Question #2

Time for another question. 3BrassBrads asked me this question via Done Deal:

I wondered about your "Nice Girls Don't Kill" script -- I was curious if you ever changed what a few (though, if I am correct not your current agent or manger) wanted you to change or if you got even better notes -- or really just, what happen with this from your blog last year?

"It's frustrating as hell. I worked my ass off on this script and I am completely happy with how it turned out, but even though everybody loves my voice and my pacing and the fun action scenes - they all say the same thing about my character's motivations. And it's something I do not want to change."

Did you change the motivations, and if so do you feel that it changed your original story?


I did not make those changes.


The notes you're talking about didn't actually come from either of my reps; they came from other sources. My Manager gives dynamite notes. I'm not just saying that; dude knows what works, and in this instance he was no different.

Sometimes you get notes that call for you to make huge sweeping changes to your story, and you balk. They just feel wrong. You know there's an issue here, but the solution people have provided you goes against every fiber of your being.

I had that kind of feeling with Nice Girls. I kept getting this note to change the lead to the point where it would have been a completely different story, a story I don't want to tell.

Then I got the RIGHT NOTE. The note that addresses that problem, but in a way you've never thought about before.

So no, I didn't need to change the whole story. I just needed to tweak a few moments here and there, and suddenly it all worked.

So the script is very much alive. I can't say what will happen with it at the moment, but I believe in that script and worked my buns off trying to get it right. And in the end, it's great fun - which is exactly what I wanted it to be.

Sometimes when you get one of those notes that makes you cringe, sit with it for a while, think about it, and figure what the person's problem with the scene REALLY is. The note behind the note. Because often, people know something's wrong, but they have the wrong idea about how to fix it. Your job as a writer is to sift through the advice and figure out what works.

First ten pages at Scriptshadow

Over at Scriptshadow, Carson  has posted links to the first ten pages of each of the top five winners of his recent contest. My pages are from entry number four, Nice Girls Don't Kill. Feel free to download and see what you think. They were all interesting reads, and one script in particular kicked my ass, but I won't elaborate until after Carson posts his own reviews.

I learned quite a bit from reading these pages, particularly how easy it is to do nothing for ten pages when you think your reader is a little slow, and how much better it is when you get to the point as quickly as possible.

Have a read. See what you think.

Making your script stand out

My former manager told me once that she generally gets 10 queries a day. I know reps who get way more than that, and as you can imagine, most of them are terrible. It's not enough to have a good script, you have to let the person reading your query WANT to read that script. She could be reading 30 queries in a row at the end of a very long day - what makes yours jump out at her?

I have a lot of problems when I write, but this has not been one of them for a very long time. I'm good at getting read. Whether I live up to the read - that's a different issue.

I'm not above providing my own examples, so here's the logline for Nice Girls Don't Kill:  

When a meek and universally abused copy editor is mistaken for the professional killer she accidentally bumped off, she decides to take on this violent new identity until the killer turns out to be not so dead, and very pissed off.

This logline has served me very well. I wish they were all this easy to write, by the way. Usually it takes me ages to figure out the right logline, but this one just poured out. When I'm done sending out queries, I'll post my whole thing.

If you've never read this article by Christopher Lockhart on constructing the perfect logline, read it now. He says it better than I ever could.

Mainly, though, I was thinking about concept. Just yesterday a few writing colleagues were discussing the "hook" in your concept. One of the writers was expressing his frustration with figuring out what a hook is.

A hook is the thing that makes your script sound new - like something I'm going to enjoy as a reader.

One of the writers mentioned the Bourne series. There's been a million assassination movies, but here's one about an assassin with amnesia. And there's your hook.

Of course, you may remind everyone about The Long Kiss Goodnight, which had the same premise, except she also had a husband and kid so it was a slightly different hook.

So here's an example of a generic logline you see over and over:


When a former CIA agent is framed for murder, he must find the killer before he's the next one to end up dead.

I made that logline up, but it's based on a multitude of similar loglines I've seen over the years. We've seen this story. It's old news, and it's the same story half the screenwriters in town are telling.

