All moved in

We put the TV on the curb. Five hours later we came back to clean and it was gone, so I hope someone will love it now.

Budget gave us the wrong truck so we had to make two trips - one to my apartment and one to the Beefcake's - but we got it all done, and I got to scream at the Budget clerk while The Beefcake intimidated. We make an excellent team: Blind Rage and Mr. Scarypants.

I was packing or unpacking or cleaning from 7 am to 3 am. By the time I got back to my apartment to clean I decided the security deposit can go fuck itself. I threw some shit away, swept and walked out.

I think the moment I realized I owned my own house was when I got really cold after my lukewarm shower and decided to turn the heat on, then figured we can probably fix the shower temperature on our own. Because it's our house. I enjoyed eating Carl's Jr on the floor and then figuring out how the hell I'm going to fill up all these kitchen cabinets.

The new TV doesn't work, the internet doesn't work - Sorry, neighbor I'm hijacking. Thanks for not putting up a firewall - and the refrigerator has a piece sticking up that scrapes against the top and is going to drive me batty. I also observed that even though we already have ATT internet, there is only one phone jack in the house and it in the dining room. I guess we're switching to cable.

So I'm spending the first day in my new house mostly on the phone. I wish you could program your own hold music.

I guess I should at some point plan for work tomorrow. I haven't been there in a week.

Preparing to move

I'm not surprised to see The Road bombing this weekend, but I'm sad to see it. We did our part. Even though I already saw it, The Beefcake and I went over to the Grove to watch it on Thanksgiving. We were originally planning to see John Woo's newest, Red Cliff, but that long a time with subtitles started to sound kind of annoying. We'll Netflix it so we can go the bathroom and get snacks.

First of all, who's the idiot who brought their 3-year-old to see The Road? You should be beaten. Of course he cried all the way through the movie. I'd cry all the way through that movie too if I was three. Fantastic Mr. Fox and as much as I hate to say it Old Dogs were both playing right next door and at the same time.

We're officially moving on Monday, but since I thought I was moving much earlier, I had the satellite cut off Wednesday. Did you know that without a subscription, you can still get Style Network, VS and every channel that sells something. Plus Pay Per View. So we can't get Comedy Central, but we can get Lady Lickers 9.

Last night we were excited to see Bloodsport, but most of the time all that's on is Supernanny. That lady is a genius. I know a couple of people who could use her help.

And did you know that the host of Clean House is one of the officers on Reno 911? I learned this because I was forced to watch Style all day. Clean House is like A&E's Hoarders but with a sassy black lady, a southern bimbo and a gay stylist in place of a therapist and a depressing soundtrack.

I am not a hoarder, but I have a lot of stuff. I have no problem throwing away stuff and I took six bags to Goodwill, but there just seems to be more, you know? I look around and think I'm almost done, and then three hours later it looks like I just started. How does that happen? Where does all the stuff hide while you're living your life? And why do I only have one walkie-talkie?

Anybody want this awesome 26" cabinet TV? I think it's the last one RCA ever made.

Sigh

In any other state in the union we would have gotten the keys to our property last night when we signed the thirty thousand pieces of paper to buy the house. Apparently there is a law in California that says you cannot fund your loan and take possession of your property on the same day. Guess when our loan funds? Today. It's a long weekend. Guess when we can get in our house? Monday. As an added bonus, we get to pay $200 for the privilege of not moving in.

Four day weekend, wasted. Instead we both have to take off work Monday and move everything in one day. Fun times. I'm trying to be positive because I just bought a house in a time when people don't have jobs, but I just feel kind of stressed out right now.

Since my tv is set to cut off today and I've already packed the DVD player and I pretty much already packed everything else, that gives me four days to clean, grade papers and work on my screenplay. And since everybody else left town, it should be pretty quiet around here. Maybe now is the time when I will have some genius inspiration that will set my career on fire.

Still, right now I'd rather be unpacking boxes in my new house.

Why we are not moving today

I'm in the middle of what one would call a clusterfuck.

We rushed like crazy to get our paperwork done for the house so we could close before Thanksgiving. I mean we busted our asses as did our agent and our mortgage broker, and got everything in under the deadline.

Then someone at the title company decided to pick our file at random to audit.

