The genesis of Delta Farce

Disclaimer: This scene in no way indicates that I find Michael Rosenbaum anything other than very attractive. Settle down, Rosenbaum fans.


FADE IN:

INT. LOWELL'S LIVING ROOM - DAY

Two film executives, LOWELL GILBERT and RANDY JONES, lean back on a couch in a very fine house in the Hollywood Hills. They are both in their late thirties and pass between them a tightly packed joint.

Lowell coughs.

LOWELL
No, no, it's like that movie, you know the one with the guns and the stuff-

RANDY
Delta Farce.

LOWELL
Haha you said Farce. You meant Force.

RANDY
There should be a Delta Farce. That would be fucking awesome, dude!

LOWELL
Oh man, that's an excellent idea. David!

A skinny, 22-year-old dark-skinned boy with floppy black hair shuffles into the room. DAVID.

DAVID
Yes, Mr. Gilbert?

LOWELL
Take some notes, boy. And roll another one.

DAVID
Sure thing, Mr. Gilbert.

DAVID begins to roll a joint with one hand while he opens his notebook with the other. It's not easy.

RANDY
Delta Farce. Haha! It's about time shooting people was funny again.

LOWELL
You know what? Let's really break the mold with this one. Let's get only ugly people to star in it. Ugly people are hilarious. Who's that skinny boy who was in that thing with Jamie Kennedy?

RANDY
Michael Rosenbaum?

LOWELL
Who the hell is that?

RANDY
That Superman kid. The bald one.

LOWELL
No, no, not him. The skinny one. You know, in the movie with the boat and the underwear. It was so funny I peed on myself.

DAVID
Without a Paddle. That was Seth Green, not Jamie Kennedy.

LOWELL
Whatever. Who's the skinny kid?

RANDY
JD Squalls

LOWELL
Yeah, get him! And that fat guy who says "Git 'er done!" Stupid rednecks are always good for a laugh. That Health Inspector movie made me piss myself a little.

RANDY
You should get Depends.

LOWELL
You should shut your mouth.

DAVID
Does this movie have a plot, sir?

LOWELL
Of course! Randy, what's the plot?

RANDY
Okay, these ugly guys go to Iraq-

LOWELL
You can't send them to Iraq! People die there!

RANDY
These ugly guys go to Mexico-

LOWELL
I love it! Mexicans are hilarious! We could get that guy with the big tattoo on his chest. He's Mexican, right? Are there any other Mexican actors?

RANDY
George Lopez.

LOWELL
See if he's available. Oh, and Carlos Mencia. My kids think he's funny. Where's my joint?

David hands over the joint. Lowell lights it up and takes a drag. He coughs.

DAVID
Carlos Mencia is from Honduras.

LOWELL
Like there's a difference.

He passes the joint to Randy.

RANDY
So somebody screws up their paperwork-

LOWELL
Some low level employee. We can't let anybody think we're making fun of the president here. Let's make it a Mexican employee. That would be ironic.

RANDY
Hell yeah. And they all go down to Mexico and think they're fighting Iraquis because they're so stupid-

LOWELL
Rednecks are stupid.

RANDY
And they kill a bunch of Mexicans on accident.

LOWELL
They can't kill anybody. Then people might think we're making some kind of point.

RANDY
Maybe they uncover a drug smuggler and fall in love with some girl named Maria.

LOWELL
She's the drug smuggler's girlfriend or something. I don't know. We'll let the writer figure that out. You getting this, David?

DAVID
Unfortunately, sir.

LOWELL
What?

DAVID
You have a meeting with Tom Cruise in fifteen minutes, Mr. Gilbert.

LOWELL
Shit, send him in. See if he wants to produce this!

DAVID
Yes sir.

FADE OUT