes that word and yes, over a goddamn definition of a fucking literary term - so I'm trying very hard to stay as clean as possible in this one. Still, I can feel the ire rising again. Just when I think I got out, they pull me back in.

And, I should add, Terry Rossio will now forever know me as the girl who pissed him off by criticizing his vocabulary on her blog.

For the record, I've met Terry and I think he's fabulous and wonderful and makes a bazillion dollars more than I do and I really liked The Mask of Zorro and I wish he'd stop hating me.

Emily the editor

As I thought about my next film project I started to piece together a crew in my head. I was going through my mental rolodex, trying to find all the DPs I know (2), all the sound guys I know (1), all the gaffers I know (1), all the composers I know (3), all the PAs I know (378), and all the editors I know (3).

And then I stopped a bit on that editor thing.

Game Night was filmed in September. And I plan to shoot again in September or maybe sooner. And I don't want to spend another year waiting for somebody else to edit the film.

The main reason I had someone else edit Game Night is that I didn't want to practice editing on something that cost me a grand to make. I wanted it done by somebody who knew something. And that has been the bane of my existence ever since.

If I'd bought an editing program when I shot the film I could have learned how to edit my own stuff by now.

So the lightbulb zapped me in the face and yesterday I ordered a copy of Avid so I can use my Game Night footage to teach myself how to edit.

But Avid is eight hundred bazillion dollars! you say.

Nope. Not if you're a teacher. Just like I got MovieMagic at a steep discount, I get Avid for like 90% off or something if I can prove I'm an educator. Just like I get a discount on car insurance. I guess they have to do something to make up for the fact that I spend all day putting up with your children.

Just kidding, I love your children.

Anyway, it's time this lady learned to do something for herself. So pretty soon I will be adding Editor to my list of qualifications. I have no idea how to edit so I hope I don't suck.

How do I fake a winter wonderland for cheap?

While I'm still building my plan to eventually film The Corner, I am for the moment concentrating my efforts on Guthrie, a short I can film for ultra cheap with two actors in a studio apartment.

I'm contemplating playing the female role myself. She only has like three lines and half of them are from the other side of a closed door and I got a big head from my acting debut so I'm gonna try it.

I have one big problem with the short: It takes place in Oregon during the middle of winter. The guy never leaves the apartment so it doesn't impact the filming that much, but there is a scene where he looks out the window and sees the mountains and the snow-covered street below. There are no people, just empty street and I want his breath to fly out into the scene.

Clearly I do not live in Oregon, but I do live near the Hollywood Hills. And of course it never snows here, but it occasionally does there.

So, effects people, how do I do that? How am I going to fake a guy looking out a window into the quiet winter wonderland for next to no money? If I have to fly to Oregon it kind of defeats the purpose of doing this cheapo short. And no, I can't ditch the location. It's 100% relevant to the plot.

Any ideas?

Comedy that makes you cry

Right now the "Jurassic Bark" episode of Futurama is on Comedy Central. This is the episode where Fry finds out what happened to his dog after he disappeared in 2000. It's this amazingly beautiful story about loyalty and love and sacrifice. And grown testosterone-filled men are reduced to weepy little puddles of mush at the end. It's one of the best episodes of television ever.

But isn't Futurama an animated comedy, you say? Why yes, it is. And I promise you will cry if you watch that episode. No one is immune to its sappy charms. But before you cry, you will laugh.

Remember that episode of Friends where Ross and Rachel broke up? I laughed my ass off at Joey eating leg wax in the bedroom, then cried a little as Ross broke down and begged Rachel to forgive him while she tried to stay immune to his pleas.

Or that Scrubs episode where Dr. Cox lost all his transplant patients because he neglected to test the donated organs for rabies.

There's a scene in Catch 22 (the novel - I've never seen the film) where these soldiers are all out in the ocean being goofy and playing in the water and calling each other names. The first time I read that scene I had a big old grin on my face and probably laughed out loud at something one of the guys said.

Then I turned the page and one of the guys was cut in half by a low flying plane. And my face went from a smile to an open mouth shocked state to a teary frown. In like 30 seconds.

That's the best kind of comedy, I think. The kind of comedy that is so consistently funny that the sad parts hit you harder. You're laughing, laughing, crying. And crying hard because you weren't expecting to be so serious.

I don't really write much comedy, but if i did I'd want to write like that. Make you laugh, then punch you in the gut with emotion.