We were supposed to move in Saturday. Then today. Now, best case scenario, the sellers agree to let us have access to the house starting Wednesday. Worst case scenario, we get in the house Monday, which is November 30 and the last day I can be in my apartment, but we still have to wait until whatever time the bank officially does their loan thing. Except we still get to pay interest on the four days we can't get in the house.

I would like to personally thank Bank of America, who kept us waiting an hour and a half the other day to do something that in the end took them 10 minutes to do, and by the time it was finished we had passed a deadline we needed to close Friday. Thank you, guy who told us he'd be right back then went to get lunch. I needed this added stress so that you could get your Koo Koo Roo ten minutes earlier.

Excuse me while I scream.

My office

I've got some ideas on how to edit my script, but I won't be touching it for a few weeks. I usually take a break because sometimes distance can give you excellent perspective. Once you've been away from a script for a while you can look at it and say "Jesus what was I thinking?" as you read what you once thought were brilliant exchanges of dialogue.

I'm not going back to my screenplay until I'm doing it in my office. It's a tiny room - a complete square that barely qualifies as more than a closet right between the master bedroom and the guest bedroom and with a lovely view of my neighbor's driveway. But it's my room.

For the past three years I have written screenplays on my laptop in my lap on my couch. I have a desk in my bedroom, but the bed is so close that I can't put a chair in front of the desk so I have to work hunched over and leaning from the bed or standing up. So I worked on the couch. It's not exactly the most ergonomic way to work.

So I'm excited. I get a room where I can put my desk and a chair and my bulletin board of ideas and my inspiration movie posters. Well, poster. I plan to buy another one now that I have a place to put it. I'm thinking Zombieland. It will be easy to get inspired when the poster next to your head tells you to "nut up or shut up."

And I have to paint. I'm thinking a dark blue gray because I like to be at ease when I work and I already have two shirts that color so I can match my walls, and who doesn't want to match their walls?

Know what the best part is? I can shut the door.

Home inspection day haiku

Every time they screw up
your local Bank of America
will need 30 more dollars.

That beautiful tree,
so shady in your new yard
grew roots in your sewer line.

Every inch of kitchen
reveals a fancy surprise
how do I use this faucet?

Sitting on the floor
hands on the hardwood.
The bed will go here.

Almost home

Sooo we got a house. An awesome house. A worth the wait house with 1630 square feet and a brilliant open kitchen and a separate office space where I can hide away and write. I'm glad we didn't get all those other houses we thought we wanted because this one is so much better than all the others. I'll have no regrets.

It's all very exciting and there's thirty thousand pounds of paperwork.

I just spent 45 minutes dealing with what can only be termed as a clusterfuck of banking, where nobody would let me cash a $9,000 check so I could wire transfer our money into escrow. Protip: if you work in a job where you can't use your cell phone, please give the bank your work number so that your girlfriend can cash your escrow check.

I have nothing to say about screenwriting today because I am drowning in paperwork and I have now spoken to every home owners insurance agent in Los Angeles who somehow sniffed that I was looking for a policy.

I have one day left of vacation and I will spend it following around home inspectors, and that's just fine with me.

I would like to see Montana

The Beefcake and I may or may not be traveling to Montana today. We were supposed to leave Sunday but we wanted to make an offer on a house and at the time had not decided which house. We were debating two.

Then Sunday morning we decided on one - we went with logic over emotion so yay us and our low mortgage payment! - and called our agent. And then she called the seller's agent. And we're still waiting.

In the meantime I looked up the house's current owner and learned that he lost his wife, his kids and his job and is living on a mattress on the floor of the house with no other furniture in the entire dwelling and nothing but Bud Light in the fridge and a BB gun in the backyard. Why is he living like this, you may ask? Because two years ago he beat the shit out of his wife.

So our house comes with a very exciting white trash history. Fortunately there are no fist size holes in the drywall.

The point is, I may not have Internet for the next few days. It's Montana, so we may be communicating with empty bean cans and a string.

Actually part of me wants to leave the computer behind, but you never know when the peace and quiet of middle-of-nowhere living will inspire some scenes. Plus I want to be able to check email in case we need to sign and fax some documents to our agent.

And that's why I may disappear for a few days. If I'm not back by Sunday, call the cops because a bear ate me.

