A Couple of Letters

Dear everybody, but mostly journalists and politicians,

Stop saying "unprecedented." Stop it. That shit you keep saying is unprecedented is completely precedented. This is not an unprecedented economic downturn because we had a fucking Depression way back when.

Sincerely,

Very Much Annoyed




Dear Me from Five Years Ago,

Hey there. Your script sucks. Don't cry; it's totally okay that it sucks. And I hate to break it you, kid, but all the scripts you wrote suck. Except maybe that LOST spec - that's not too bad, but unfortunately they're about to kill off Shannon so your script is kind of useless. You don't want to do TV anyway.

Know that guy who works at that really high profile management firm? Don't send him that thing about the henchman who cuts off that other guy's thumb. What the fuck is it with you and cutting people's limbs off, anyway? But while we're at it, that decision to cut his thumb off was spontaneous and brought about by the way you let your passion guide you while you were writing. Do more of that. Your best scenes will come out of spur-of-the-moment decisions where characters go to the extreme with their emotions. And don't send him that piece of shit about those kids who travel all over LA with their teacher. It's stupid and has no redeeming qualities. Just burn it.

Instead, keep writing. Email that guy every now and then. Invite him to parties. Then, in four years, you'll have a pretty good zombie script you can give him and you won't have fucked up your best opportunity.

Later this year you'll be at a big old party for Jamie Kennedy movie. You'll meet some celebrities. One of those celebrities will introduce you to his agent. Later, the agent will come up and try to talk to you because he thinks you're hot. And asshole you will later come to loathe will call you at that exact moment. DO NOT ANSWER THE GODDAMN PHONE or the agent will walk away forever.

Actually, you may just want to not deal with that asshole at all. He's a detour in your life that you don't need. He'll be a small man with the world's biggest ego to disguise his incredible insecurity.

The point here is, don't blow your opportunities. Don't be afraid to meet people and keep up relationships with them. People like to help others succeed in this town and you've got what it takes. Don't ever doubt that. Just know that it will take a lot more time than you want it to, so you might as well earn some salary points and go for that raise at work.

Sincerely,

You From the Future