Thoughts on the film: The Hurt Locker

I always liked Kathryn Bigelow. Point Break is of course a classic action film, although most of her other films I never really got into. But it's terrific to see a woman making movies with balls.

The Hurt Locker is without doubt her best film. Of course she owes a lot of that to screenwriter Mark Boal, who created a beautiful little story based on his experience as an embedded reporter in Iraq. This is real life stuff, not the imaginings of someone on the outside, but it's directed by a woman who knows how to blow stuff up with subtext.

I just find it fascinating that she manages to create so much masculinity in her films. There is a scene in The Hurt Locker where these three guys are in a room beating the crap out of each other for fun, which is something only men ever do, and yet it felt completely real.

But some of the best work in this film is right up front. The film opens as three bomb techs attempt to disarm a bomb in the middle of and Iraqi street. The whole scene you just know something's going to explode and someone's going to die and you spend the whole time waiting for it to happen. So from the opening scene you are already tense and concerned for these guys, and you never really lose that.

The opening scene also concludes with a surprising event that makes you realize this is not a normal Hollywood film, which ups the stakes because you just never know who's going to die or whether or not the heroes will save the day.

Technically, this film breaks a lot of rules we're all told never to break. There's a point-of-view shift - in fact, you're not entirely sure who the protagonist is through some parts of this film. The unknown actors get all the big parts. There isn't a set goal other than survival, which is really difficult to use to propel a film. They overcame that problem with the ticking clock - every so often on the screen you will see how many days the boys have left in country, so you're constantly reminded that they just need to live through the day. That's the goal.

Despite this, the film is just plain terrific. Three of us entered the theater. Three of us came out in solid agreement that this was a poignant and entertaining movie. One of my friends even said "Until I saw the credit at the end I would have sworn one hundred percent that a man directed this movie."

I was tense the entire film. Sometimes bombs go off, sometimes they don't. It's a recipe for constant edge-of-your-seat moments. And the characters, oh they are glorious. They are established quickly and clearly with little moments that take seconds but say volumes. I honestly can't think of anything in this movie to complain about.

So Kathryn Bigelow, if by any chance you ever want to direct a zombie action film with some cool explosions in it, you go ahead and you call me. You can be my director any time.

There's one in every class

Wednesday was the first day of school. Right at the beginning of first period, this gang chicka galumphs into my room shouting "FUCK!" at the top of her lungs. Then before the bell rang she left. Then about 15 minutes later she came in, sat down, and talked loudly to the girl beside her.

"Yes?" I said.

"I wasn't talking to you," she said.

"But you were talking."

"Mumble mumble mumble," she said.

"What?"

"Mumble mumble."

"Look, can we just skip past the part where you try to take control and then I have to fight with you and just be cool now?"

"I'm leaving this place anyway so I ain't trippin."

"Okay," I said.

So a little time goes by and then she leaves the room.

"You done?" I asked.

"Yeah I'm done." And then she disappears out the door.

Here's the thing. This girl showed her hand entirely too early. By walking into the room all contrary and immediately trying to assert that she's more powerful than me, she showed exactly what she was looking for. She wants to piss me off. If she can piss me off, she's shown that she has power over me. She bothers me. And if she can do that, she can do anything she wants.

What she should have done was come in, be quiet the first few days, make me like her, then be a bitch. Then she'd upset me. But she was too eager. And now I know that the best way to frustrate her is to keep my cool.

Since this is my first class of the day, I'm intrigued to see what she'll do. If she truly doesn't give a shit, she just won't show up. A week from now she'll cease to be a problem. But if she's all talk and secretly wants to graduate, she'll show up for class and keep trying to piss me off. So I'll just keep calm and respond logically. If she cusses at me, I'll comment on her need to control her rage. If she gets up and walks out, I'll close the door behind her and say, "Anyway, now that she's gone..." and let her friends tell her what I did. Then I'll do the most fun assignment ever in the history of English class.

No matter what she does, I win.

You learn a lot about human behavior working with teenagers. It's a great way to train for writing interesting characters. It also teaches you how to keep your ego in check on a daily basis.

Guys and Girls

This one time in my teenage years I went to see a movie in the theater and right before the previews there was a commercial for Navy Seals. And I was like Oh My God I want to do that. Fucking Navy Seals, man! Holy shit! Yeah! I'm gonna join the Navy Seals!

And then I remembered.

You know what I'm talking about. Come on.

I'm a girl.

It sort of hit me right then. There is something I'm not allowed to do. No matter how hard I work or how much I want it, I could not ever be a Navy Seal.