Protests, Roger Rabbit and the Prom

This morning I joined my colleagues for a one-hour strike outside our school. I was glad I had practiced by picketing with the WGA a couple of times because I knew what to expect. I made it my mission to smile and wave at all the people who honked their support - and there were many. If you honked at some teachers this morning, thank you.

For those outside California - the state is planning to cut 10% of the education budget this year because somebody somewhere screwed up. These cuts are going to hurt schools like mine the most because my kids don't have rich parents who can donate computers to make up for the losses. We're in danger of losing arts programs, teacher positions, extra curricular activities. We'll probably have 40 kids to a class in some places. So we called attention to the plight this morning by yelling a lot of chants on Washington. I also protested by eating a chocolate iced donut.

While I was standing out there I struck up a conversation with one of our drama teachers. I mentioned my time on the lines with the WGA and he mentioned that he was in the WGA. Turns out he used to work at Disney. Apparently there is a sequel to Who Framed Roger Rabbit? lost up there in development hell. Perhaps it will some day reappear.

I didn't get a chance to mention my own writing aspirations because another teacher started talking about his film class, so now of course I can't go back to my Disney friend and be like "Hey remember when you said you worked for Disney? Got any friends there who want to see a zombie script?" Perhaps I can bring it up in another conversation some day.

Tonight I attend my eighth prom. You know, they start getting boring after you go to that many proms, although it's a little better when you bring a date and I am lucky enough to have one this evening. And at least our prom is pretty nice and there's good food. I like taking pictures, but I'm starting to run out of pretty dresses to wear.

Stay away from The Roosevelt Hotel on Hollywood tonight unless you want to be surrounded by horny teens in strappy dresses.

I'm learning not to bite off more than I can chew

I've been super stressed this week. Ooof.

Yearbooks came out Tuesday. Yearbook Day consists of putting together a slide show and presenting it to the senior class, then giving out presold yearbooks, then selling yearbooks, then listening to every student in school tell me how much the yearbooks suck and how many things we got wrong. I tell my kids not to expect anybody to say anything nice about the book. Even if it's the most beautiful and comprehensive book ever made, all anyone will notice is that you misspelled Mr. Okuwoke's name on page 57.

But at least this year I didn't get an angry parent complaining to the principal ten minutes after the books appeared, so there's that.

In between yearbook and English class and having a social life, I've been trying to put together a shoot for The Corner, the boxing short film I've been in love with ever since I wrote it. My actors keep asking me when I'll be ready to shoot. People have been offering their crew services. Everybody wants me to direct this film.

But I don't want to direct it. I want to produce it. I don't have that director gene, that element in your personality that drives you to tell people what to do and accept no excuses. Sure, I manage a classroom, but in there it's a lot of negotiation, they're all younger and less experienced than me, and if they don't do their work it usually hurts only them, not the whole class.

Directing is different.

I never meant to direct Game Night. It just sort of happened. And on the set I felt lost. I only ever wanted to get all the talented people I know in a room and watch them work - I never wanted to tell them what to do once they got there. So on set I was relying heavily on help from people who knew what they were doing. Fortunately I had a great crew and terrific actors, but I can already tell that if I end up with some prima donna DP he'll walk all over me. Actors I get, actors I know how to talk to. The crew is a mystery to me.

I loved producing, though, so I want to do that again as much as possible. I'm the kind of producer who chooses you because I like your work, and when you step on set I'll trust you to do your funky thing with the script that I wrote. That makes me happy.

So a couple of weeks ago I asked Ex-Boyfriend if he wanted to direct The Corner. He read it and although he liked parts of it, he said it was too serious to appeal to his directing style. He prefers ridiculous comedies and straight-up action stories. So he won't be directing the film.

And I had kind of a mini panic attack, partly brought on by that being the moment I had a plumbing incident that resulted in a minor flood exploding onto my floor, but also because I suddenly felt convinced I would be forced to direct it because for this particular project I want to use someone I know and trust, not some random guy I picked up on Craigslist. This post is not about me looking for a director, either. It's just me venting my frustration and admitting that I'm not invincible.

But then after I mopped up my floor Ex-Boyfriend told me I needed to take the pressure off. I don't even have Game Night finished yet (3 weeks to a rough cut, swears my editor) so I'm jumping the gun on planning something that requires a boxing ring and a host of extras.