I love a good challenge

Tomorrow at 5pm Creative Screenwriting will send out the prompt for this year's CS Open. It's too late to register if you haven't already, but if you have, they give you from 5pm Friday to 9am Monday. All times are Pacific.

This is great. I love challenges. I just don't love the extra challenge I have created for myself.

Beefcake and I were supposed to go house hunting tomorrow. There is one house in particular that - unless we see something horribly wrong with it - I already know I want. Since the prompt doesn't come in until 5 I figured this would be okay. We'd spend the afternoon looking at houses, then I could get the prompt and spend the night thinking about it, then have two days to write.

Then the Beefcake got vacation approved and suggested we drive to Montana to visit relatives. I've never been to Montana. I'm down. But we'd have to leave Sunday and we may not have Internet there. We may not have indoor plumbing there. I'm bracing myself for a middle-of-nowhere type experience unlike any I have known before.

Anyhow, that leaves me Friday night to plan my scene and Saturday to write it. Saturday mornings I join the Beefcake at his park workout and Saturday night we have an event to attend, so I've got about 6 hours to write the scene.

Except a few minutes ago my realtor texted that something came up and can we move the house hunt to Saturday?

Of all the fucking weekends.

Anyway, I'll have about 3 hours total to actually sit down and write my scene.

Of course, if we decide to make an offer on a house we may have to wait until Monday to leave for Montana, so that might end up buying me some time. But as of right now, while everybody else gets a weekend I've given myself hours.

Fuck it. Mama needs a new pair of window treatments.

Let's do this.

HGTV is no long boring to me

So I'm on vacation and so far I've watched too much HGTV. When did I get so boring? I remember a few years ago thinking HGTV was the most boring channel on television but now I'm completely obsessed with it.

I saw this one episode of House Hunters from 2007 where this guy bought a new condo with 100% financing and two mortgages for his first place. I wonder how fucked he is right now.

Then I watch a show about remodeling and I'm all oooooh! Look at that flooring!

When I was a kid my birth father used to watch This Old House and take me along with him and my first stepmother when they toured the Parade of Homes. I thought I might leap to my death from the roof of one of those fancy houses just to get away from the torture. I never understood how the fuck they could be interested in this shit. And now - now I think that sounds fun. Eight-year-old me looks at Now me and says "What the fuck have you become?" Eight-year-old me had a foul fucking mouth.

Anyway, it's intriguing to me that I find these things so much more watchable now that I'm looking for a house. And at a party last weekend while others were playing cards I was standing in a remodeled kitchen, asking the host about his Caesar Stone countertops.

When I did I get so boring? What happened?

Patience

Well we bid on a house today. Now we wait.

I was just thinking yesterday, buying a short sale is like being an aspiring screenwriter. You spend a shitload of time doing paperwork and when you submit it for approval, which you may never even get, they will most likely tell you to come back with something better. And they might just tell you that you're no good.

We send those queries off and wait. Then, if we're lucky, somebody asks you for your script. Then we wait. And wait. And maybe three months later somebody might tell you very politely to fuck off. It's good training for other tasks that require patience.

I really don't know how I'm going to make it through the next couple of months without going nuts. If there weren't 4 other couples interested in this house I probably wouldn't be so impatient, but we could end up waiting all this time and then find that somebody else got the house.

I'm about to embark on an 8 week vacation, during which I would like to pack and move. That's probably not going to happen, so instead I'll have to keep myself busy by finishing my screenplay.

Stuff and plans

I wish I could say all the research I've been doing for the past two days could be applied to screenwriting, but I'm just not sure the world is ready for a film about short sales.

We're putting our first offer out on Monday. It's a long shot, but you never know.

In the meantime, to take my mind off the fact that it's going to be like 90 days until we're rejected, I'm gonna go see District 9 tomorrow. Who's go two thumbs and is excited about going to see a movie? This guy.

I also am curious to see The Goods, but that's a Netflix movie. I am not really that interested in seeing The Time Traveler's Wife. That will probably be an I'm Bored At Work So Let Me See What's On Instant Viewing Movie.

Now I must compile documents. So many documents. And also I might or might not be making plans to beat up some other couples who have larger downpayments and take their money. That's my house, punks. My house.