Fifteen things to know about LA

If you are one of the billionty people who have plans to move to LA in the near future, here are some things you should know:*

1) "It's raining" is a perfectly legitimate reason for canceling all plans for the day.
3) Nobody uses their garage as a garage.
4) However long Mapquest tells you it will take you to get somewhere, the real answer is twice that amount.
5) If you need to visit someone in the middle of the day, they're probably home.
6) On Hollywood Boulevard, the tourists are the ones looking at their feet. They are annoying to everyone not looking at their feet.
7) You can buy flowers, oranges, balloons or pretty much anything else in the median of a popular intersection.
8) Be alert for schizophrenics in the middle of the street. Often you can spot them pushing shopping carts full of stuff they found in a dumpster and giving the finger to your honking horn.
9) Don't worry about recycling your soda bottle. A homeless guy will dig it out of the trash can shortly.
10) Stare at the famous person. Tell all your friends to stare at the famous person. Giggle and talk about the famous person. But under no circumstances do you actually talk to the famous person.
11) At 3am on a Sunday, the 405 is still a string of break lights.
12) If you don't drink coffee or eat sushi, either get started or get out.
13) Dress up to go to the mall. If you wear a faded T-shirt and discounted Gap jeans you will feel like a schmuck when you see what everybody else wears.
14) There are only three protected lefts in all of Los Angeles, so you'd better turn left as soon as the light turns red because you will not get an opportunity before or after. Don't sit there and think about it. Do it or I will ram your fucking car through the intersection.
15) Never go to a party without business cards.



*Nobody told me I skipped number 2. So 2) We don't do math without our cell phone calculators.