But I already promised my actors I'd have a part for them in September, I said. They'll all be so let down.

So let's make something simple instead, Ex-Boyfriend said.

And then I realized I had this 9 minute script I'd been trying to submit to student filmmakers. It's a script I wrote that's sort of like a darkly comedic Twilight Zone episode to involve two actors and one location and can be shot for hellacheap. All I need is a studio apartment, which I could probably replicate in a hotel room.

Even if Ex-Boyfriend doesn't want to direct it I think I could handle this project. It's simple, more like a project between friends. And the minute I realized that, my stress dissipated.

So The Corner is on hold for the time being. I will produce that script because I love it, but it won't be this year unless I suddenly come into a vast fortune. Instead I will be producing Guthrie, something much, much simpler and less likely to make me freak out.

I will update my sidebar accordingly soon.

Just like riding a bike

This has nothing to do with screenwriting.

Some time ago Bill Martell wrote a post about wanting to get a bicycle and when I read his post I was like - hey, why don't I have a bicycle? I live near tons of stuff and gas has gone way up and because of my foot I still can't run but am still supposed to get five days of cardio a week, so I should have a bicycle.

So I went on Craigslist and found this lady who bought a $130 bike but discovered her body couldn't handle it, but accidentally damaged the back reflector so she couldn't return it. She sold it to me for $75.

I've turned it into the bike version of a souped-up Honda. I put on a bell, whose purpose so far has only been to fill me with glee when I ring it as I cruise downhill yelling "Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!"

I got a fancy lock so it won't get stolen easily and I added a basket I can take right off the front of the bike and go into the store and put groceries in it and put it back on the bike and ride home. And I bought a stupid looking helmet. So all in all my accessories are worth as much as I paid for the actual bicycle.

Every few days I've ridden it further than I rode it the time before, which has made riding easier and easier each trip. Today I rode it to the rental office to pay my rent and made it there just before everybody went home. My building Manager, who was shocked to find I lived in his building since he didn't recognize me even though he's the guy who came to check up on me when some jerkwad complained about the crew in my apartment to film Game Night. Anyway, Manager was all amazed that I'd ridden the bike such a long distance.

And it probably seems like a long distance to someone who isn't all that physically active. Hell, it seemed like a long distance before I started riding the bike. But once I got into the habit I found that I didn't even feel tired when I rode. What I thought would be difficult was a piece of cake in the end.

When my mom first taught me to ride a bike she put me on one and told me to ride it to the Stop sign before I was allowed to come in and eat dinner.

I haven't ridden a bike in like five years, but of course you know the saying about remembering how to ride a bike. I found myself instinctively posting as I hopped over potholes and weaving around obstacles like I'd never been away. Because once your muscles and your mind know how to do a thing they never forget. Then it's all about putting on the little bell and knowing you can do it.

And there's a metaphor in there somewhere.

A grain of salt with your podcast

Lately as I planned lessons and graded papers I've been listening to Creative Screenwriting's podcasts from the post-screening Q&As. These are usually great interviews conducted by Jeff Goldsmith with the writers and sometimes the directors or actors involved in bringing the film to the screen.

You should definitely listen to them. They're chock full of information and good jokes. I particularly enjoyed the one from The Forbidden Kingdom, which reminded me that Chinese people have the awesomest sense of humor of all the nations. Some of the films screened have been truly terrific and the resulting interviews have added to my understanding of technique.

But here's the thing. And I get that Jeff Goldsmith is in a tough position here because even if the entire audience loathed the film he still has to pretend it's the greatest work ever or piss off the artist sitting in front of him.

But it still made me a little ill today when I listened to him kiss Uwe Boll's ass after a screening of Postal.

By the way, right at the beginning of the interview some girl brought Boll a bouquet of flowers and called him a genius. I wonder how much he paid her.

Anyway, Goldsmith told Boll he'd like to take his literature class. He lamented that Boll hadn't spent more time showing the world his genius comedy chops. He was just complimenting the man left and right.

Now in Goldsmith's defense, Boll is known to threaten physical violence to anyone who doesn't think he's the biggest genius in film, so there may have been genuine fear going on there.

Still. This happens a lot. Goldsmith never screened a movie that wasn't terrific. I guess in his position even if he hated the film he can't tell somebody to his face that his story blows, but I guess it's the volume of compliments I've heard the man pay to Lions for Lambs, Postal and a few other less than stellar films that makes me question his opinion on the quality of a movie. Then again, he's not a reviewer so why should I care?

