It's been a while since I shared a scene so I'm going to do that today. I've been working on a chapter of the feature Partner and I have been developing. The entire chapter takes place in the span of an amateur boxing match between two middleweights, Billy and Kyle. I call it "The Corner". Valerie is Billy's girlfriend, Marcus his trainer. James is Kyle's trainer and father and he's been going on an on the entire fight about Kyle's jab to the point where it's gotten ridiculous. This is a scene from the minute rest in between the third and fourth round. Feel free to critique at will.
The BELL Rings.
The fighters retreat to their corners.
BILLY'S CORNER
Valerie with the bottle. Marcus with the towel.
VALERIE
Hey, you actually hit him that round. You should do more of that.
MARCUS
Shut up Val. I swear I will throw you out of here.
BILLY
He really hurt me that time, Marcus. I don't know if I can keep going.
MARCUS
Bruised or broken?
BILLY
Bruised.
MARCUS
Then you can keep going. As long as you ain't broken you can keep on fighting.
VALERIE
Can you still have sex?
MARCUS
Jesus Val.
BILLY
Baby, if I were a corpse rotting in my grave while maggots ate my flesh I would still climb out to ravage that body.
Valerie smiles. She puts her mouth on Billy's for a hot few seconds.
Marcus stares in horror.
KYLE'S CORNER
James is hunched in front of Kyle.
KYLE
For Christ's sake, Dad. He's not completely incompetent, whether you see it or not. He was bound to hit me eventually.
JAMES
You'll never be a great boxer with that attitude.
KYLE
No sir, I suppose I won't.
JAMES
Are you being smart with me?
KYLE
I'd never dream of it, Dad.
JAMES
Kyle, by the time I was your age I'd won nine professional bouts, one by-
KYLE
TKO. Yes sir. I know.
JAMES
And the only way to-
Kyle rises.
KYLE
Jab. Yes, Dad I know. I know about the fucking jab. I know about your fucking nine goddamn fights and your brilliant potential and how you worked as a sparring partner with Pernell Whitaker. If I have to hear one more time about your one bullshit match with Pete fucking Whitaker I will lay you on your ass! And I can, old man. You talk a good game but this weak-ass amateur with the timid jab can still hook you to hell and gone while you're wasting time hopping around. That's why it was only nine fights, Dad. You're so busy jabbing and skipping you forgot to fucking punch.
JAMES
You son of a bitch!
He draws back his fist like he's going to strike but Kyle stares him down.
KYLE
You gonna jab me to death?
James puts down his fist.
The crowd is hushed and listening.
The BELL.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
Love it! Only one comment: when Valerie asks "Can you still have sex?" it feels a bit on the nose. It felt she might have been more crass (not sure if that's even the right word) but maybe something more along the lines of (bad version) "Can you still get it up?". The line is such a great character reveal in it's content that I was yearning for more character revelation in it's delivery.
ReplyDeleteif that makes any sense whatsoever.
Or something like this:
ReplyDelete"As long as you can get it up for later. It makes me so horny watching you fight like a wild animal!"
If you build up the tension of the father and son in the scenes before, then I would say it's okay to have such an outburst by the son.
Thanks for the tips. Up to this point the son has just begrugingly agreed with his father and did what he was told with growing irritation, so I feel like it's built up well.
ReplyDeleteI hope so, anyway.
I like what you guys suggest about Val. I'll get on that right away.
so, no harm done, bunny!
ReplyDelete