I don't actually want to be a Navy Seal. As cool as Charlie Sheen looks, that is not the job for me, but that doesn't change the moment of absolute shock to my system I felt when I realized that my lack of penis prevented me from doing something.

It's not anybody's fault, really. This is a man vs nature issue. Demi Moore aside, no woman has ever been a Seal and most likely no woman ever will. It doesn't matter how strong and aggressive and bald we are, we cannot physically handle the cold water. That's it. Capillaries.

Now I'm not a throw-your-bra-in-the-fire-and-stop-shaving feminist, but I do get pretty indignant when I feel like I'm not allowed to do something because I'm a woman. But in screenwriting, it feels like we're so far at the back of the bus we can't even see the driver.

Remember Shannon Faulkner? She made that fuss about getting into VMI and then refused to shave her head. That bitch pissed me the fuck off. "Oh I just want to be equal! Just treat me like everybody else except OMG my hair!"

And then she quit because she was too fat to do the cardio workouts.

Thanks, bitch. Now every sexist asshole who likes to call woman raggy weaklings just got more proof that he's right.

This has made me rethink Diablo Cody. I'm mixed up on that. How many other female screenwriters can you name? Susanna Grant?

Okay now how many female screenwriters can the average person name?

Just one.

Then again, most people can't name a male screenwriter either.

So in a way, Diablo Cody did something awesome for us. She got some attention. She made people remember that somebody writes this shit. But she did it by gaining attention as stripper. And yet, if I have to use my cleavage to get attention at a party, I'll do it in a heartbeat. So am I so much better than her?

I'm conflicted.

Sometimes I wonder if I'm overreacting, but then I think about when I go in for a pitch meeting, is the fact that I'm a girl going to hurt me? If I go in there and start talking about explosions, are the studio execs going to assume that dude with the penis can write better explosions than I can? Is this gonna be the goddamn Navy Seals all over again?

I always thought being a girl was an advantage. It sets me apart, after all. But then that may just be my naive self talking, the one that thinks everybody likes girls who like explosions, the one that doesn't really see a big difference in capability between a guy and a girl.

I dunno. What do you think?

Why I don't do horror

The other day when I was winding down the school year and showing movies a kid asked why I never bring scary movies. I pointed her to Shaun of the Dead and she gave me a disappointed look. "That's not scary," she said.

And okay, she has a point. Besides my undying love for zombies, I really don't enjoy horror movies at all. I'm too empathetic.

I think with horror movies if you have empathy, you enjoy the scares. If you can shut your empathy off, you enjoy the gore. When I watch a gory movie I am entirely too grossed out to enjoy it and it gives me bad dreams. I probably saw Hello Mary Lou: Prom Night Two like 15 years ago, but I still remember this one scene where this girl went to hide in a locker and Mary Lou squeezed the locker until it crushed the girl and flesh colored ooze came out. Despite the completely illogical appearance of the ooze, I still have icky feelings about that scene.

And torture porn REALLY grosses me out. All that Eli Roth stuff, I can't watch it. I'm too busy thinking about how painful it is to enjoy it. I'm not entirely sure what exactly you're supposed to enjoy there. Are you supposed to be scared for the person getting tortured? Because I am the first person to feel for the protagonist, but I'm too grossed out to even be scared.

I do like movies that use suspense instead of gore. I watched Jeepers Creepers the other night for the first time, and although the ending became sort of silly and the story could have used some work, there were moments when I was clutching my pillow yelling "Just drive the goddamn car, you fucking retard! GOOOOOOOOO!" because I was trying to get away from the scary flying man.

And then when they explained what he was I was like oh.

The point is, I can watch a movie that's actually scary. I cannot watch a movie that's disgusting.

The exception is most zombie movies.

Okay, so I still can't really watch Resident Evil because there's a definite gross-out factor there, and because any kind of laser cutting people into bits really disturbs me. My ex made me close my eyes for the first five minutes of Ghost Ship because everybody gets sliced in half with a thing. And Cube can go suck a dick. I have never gotten over that stupid fucking asshole of a movie. And I will never forgive it for the hurt it has caused me. But the point is, with most zombie movies it's the zombies getting the grossest hits and they're not human anymore, and also the blood usually looks really fake.

This one time a friend of mine asked me to read his screenplay and it was basically Hostel, only in his movie somebody slid down a slide of razor blades into a pool of alcohol. Why the fuck would anyone enjoy watching that? I almost retched while reading it. I like my scares without vomit, please.

World Lit

I don't have a real post today because I am busy. Today is the last day of school so I have to clean my room.