When you see that logline, who do you picture as the protagonist? A white male, right? Maybe 30s, early 40s? In good health? Well educated? Trained in tactics?

Change some of that.

Three Days of the Condor was about a white man in his 30s in good health, educated, all that, except he was not remotely trained in tactics. The guy reads books for a living. There's your hook.

North by Northwest was about a guy who not only wasn't trained in tactics, but he wasn't trained in anything. He was an advertising exec, for heaven's sake.

Enemy of the State was about a black guy who wasn't trained in anything.

La Femme Nikita was about a female street criminal.

What if your protagonist was deaf? Gay? Fifteen? Ninety? An illegal immigrant? A dog?

Suddenly your story changes and bends and starts to develop a hook. What if your story takes place in an unusual location or during a major event? What if your antagonist is deaf or gay or fifteen or ninety?

You can take a generic idea and fiddle around with the details until what was a boring old idea turns into something any reader would like to see.

Nice Girls Don't Kill Queries - round 3

Good lord, it's already Wednesday. What the hell.

I just got done with another query push. I did okay with my last one, but haven't heard back from everyone who's reading the script. I got one mixed response. (Liked it, didn't love it, send me your next one.) I plan to wait a little bit longer before I try any kind of follow-ups. I hate follow-ups, though. They sound so desperate.

Please, sir, have you read my little scripty script? Do you want to tell me how much you like it? PLEEEEEEEEASE!

So much of what we do feels like subtle - or not so subtle - grovelling.

So over the last three days I waded into boutiqueland. I went in alphabetical order through my list of managers. Before I picked only ones I'd heard something about; now I went deep into research mode and found out as much as I could about those little companies that chug along behind the scenes, getting things done quietly.

It takes work to find people who want what you've got. I'm big on fun, but some places push a long list of serious shit. A lot of firms are somewhat polarized - their scripts are all intense thrillers or ridiculous comedies. But then every now and then I found someone with a history of selling scripts like mine - fun and actiony, to the point of quirkiness.

I sent out about 20 queries this week. I got one request right away. Now I twiddle my thumbs and wait some more.

My Query Method

When I'm bored I like to take on a research project and pursue it all over the Internet. Sometimes I'll say I want a rose bush. So I spend all day looking at rose bushes, figuring out what is the best kind for my yard, learning all about them and how to prune them and whatnot. So in one day's time I suddenly went from knowing nothing about roses to knowing all kinds of great things and sounding like someone who knows things. Then the next day I'm on to something else. Lock picking or thai chi or dog training. I like learning, but I have a short attention span.

This is why my students think I know everything, because it's really easy to trick kids into thinking you're an expert on something you read two articles about.

Except calculus. They're well aware of my calculus deficiencies.

Anyhow, I took this energy for short-term research projects and put it toward querying. I go to IMDB pro and look up each company that interests me, scroll through each rep's client list, looking for writers who make material similar to mine. Then I go to Tracking Board and look up those reps, searching for what kind of deals they've made lately. Any who look like they might take a shine to my material I put on my list. I go to Done Deal and search for them to see what kind of reputation they have among other writers. If they pass inspection, I query.

I think it's important not to query the entire town, because why query people you wouldn't want to work with? Having the right manager is more important than having any manager at all, and having the wrong one can actually hurt you. I only query those I'd be happy to work with if they liked my material.

So once I have a rep in mind, I find their email, shoot them the query, and mark the date in my Word file. If they respond positively I highlight their entry in yellow and list the date I sent the script. If they respond negatively I highlight it in red and add a note about exactly why they weren't interested. Most places, of course, don't respond, so I just leave them as they are.

After a few weeks, I follow the process all over again with a new group.

I also add to this list people who've requested my script because they know me through this blog or some other place, along with a note about how they know me and why they were interested.

So far including both groups I have 28 entries on my list, with five yellow entries and two red.

This is the first time I've been so methodical about it. In the past I was sort of random, taking the approach that anybody with an office is good enough, and not really keeping an organized record.

This way I feel a little more proactive. I also feel a lot more confident about my script this week than I did before, and I think one of these people will like what I have to offer. Nice Girls Don't Kill is my point of view, my story the way I want to tell it. It's the perfect showcase of my work, and the draft I have now is as good as I can make it. Of that I'm sure.