And certainly I'm grateful to him for always being polite as hell as he checks us all off and makes sure everybody who can get in gets into the screening and for setting up the screenings in the first place. For that, Goldsmith is an awesome dude. But I wish he wouldn't fawn over films that weren't all that great.

So I guess I'm saying, listen to the podcasts if you don't already because they can be really great, but be prepared to have to occasionally roll your eyes at the sound of how awesome everybody is.

Real reality TV

I decided to have a relaxation weekend. I got a much-needed massage, I rode my bike to the farmer's market, I read, I wrote some pages, I sat around and watched TV.

And as I flipped channels I discovered two shows I am an idiot for not watching before, two shows that are great examples of creating story from the world around us.

I first watched Kitchen Nightmares. I've avoided this show because all I've seen of Hell's Kitchen is some angry British dude berating people in the kitchen because they can't brine a shrimp properly. I really don't want to watch a show about an asshole who abused his power because he can.

But that's where I forgot about the nature of American reality TV. It's all manufactured bullshit. Because what I learned from Kitchen Nightmares, a BBC show where Gordon Ramsey travels around the UK helping restaurant owners save their failing businesses, is that he's not really like that asshole he plays on Hell's Kitchen.

I watched this one episode where this couple did nothing but fight with each other and the customers, and it had driven away all their business. Ramsey convinced them to change their menu, bringing less stress to the kitchen which caused fewer fights between them. Then he taught the wife to stop being so antagonistic toward customers because you can't be rude and expect people to come eat with you. And that's the exact opposite of what he displays on his American show.

The best thing about this episode is that he not only saved the restaurant, he saved this couple's marriage. The wife started smiling. The couple stopped fighting. Their business doubled. Their shouting matches ceased. That was a cool story and it really happened. It was so beautiful I was almost moved to tears.

BBC shows don't force the drama the way the major network shows do. They let it happen and use editing to tell a story, whereas American producers ten to prod and poke the people on the show to create story even if there isn't one. I'd much rather watch a sweet story about a couple who lost their way and needed a guide to help them get their direction back than some angry man berate his chefs because they left too much salt out of the soup.

Then I was flipping channels and stumbled on Meerkat Manor. How the crap have I not been watching this? This show is fucking fascinating. I put it on in the background while I was sending emails and reading things and before I knew it I tossed everything else aside and stared at my television, completely enraptured by these little guys. The narration is key, because without it we wouldn't necessarily know what's going on, but the writers on this show tell a brilliant story about love and war and family and general awesomeness.

I know everybody and their mom discovered this show before me, but I'm glad I finally got around to figuring out why it's so great.

On both shows, it's a natural story that the writers and editors clean up and focus so we really see the drama. It's far more fascinating to me than some show with manufactured drama.

Carrie would look down on my closet.

Last night one of my oldest friends called to ask me if I thought she should wear a suit or something more artsy to a job interview.

I laughed.

I've had two real jobs in my life - reporter and teacher. And at both jobs I wore jeans and button down collared shirts as my standard wardrobe. I don't even own a power suit or anything that resembles one. My shoes come from Sketchers, Nike and Payless. My wardrobe is 90% The Gap. My going out clothes come from Forever 21. My really nice going out clothes come from Frederick's of Hollywood. My fanciest item is a skirt I got off the sale rack at Bebe four years ago. I don't own any heels higher than kitten.

Maybe that's why I don't get Sex and the City. I like clothes that look good and I'm horribly jealous of my coworker who always puts together these fantastic clothing combinations that would never occur to me, but if I had a choice I'd reach for the jeans and T-shirt every time.

Sex and the City is about four women who have lots of dramatic relationship issues and wear expensive clothes. It's not about a whole lot else. I talk about clothes sometimes. I talk about sex sometimes. But by and large those conversations are a small fraction of how I spend my conversational time and I can't fathom spending 2 and a half hours bouncing between sex and the shops on Melrose.

I get that lots of women like that they aren't afraid to talk about sex openly the way men do. I like that the women are fairly independent and have jobs and stuff. That's great and for some people that's enough. But I can't think of much more boring material to sit through.

Unless there is a gun battle in the middle of the wedding. Is there a chance Aiden shows up with a gatlin gun to demand Carrie back from Big right as they're saying their vows? Because that would make me watch it.