Tomorrow is the first day of school, so I have to decorate my room.

Ahhh, year-round school.

I'm doing something cool with my seniors this year. Twelfth grade is World Literature, so I had a student draw a big map of the world for me to put on the wall and around it I put a card with the name of every country in the world. They're arranged by continent. There are 189 of them, but I left the US off because this is world lit. American lit was last year.

It took a long ass time and now I'm tired, but it looks cool. If I wasn't so worn out I'd take a picture. I'm going to have each kid pick a country and do a project one it, culminating in our learning experience when each kid will bring a dish from their chosen country and we will eat the world.

One day I hope to have time to write again.

Oh, Michael Bay. Damn you.

The Beefcake and I jaunted up to The Arclight Saturday night, braving the bazillions of cars and the Transformers display with the gas-guzzling trucks and all the people lined up to give $200 million to Michael Bay, and we confidently stepped up to the ticket counter and ordered our tickets for The Hurt Locker.

And wouldn't you know it? They were sold out.

So we went over to Amoeba and I bought a copy of the first Pirates of the Caribbean movie then we went home and watched a marathon of Lockup on MSNBC.

Scott the Reader had a good point. This movie made a shitton of money. Imagine how much it would have made if it had gotten good reviews.

So the big question is, why does a movie that even its fans admit isn't particularly good make so much money?

How is it that Terminator Salvation, which had every bit the explosion quantity and robot destruction of Transformers, didn't do nearly so well?

I'll tell you how. Fun. After reading the plot and the reviews of Transformers, I can tell the story makes no sense. But where McG was all serious and sad, Michael Bay just really loves to blow shit up. He may not be the world's greatest story teller, but his love of cgi violence is evident with every shot in his films, and I do respect him for that at least. And when people think of Transformers they think of toys and a cartoon, and that makes them think of fun.

What bothers me is how many people think it's completely okay for an action movie to have a shit plot. I talked to a girl the other day who said she rolled her eyes a bit and shook her head at some of the more ridiculous plot points, but since she went in with low expectations she ended up thinking it was okay.

Ooooh what an endorsement. Let's throw another $250 million at Michael Bay and see just how mediocre we can get.

Just because a film has explosions in it, does not mean the story gets to suck. Imagine if Bay insisted on a solid story, how incredible would he be? He had the clout and the financing to elevate action films to a whole new level. He could be a truly great director, one who finally makes people realize that action films can be art films too. Explosions can have subtext.

But why should he? We're willing to give money to a movie we know isn't very good just because it has explosions. Why should he bother making a great film?

I guess I'll talk about it too

I guess everybody's writing about death today.

I'm too young to have really known much about Farah Fawcett, and I wasn't allowed to watch TV when I was a kid so I never saw Charlie's Angels. Charlie's Angels to me is Drew, Lucy and Cameron. But I know enough to know that boys everywhere started their journey through puberty because of her.

And Ed McMahon I'm way too young for. I didn't really watch Johnny Carson because I wasn't allowed to stay up past 9. Actually I did stay up past 9 but it was usually to read. Because I'm a dork. And I wasn't allowed to watch TV. But I appreciate how much Ed McMahon entertained Americans for years. I may have even caught a few episodes of Star Search.

But Michael Jackson, that's the one that blows people away. His influence spans generations. When I came around BAD was the album you had to have and I loved every song on it. I had Dangerous too, when that came out. I don't know what happened with the kids. Only two people know what happened in each case. Kids lie, and adults do some fucked up shit, so there's no way to be sure.

It's weird to invite kids to your place and sleep with them, but when you look at a man who became globally famous at 5 years old, it's not really surprising that he'd be weird. His emotional growth was stunted at 5, so I get why he wants to hand with kids. He probably feels like he can relate to them more than adults. But did he touch them? I don't know. Maybe.

What I do know is he was a genius. I didn't think about this much when I was a kid because he was already a genius by the time I knew who he was. Yesterday I told somebody "Smooth Criminal" was the best video and I was met with shock at omitting "Thriller." Don't get me wrong, "Thriller" is terrific. But it was already out when I learned to pay attention. I wasn't blown away by its newness because it wasn't new. So from a pure story standpoint, I enjoyed "Smooth Criminal" more. But it's pretty amazing the effort the man put into making his videos tell stories through dance.

Regardless of what kind of man is was off stage, you could tell he loved performing, and he was damn good at it. If he didn't touch those kids, it's a tragedy that he spent his last twelve years avoiding the one thing he loved most. If he did touch them, well I guess karma got him.