So now I wait. And in a few weeks, see who else I can find.

Stupid proofreading

The Nicholl reader line of the day is this:

"This writer opens with . . . character and plot intrigue that hooked me, then followed it up with a different character/plot one two punch that hooked me even more, then put those two characters on a collision course impossible to ignore. This script works on so many levels because this writer understands that no plot works well without characters who clash and learn from each other."

I'm a pretty optimistic person, so I thought hey, that could be my script. It's possible they're already reading mine because I was number 900-something.

I open with my antagonist in a pretty cool scene. Then I go to my protagonist, and then I lead them to each other until they crash. I'm sure I'm not the only one who does this, but still... could be me. I decided to look back over my script to see if they learn from each other at all, and as I read I discovered a bunch of tiny mistakes I didn't notice last time I did my check for errors. That time I was looking specifically for spelling and grammar, but this time I wasn't looking for anything, just reading. Maybe next time I should just do one last minute read of the script for shits and giggles with no agenda and I'll see things I wouldn't otherwise.

I noticed places where I had changed things and forgot to adjust a line of dialogue. Like originally an old lady died in an apartment so a character says "Who's the old lady?" except later I decided to let her live and took her out of the apartment. Now that character's line makes no sense. There are half a dozen little lines like this all over the script.

These aren't things that will get my script thrown out, and none of my readers have mentioned them so they must not be a huge deal, but I'm still kicking myself. One thing I learned as a copy editor back in college, it doesn't matter how many times you read something, you'll never catch every single mistake. Still, you want to catch as many as possible before someone else does.

Nice Girls Don't Kill Queries - round 2

I made a few changes to my script after the mini melt down I had yesterday. Not a major rewrite, but a line of dialogue here and an action there - enough to add a whole page to the script. I hope that settles the issue, but I don't know. I'm getting another opinion.

I also discovered I forgot to change my title page back after the Nicholl submission, so everyone I've sent the script to has a version with no name on it. Hope they remember who I am.

That also burned through all my connections. Every person I know who could have put this script in good hands has passed on it mostly because of the issue I described yesterday.

And unfortunately I did all my changes after I sent it away to everyone who requested it, so I hope they don't have the same problem, and I hope to get more requests.

Speaking of requests, I clearly have a decent query letter. All in all I sent out 22 queries, and I got four requests - all managers so far. So despite my angst of yesterday, the concept is NOT fundamentally flawed. My logline works. Two of the requests were sent half an hour after I emailed the query.

I'll share the query after I no longer need it, but I play up my voice because I know that's my strength.

I will most likely figure out what kind of changes I want to make, then wait a couple of weeks, then ask somebody else. And we persevere.

Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck

I have a dilemma.

I finished Nice Girls Don't Kill and started the whole sending it around town and querying process, but something keeps getting to me. Three of the people who've read the script I considered finished have come back with notes. Moreover, it's been the same note.

Early in the script my protagonist makes an unusual choice. I completely understand her choice, and it's important to me that it is, in fact, a choice and not a necessity. But three people have all said they don't understand why she makes that choice, and suggest she instead end up on the run from people chasing her, so she HAS to do what she does.

Two things. That would involve ANOTHER page one rewrite (#4 if you're counting) of the script. And it would fundamentally change the story itself into something I don't want it to be. I feel like it would make my script into a generic action film, because I feel like the fact that my protagonist makes this choice is one of the things that separates it from other stories.

I even have dialogue that specifically says why my character makes her choice, but obviously the dialogue is not enough.

If three people give you the same note, you have to acknowledge that it's not something you can ignore.

I have a choice. Do nothing and hope the right person reads it - seems unlikely.  I could do another page one rewrite and turn it into the script everyone else wants to see. I could try to find the note behind the note and make her motivations clearer.

I have a feeling that no matter what I do I'll still get the same note, because I already thought I addressed it with each other previous rewrites to no avail.

It may be that I have a fundamentally flawed concept.