The scenes you remember

Today I'm doing my favorite assignment ever. We just finished reading Elie Wiesel's Night, so I have the kids get into groups and make an art project. Each group has a paper bag with art supplies in it. Using only the supplies in the bag, they must create a three-dimensional representation of a pivotal scene of their choice from the novel.

So for two days I sit and watch my kids cut and paste, and I learn. Right now the group with the laziest, most frequently absent boys who have the worst collective grades in the class are working their asses off to create this really clever project where little people are going to pop out of a paper and march around in the snow. They're really pissed because I only gave them one pencil.

You have never seen such adorable concentration camps in your life, I swear.

One of my kids is very excited because he saw "Jewish churches" recently and was surprised to learn they were still around. The kids really should leave South Central more often.

Anyway, one interesting thing I learn through this and other assignments is what in a story stands out in a kid's mind. Violence, intense natural images, extreme circumstances, the unexpected.

In Night it tends to be the long march the prisoners take through the snow, or the hanging of the child, or the moment when a man's son murders him on the train for a crust of bread, or the moment when the Nazis throw babies in the air and use them for target practice.

In All Quiet on the Western Front they remember the horses screaming in the middle of the night while they trip over their own intestines after an attack. They also remember how the soldiers walk naked in their boots to meet the French women they plan to have sex with.

In Great Expectations they remember the cake covered in cobwebs.

So it makes me think about what scene in my own scripts would stick out in their minds. In Not Dead Yet, I'm pretty sure it's the moment when a kid gets his arm chopped off or the tidal wave.

If my kids had to make a project out of your movie, what scenes would they remember? What would be the most important moment when the point of the story summed up in an image or two?

Confused thoughts on the film: The Foot Fist Way

On Memorial Day I walked up to Raleigh Studios to watch a screening of The Foot Fist Way, an independent film shot in Concord, NC about a somewhat inept Tae Kwan Do instructor. This film premiered at Sundance, where it was picked up by Paramount Vantage thanks to the efforts of Will Farrel, who apparently thought this was one of the funniest films he ever saw.

Yeah, I wouldn't go that far.

SPOILERS

This film was all over the place. I hated the main character, then he surrounded himself by such despicable people that I hated him a little less, then I hated him again. I thought briefly that the film was spoofing Tae Kwan Do, but then it wasn't. I thought one dude was a pedophile but that didn't go anywhere. I wasn't sure if this was about fighting or breaking boards with your fist. The main character was a completely incompetent idiot, then suddenly he was a great teacher.

This would be okay I guess if it was some kind of progression set up as the guy's journey but I have to say I was never sure what the hell the guy's journey was. By the time I figured out what lesson he was supposed to learn he'd already learned it. So I was kind of like "Oh. Oh is that what this movie was about?"

There were moments when people in the audience burst into hysterical laughter and all I could do was look around the room trying to figure out what in the sam hill was so god damn funny. I laughed out loud about four times, but the audience lost its shit a lot more than that. I'll be damned if I can figure out why.

This movie had genuine moments of brilliance, but each one was followed by a scene that could have been written by one of my tenth graders.

I loved the protagonist's creepy best friend and his sincere love of the sport, and some of the kids' arcs were fantastic. But for every scene I loved there was one I hated just as much.

For instance, there is a scene where it looks like our teacher and some of his students are at a party and one of them named Henry, I think - by far the most interesting character in this film - starts a potential brawl in the room when some lame guitar player insults him. And I thought - oh cool, this movie's finally getting good - as each of his friends get ready to duke it out in one of the few truly funny moments in the film. And then the leader of the other crew just laughs it off and the fight defuses. I was disappointed as hell after all that build up.

There is finally a fight between our protagonist and his disappointing hero that I really enjoyed, but then it's followed up not by a climactic fight, but by a competition to see who can break the most boards with his fist. So again I was saying to myself, is that what this movie's about? Is that what Tae Kwan Do is about? Breaking boards? What the hell good is a fighting movie when winning a fight is not the goal?

Then again, a part of me thought that was an interesting twist.

Then again, I can't argue with the fact that I felt let down by the ending.

So all in all this movie left me perplexed. Parts of it I loved. Parts of it I spent leaning out of my chair, dreaming of the sunlight outside and wishing I could get some soon.

So if anybody gets a chance to see this movie, let me know what you think. I'm not even sure what my opinion is.

