300 Spartans walk into a mountain pass...

In reality 1,300 Greeks stood up against the Persians. Three hundred of them were Spartans, but there was a whole slew of guys backing them up.

But that's not as exciting as 300 ripply-muscled guys with no shirts on fighting Orcs at the edge of a cliff. And since there are ugly-ass hunchbacks and a king who might be possessed by a Gua'uld and an execution monster with swords for hands I'm not going to quibble about accuracy.

I do want to go live in ancient Persia, though. Aside from the constant whipping that place looks like a fairy tale land of freaky sex parties. I'd insist on riding around on the giant rhino, stabbing people who get in my way with his gold-plated horn.

So that movie was pretty awesome. Dominic West is an asshole, the king of Sparta is apparently a Scott, and Spartan women are pretty much as badass as their husbands. Or at least that one chick was. We didn't really meet any Spartan women who weren't the queen.

Speaking of that, apparently Sparta is cold because there were some very taught nipples on all the ladies in this film. I guess that makes sense since all the Spartan dudes had perfect abs. The girls were dressed to match.

The story is based on a real battle between Xerxes of Persia and warriors of Greece, when 300 Spartan warriors (and the 1,000 other Greeks we're going to pretend were big cowards and ran away, which I'm sure they appreciate as they watch this film down there in Hades) held a last stand against the huge waves of men that surrounded them on both sides. It's a great story and it's pretty well told here, especially with the neat graininess that captures the mystical feel of the story.

The story has its weak points. Melodrama for one. I think I really freaked out the Grove patrons when I came out of the theater narrating our journey to the car in my most manly and boisterous voice in immitation of the storyteller with on eye. I imagined that guy getting dinner from his wife: "Woman! I need a glorious sandwich made with bread and glorious cheeses and perhaps some meat from the cow I butchered most gloriously this glorious morning! Then I shall eat of the glorious flesh and it shall be remembered in all its glory!"

Stuff like that.

But violence - oh, the glorious violence. There was a lot of it. And sex. There wasn't much subtlety in this film. This is a film for manly men - or girls like me who have a lot of aggression. Or people who like violence in general. And Dominic West. I love Dominic West. I've never seen him be an asshole before.

I also think from now on I'll keep a CD player beside me when I teach so that when I give rousing speeches I can have inspiration music play in the background. Because everybody loves a little melodrama.