It's frustrating as hell. I worked my ass off on this script and I am completely happy with how it turned out, but even though everybody loves my voice and my pacing and the fun action scenes - they all say the same thing about my character's motivations. And it's something I do not want to change.

For now I've taken the note-behind-the-note approach and added a few bits here and there to make her decision a little clearer, and I'm still thinking of possible tweaks her actions that will give her more tangible reasoning, but I'm still afraid it won't work any better than what I've already done.

Frustration.

Nice Girls Don't Kill Queries - round 1

Spring Break starts in a few hours and I am already there. I told the kids not to ask me any questions today because I'm too tired to answer.

While I wait for Nice Girls Don't Kill to work its way slowly up the small chain of connected people I know, I'm querying. I'm very picky with my queries and am thoroughly researching each name on my list. I'm only sending the script to people I'd like to work with, people who have both a positive personal reputation and a track record of producing results.

The fact that I was once repped is irrelevant.

Over the past two weeks I have emailed 19 reps. I don't like this number because I hate prime numbers, but I can't find a 20th person I like. I queried both the big guys and a few boutiques. Not WME though because that's just pointless.

So far I have been rejected flat out at Paradigm because they don't even read unsolicited material so don't waste your time.

About 15 minutes after I sent the email, I got a request from someone who recognized my name from brief and distant online encounters. That name recognition thing really matters. He didn't read my script, though. He sent it to an assistant, so we'll see if assistant sends it up the line.

Nothing yet from anybody else, but I didn't expect to hear back so soon anyway.

I will update my progress as results come in.

Nice Girls is on its way

After rewrite after rewrite, it was good to finally get a handful of micro notes last night.

A friend who helped brainstorm my latest script in its original form read the best version yesterday, then we hopped on chat so he could give me notes. I love doing notes via chat. He can ask questions, I can ask questions, and I can have the script open at the same time and fix the issues as he tells me about them. It's my favorite way to do notes. It only works if you're on minor fixes, though. Not so much when there's major story problems.

But I finished it, submitted to Nicholl and sent it to a couple of people who know people.

So now it's out in the world, making a name for itself. And I get to start thinking about the next thing.

The opening scene to Nice Girls

Yesterday Jabberwocky, who is apparently not named for my favorite poem, requested that I post the opening pages to Nice Girls Don't Kill. Never one to deny such a request, I have posted them.

I DO NOT WANT NOTES. Like AT ALL. At this point the script is completed and being read around town, and I've already worked this scene a number of times. In fact, if you're on Done Deal you can find the thread where I workshopped this scene. Anyway, here's the final product:

FADE IN:

EXT. PUBLIC LIBRARY - RAINY DAY

It might as well be night, as evil as that sky is. The rain is POURING hard on the pavement in front of the library. Only one car in the parking lot.

A Jeep Cherokee pulls up.

INT. PUBLIC LIBRARY - RAINY DAY

Budget cuts have hit this place hard, but there's still a bank of five-year-old computers near the entrance.

YANCY, fifties, graying, well-worn bifocals, hums as he fiddles with a few cables at the back of one of the machines. Only one light is on in the empty room.

A fist BANGS on the door.

Yancy pops up. He can barely make out a small figure in the rain.

He motions to the sign posting the hours of operation.

The fist bangs again.

He stands up and walks to the door. He points to the sign.

The figure, now clearly identifiable as a GIRL wearing a backpack, makes a motion of pleading. She's drenched.

Yancy opens the door a crack.

YANCY

I'm sorry, the library is closed on Mondays.

GIRL

(Southern accent)

Please! Honey, can I just use the phone? Mine died, and my car...

He nods, waves her inside.

She shuffles inside where we get a good look at her.

LANA. A young 30 something, wet hair clinging to her face. Absurdly hot. You want to ask her out, but you're afraid she'll eat your head after she fucks you.

Yancy hands her his cell phone.

YANCY

Here. If you-

Her phone rings. Warrant's "Cherry Pie." She ignores it.

She shoves his phone in her pocket.

LANA

This place is so quiet. I like it. Y'all still got that Dewey system?