Thanks, Sydney Pollack

As you've probably heard, Sydney Pollack died today. And although I recognized him as an actor I couldn't remember more than three or four of his eight bazillion projects as a director. So I looked up his IMDB credits, and man are there a lot of great credits on there: The Firm, Out of Africa, Tootsie, The Way We Were, Jeremiah Johnson.

I don't love everything he's ever done, but there is one movie that tops all others for me: Three Days of the Condor.

Robert Redford plays a CIA analyst who is the only survivor of a massacre at his office. And as he tries to figure out who's responsible and who he can trust, the bad guys try to finish what they started by tracking him down.

These days many action movies are all special effects and absurd irrelevant situations (see the new Indiana Jones for examples) but Three Days of the Condor was one dude with no real training relying solely on his instinct and his surroundings to survive each day. No special effects, no crazy stunts, just conflict brought on by story.

You know this guy isn't a kick ass martial artist, so you're really worried about him every time he has to fight for his life against the next professional assassin. Plus he's Robert Redford so he's hot.

The fight scenes are intense because you're caught up in the story. You don't need and crazy impossible stunts.

This is the kind of movie that inspired my desire to write action films.

So as soon as I remembered how much I loved that movie I scrolled through the next week's movies on all the channels that show older movies to see if Three Days of the Condor was airing any time soon, and what do you know, it will be on TMC Tuesday night. So how do you like that?

So thanks, Sydney Pollack. You left behind one hell of an awesome legacy.

I hope when I die I leave one eighth as much awesomeness in my wake.

Thoughts on the film: Indiana Jones

No Real Spoilers.

Okay I know I said I didn't want to read reviews before I went to see Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull, but it turns out that wouldn't really have mattered. For some unfathomable reason, the critics are dry humping this movie all over the place.

I went to a 10:30 showing at The Grove last night which was sold out. I chose my seat carefully and stayed in it for half an hour while every other seat in the house filled up. The seat next to me stayed empty because I'm apparently the only person in Los Angeles who has no problem going to movies alone.

So after the lights have already gone down and the previews have started this old foreign couple comes up and the wife just plops down in the seat next to me, leaving her husband stumped and standing in the aisle. She looks at me and says, "Are you alone?"

"Yes."

"Would you please move to that seat over there?"

The seat "over there" was a terrible seat. I did not just spend half an hour guarding my seat to give it up to these people who didn't have the foresight to come early to a soldout screening. Besides, there were still some spots up in the front two rows.

"No," I said. And she was completely taken back. She ordered her husband to sit "over there" instead and like an abused domesticated animal he silently complied.

I started watching the movie thinking, "Okay. Not the opening I would have hoped for but it's still fun"

Then I was like, "Okay it's not great but it's still fun. It's entertaining."

Then I was like "Okay that would never happen. In fact that's a little ridiculous."

Then I was like "Okay this is absurd. People don't behave this way. Physics don't behave this way. This movie is terrible."

A couple of moments of suspension of disbelief I can handle, but when people continually behave in a way contrary to logical human behavior, it gets harder and harder to lose yourself in the story and shut off that piece of your brain that finds it all stupid.

Also, Han - I mean Indy - actually says "I've got a bad feeling about this." Really? REALLY?

Mystery Man does an excellent rundown of all the reasons this movie doesn't work, but my biggest problem is simply that I don't buy it. I'm willing to forgive a lot of little issues, but when a teenage boy who dropped out of high school turns out to be some kind of super human sword fighting, archaeological experting, strategizing, snake catching, kickboxing, mortocycle repairing, vine swinging, monkey rangling, tear dropping greaser who can balance between two Jeeps while fencing and getting hit in the nuts repeatedly, I start to groan.

And that's what this movie is. A groaner. I simply do not understand why the hell the critics tricked people into thinking it was great.

I'm gonna be a star

Red Right Hand made his movie. It's called Area Five and it's all up on the Youtube and it stars some chick who has frizzy hair and takes her shirt off so you can see her pot belly.



And RRH talks about the making of it HERE.

The easy answer

Okay this post is going to be a little negative. I don't like being negative but sometimes, dammit, it has to be done.

The other day this dude posted on Wordplayer asking for a way to guarantee his masterpiece will sell. "How do I get my script in front of readers?" he asked.