YANCY

Listen, miss, I don't have time to-

LANA

Oh I apologize, Yancy. How rude of me. I'm Lana.

She waves, bright smile.

He begins to hyperventillate.

LANA

You got that Child Called It? I heard that's a good book.

YANCY

I didn't do it. Whatever it is, I swear. I'm not the one.

LANA

Joe thinks you got his money.

YANCY

I don't! Oh God, that's not me! I told Carl!

He falls on the floor, grabs her leg and pleads. Lana tries to shake him off. This is uncomfortable.

YANCY

Call Carl! Why would I tell him about missing money if I'm the one who stole it?

LANA

Please get off me, honey.

He clings even tighter.

YANCY

Call Carl! Please!

She tries to shake him loose, to no avail.

LANA

GET OFF!

YANCY

PLEASE!

She sighs, pulls a gun out and shoots him in the foot. He screams and lets go to nurse his injury.

LANA

Listen, honey. I'm a nice girl. I don't do that whole bamboo under the fingernail shit, but if you paw at me again I will shoot off your shriveled old Willy, put a knife in your gut and leave you to bleed to death. Are we clear?

He nods, weeping over his foot.

YANCY

Ask Carl. I told Carl.

LANA

You tell anybody else?

YANCY

I don't know... um.... I don't know!

Lana shoots him in the shin. He shouts. Her phone starts to ring again. "Cherry Pie."

YANCY

NO! Only Carl! I don't have the money I swear!

LANA

I know, honey.

She shoots him in the head. Picks up the still ringing phone.

LANA

(into the phone)

Elliot how many fucking times have I told you not to call until the job's done?

She wipes Yancy's phone of fingerprints, tosses it on his body.

LANA

No, I didn't find the money. Idiot died first.

She searches his wallet. Pulls out a twenty.

LANA

I know. You think you know somebody, then they steal your shit. You gonna have my payday in the right box this time?

(beat)

Don't get all huffy, honey, it's not my fault you're such a goddamn fuck-up.

She hangs up.

She dials a saved number.

LANA

(into the phone)

He's dead. You're in the clear.

She throws the phone down.

She looks at the body.

LANA

Let's rock and roll, honey.

She reaches into her backpack and pulls out a bottle of bleach.

She starts pouring it over the body.

LANA

(to the tune of "Cherry Pie")

She's my Cherry Pie. Motherfucker's dying and he don't know why.

Fourth draft, here we go

Damn macro notes.

I've been thinking for the past week or so about how my protagonist doesn't have a clear goal. I wrote what is essentially a character-driven plot, an exploration of what it means to release the demon inside you and rope it back before it goes too far.

The problem is, this is an action script. Action scripts aren't delightful character pieces. They are strongly structured plot-driven films. I know this, but I sort of hoped the awesome bits in my script would hide all that.

And last night, surprise surprise, the writers group noticed. That's why I love these guys - they do not let you get away with shit. I wailed, I threw things, I called them all assholes.

I was partly joking. At one point last night I shoved my notebook across the table and swore I would set the script on fire.

Then I went home and started thinking of how to fix this situation, and lo and behold, I saw a way to fix it thanks to a suggestion made by one of the guys.

This means a lot of work, but I didn't start on this journey to give up. As we say in group, "The difficulty level of this script is high." This is the kind of script that takes a lot of work to put together, but if I do it will be a perfect showcase of my abilities.

That's what this spec business is, I think. Taking the bits and pieces that don't work and finding a way to twist and turn and slide around the puzzle pieces until you have something great.

And I won't settle for less than great - not on this one. This script is my calling card, and by God I will make it so incredible that anyone who reads it will be dying to pass it on.

So today starts the next round of rewrites. And at the next meeting, if I get another macro note, I'll wail and cuss and throw things. And then I'll get back to work.

Writers Group

I've asked a friend of mine who's a corporate attorney in NY to weigh in on the PJ situation, but she didn't get a chance to look over the case yet so that will have to wait until tomorrow.

Today I'll talk about writers groups.