Everybody answered him, a couple with really eloquent posts, about how you need to write a great script and meet people and enter contests and
learn the ropes and that there is no easy answer. And the guy kept coming back with the statement that these suggestions gave an "unknowable" outcome.

Well, yeah. This isn't physics, dude. It's art. And art is subjective and competitive and indeed unknowable.

As proof, I offer the movie Torque which is playing on my TV right now. This movie is awful but a lot of people put a lot of time and money in it. The reason why is completely unknowable. So why the hell am I subjecting myself to this piece of crap on a motorcycle? I'm about to go to bed so I don't want to invest my time in something I care about, and this movie has completely ridiculous explosions.

OMG! They just drove their motorcycles so fast they merged into a video game! That bullet just set fire to his leaky sesium fuel deposit or some shit!

This movie is retarded. Unless any of the people involved in making that film should happen to read this blog someday, in which case I find it a thought-provoking piece of excellence in cinema, sirs.

But I digress.

This guy on Wordplayer kept coming back with the same comment about how he needed to know what method to take to get his script in front of the reader. He rejected anything that wasn't a logical, mathematical formula for how to become a screenwriter.

Every year people move to LA and give themselves a year to find a job as a professional screenwriter. Don't do that. It will not happen in a year and most of the people who think it will end up giving up and going back to the familiar when they don't make their goal. Know why Diablo Cody is famous? Because nobody else has ever done what she did, so don't go thinking you'll be like her. If you are like her - AWESOME. You've beaten the odds.

I've been in LA 3 years. I have some contacts, I have a solid script and a bunch of not solid scripts, I have great friends. I know people who've been here for decades and have only scratched the surface of the industry. I know people who work as writers, but still have to struggle to find jobs every time they finish the last one.

So if you're one of those people who wants to move here and try it for a year, save your money. Write a bunch of scripts and then come here prepared to invest some time.

Most of you already know that way better than I do already so I'll finish up my point.

This guy insisted on an easy answer so I told him to get the Hollywood Creative Directory and query agents, which as you all know is 98% a waste of your time. But he thanked me and was so glad somebody finally answered his question so he could go on his merry, but not before asking me where to find the HCD because apparently he is unfamiliar with Google.

Now maybe he's just knew and eager and excited and scared and will figure it out the hard way. Sometimes new people don't want to hear the truth because the truth is depressing. But he'll either learn soon or hang on to his day job.

Don't be that guy.

Good new developments, everybody. Torque ended and now I'm watching Housesitter, which is a much better film. I would totally go shopping with Goldie Hawn. She makes up for the lack of explosions.

Sometimes I read the reviews

I was supposed to go see Indiana Jones tonight with my college roommate but God ordained that she would not be in LA tonight. He blew up her water heater and then he gave her bronchitis. Mysterious ways indeed.

So I do not have my opinion of the movie ready. I'll either see it tomorrow as I run around the city doing stuff or Sunday as I run around the city doing stuff. Saturday I'm staying home and doing stuff.

I usually read the reviews because I don't want to pay money and deal with parking in order to see a movie that sucks. And I don't mind being mildly spoiled sometimes.

Reviews are what made me see Iron Man. They're also what made me avoid Speed Racer. I feel satisfied with those choices.

But this time I haven't read any of them. I don't want to know. I plan to see Indy no matter what the critics say and I'm worried that it will not be good so I'm avoiding any outside opinions whatsoever. That will be difficult since Ex-Boyfriend and I are hanging out tonight and he watched the movie last night. I don't even want to know if he liked it, but I'll probably ask him anyway because I can't help it.

I know a lot of people hate reviews, but the truth is that the reviewers are right a lot of the time. Sometimes they gang up unnecessarily on a movie - I mean Waterworld wasn't THAT bad - but most of the time they make some really good observations. Or at least if they're wrong they're like a million degress wrong and it's pretty obvious.

So usually if I'm deciding what to see I'll check the reviews. But I don't care what they think about Indy. I'm prepared to love it.

I'm not going to read reviews of The Dark Knight either. But I will read the reviews of The Hulk.

The day I met my mother

On May 22, three decades ago, my very pregnant mother sat on a wall watching her Catholic school students play during recess. A nun walked up to her and said, "How are you?"

"I'm in labor," my mother said.

The nun understandably freaked out. My mom told her to chill.

She went to the doctor's office for a check-up because I was due any day now. I'm punctual like that.

"You're in labor," the doctor said.

"I know," replied my mother.