I've been in writers groups before. Once I was in a group with a guy who thought it would be a good idea for him to start a contest where he didn't have to do much work or offer a good prize but could use it to make lots of money. Everyone in the group nodded as if this was a brilliant idea and dismissed my concern about how maybe it's just a tad dishonest and scammy. That was my last meeting with that group.

In one group, a girl who'd made one independent feature - a film she financed and paid to screen - decided to form her own consulting firm charging lots of money to help people work on their craft. Thing is, this girl only skimmed scripts. She'd ask questions that were answered clearly in the script, and gave some of the worst notes I've ever heard. And in the year I worked with this group, she never brought a single script to us to read. All she ever did was talk about how she was going to make her career happen, but since she'd made a movie once the other members of the group seemed to think she was the shit. I waited too long to leave that group.

I remember one time I gave another girl a note about her character introductions - a suggestion about how to make them more interesting - and she turned to another member of the group and specifically asked him if that note was a good one or if she should ignore it.

That's not to say that every member of every writers group I've known is an idiot. Some of the people I've worked with were knowledgeable and gave pretty good notes, but in order to get to their notes I had to sit through some serious bullshit.

One time a guy's only note was "This script is just terrible. I don't know what you want me to say." So that was helpful. I think sometimes people use writers groups as a way to enhance their own egos.

Since then, I've just rotated between a few friends for notes, but the process can take a while. Still, better than getting crappy notes fast.

So it was with great trepidation that I decided to join another one. Two weeks ago I met with a few people over in Wilshire and we discussed a romantic comedy, and it was minutes before I knew I was in the right place. These people knew their shit. We didn't waste time talking about how we were going to sell ourselves or gouge screenwriters out of cash or tear each other down. We got right into it, how do we make this script better? Everybody read the script, everybody had useful notes, and when it was obvious that one note went the wrong way we all tried to figure out together how else to approach the problem.

Before I met these people I was slowly eeking out pages, but once I realized I needed to produce something for the next meeting I busted my ass to get it done. I finished the first draft of Nice Girls Don't Kill last night and sent it around to the group. Eighty-one pages is normal for me with a first draft. Usually I get a lot of notes on scenes I need to add.

I'm jazzed about the notes I'm going to get because I know they will be delivered with respect and thought. It's been a while since I trusted a group of people to give notes. I'm glad I decided to give it a shot.

Of course, I say that now. Let's see how I feel after they've shredded my latest comic masterpiece.

Making a scene stronger

Today the kids were all working on group projects or taking a state-mandated standardized test so I was just sitting at my desk all day. At one point I popped open Movie Magic and cranked out three pages, so I finally made it to page 50.

As I wrote I made sort of a mental note of my process and I thought it was kind of interesting.

Years ago while I was working on Not Dead Yet I had a scene where my protagonist dispatched a bunch of zombies in a totally badass way. Someone read it and gave me a note that changed the way I write. Instead of having her be a badass who defeats all her enemies, why not back her into a corner and make us fear for her life?

From that point on, I constantly run through my options when I write a scene, always thinking about the way I can put my character in the most danger and up against the most conflict.

So today's scene revolved around a woman who breaks out of her hospital room by knocking out the cop guarding her. She takes his shirt. She ends up outside in the parking lot, kidnapping a guy and stealing his car. While she's in the parking lot she talks to her kidnapping victim for a minute to get some needed information before she can leave - nevermind why. That's the set up.

As she stands there, a security guard making his rounds sees her from a distance so she hurries her kidnap victim into his car before the guard starts to wonder why she's there.

Then I thought, if it's a security guard, why not make it a guard who knows who she is when he spots her? Then I decided to make the guard hustle, so she grabs the kidnapping victim and shoves him in the car.

Then I thought, if it's a security guard who's after her, why not make it the cop she knocked out upstairs? That means he woke up, realized she stole his shirt and is pretty pissed off. We have a shirtless cop hauling ass through the parking lot to get this bitch.

Now it's personal. She hates this cop. She wants to kill him. She's not running away. Much better than a security guard out on his rounds casually spotting her in the distance.

I ran through all of this in probably less than a minute, constantly figuring out how I can up the stakes of the scene until I had a configuration that works. I do this with just about every scene, and every time I do it I get a little bit better and faster.