Then she went to pick up my father for his birthday dinner. She told him happy birthday, but she'd have to put it on hold because they were about to have a baby.

They took my sister to my grandma's house and mom drove them to the hospital. The doctor said she had a while to go and did she mind terribly if he went home and got some dinner? She said okay.

And as soon as he drove out of the parking lot I said "I'm up out this piece!" and I decided to break loose from my watery cavern.

And the nurse who was supposed to give my mother an epidural dropped the needle twice and my mom said nope! and at 10 pm she pushed me out all by herself, no doctor, no needles, no nothing.

And I was a wee little hairless baby who weighed five pounds nothin. She said I looked like Gandhi on a hunger strike.

And the first thing I did when they shoved me in her arms was grab her necklace and look her in the eye and go, "Look here, lady. I'm in the world now. Things are gonna change."

And they did.

Group Work

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The killer monologue

Every year during the Oscar broadcast the Academy people have to decide which scenes to show as the example of how awesome the actor nominees are.

There's always all this passion on screen, usually part of some key confrontation between the lead and some other character, a cathartic moment with a lot of yelling or crying or emotional reveal. Sometimes I wonder about those scenes and how they came about - what makes a moment on the page that transcends simple dialogue and becomes a thing of beauty.

I've written some pretty good scenes before and I'm really proud of Not Dead Yet, but I don't think there's a scene in there that would pick up and Oscar. I mean, it's about zombies so it's probably not getting an Oscar anyway, but it's such an ensemble piece that there's no real room for one person to go ape shit on dialogue. It was written to be fun, not overly thought-provoking, although it does have its share of deeper meaning.

But tonight as I was thinking about my new project and a particular scene between the two major characters and I started acting it out. I used to do that all the time; I bought a pair of guns at the dollar store once so I could have props to run around the apartment with as I was writing scenes. It's one of the reasons I live alone.

The scene calls for a driver's license and a weapon. I grabbed a big old kitchen knife but that felt wrong. So I grabbed my cane from when my foot was injured and waved it around. And that's when I realized this character had the cane because she was injured earlier in a scene I already wrote. Instantly more interesting.

So I was holding up the cane and my driver's license and yelling at an empty corner of my apartment - you know, the way you do when you're batshit crazy - and I realized this has the potential to be one of those moments. I'm not egotistical enough to suggest that my script will win an Oscar or anything because that would be ridiculous. But I do see where those moments come from. It was there. I was standing there in my living room freaking out the cat and realizing that I know how to write a moment that an actor would kill to play.

Of course the danger here is that I try too hard and end up overdoing it. Nobody likes a preachy monologue. But maybe if I'm swinging around a cane and yelling a lot it will be cooler.

So in theory my script is awesome. We'll see how well I pull that off in reality.

Writer's Salon is a hit

Earlier today I was part of the pilot episode of The Rouge Wave's Writer's Salon.

Three other writers and I brought our laptops and our ideas to an undisclosed location in Los Angeles, where we discussed our stories and got advice from professional script consultants. Julie - The Rouge Wave's actual name - wants to make this a regular thing and I think that's a fantastic idea.

Two of us were working on dramas. Two of us were working on high concept romantic comedies. All of us had strong story ideas but a few stumbling blocks preventing us from carrying our scripts to greatness. All four of us came out of that meeting with a better understanding of where we're headed.

When I arrived, I thought my problem was that my story was too much like Crash and I was spending too much time on the wrong protagonist. It turns out that wasn't my problem at all. My problem was that I had a cool idea and some interesting scenes, but not a lot of energy pushing the story forward. There was no urgency.

So after brainstorming a few suggestions we came up with a great set of changes that suddenly makes my story a whole bunch of times better without destroying the original concept. And now I'm super excited.

Usually I don't get that kind of feedback until I've finished my first draft and hear the criticism from my writers group. This time I got it right up front. That was important. I have a tendency to get to a point in the script where I'm not sure how to proceed so I just stop and toss it. I have a feeling that would have happened her too if I hadn't gotten the advice I did today, and now this story could really be something.

So I have to say the inaugural Writer's Salon was definitely worth the time. One girl drove down from Napa to participate but I think she got enough out of it to justify her trip. I hope she went to Pink's Hot Dogs while she was in town.

Plus there were cupcakes.

Julie plans to turn this into a recurring thing, so keep an eye out for the next installment.