Tuesday, October 23, 2007

Blond girl seeks Jensen Ackles lookalike to vacuum my apartment naked


Ex-Fiance and I had a Sunday ritual, back when we weren't boring the crap out of each other, of going to a bagel place for lunch and grabbing the local indie paper to peruse the personal ads while we ate. We especially liked "variations," the section dedicated to finding people into the kinkiest shit you can do with your body. We often discussed what kind of people they must be in real life.

These days I like to read the personal ads on Craigslist. When you think about it, it's an interesting test in writing ability. You have to come up with a title that will make someone click on your posting over literally hundreds of others each day. Then you have to write a convincing list of reasons why a girl in a city filled with beautiful people would want to meet you in a dark coffee shop or your seedy apartment for a conversation or an all-night S&M fest, depending on what you're into.

Here's a tip, fellas. Stop writing your ads in all caps. And stop talking about how much you suck. Also stop talking about how much women suck.

I love how you'll read one ad where a sad, lonely guy just wants to talk, then a massive 38-year-old white boy seeks a tiny Asian girl to marry him and love him forever while also giving him massages and cooking his meals in exchange for paying her bills, then a tattooed "former model" describes all the nasty names he'd like to call you while he holds you down by the neck and violates you in the rear with a vibrator imprinted with a skull and crossbones.

I saw one posting that simply said this: "It works! Craigslist got me laid!"

Good for you, buddy. Good for you.

I can't wait to see what kind of weirdos Google will bring me tomorrow. Go away, this is not a porn site you freaks.

Anyway, I went over to the girls' side, curious to see what kinds of things girls write in a city where they could easily get laid by putting on a halter top and walking up and down Hollywood in front of Geisha House at midnight on a Saturday.

That's when I came upon the 18-year-old who's "sick of the games" and just wants to settle down and get married and can't find a man who wants the same. Oh, honey, not only is that just a bad idea in general, but do you really think Craigslist is the place to seek your future teen suburban dad?

Can you imagine having to explain to your kids that you met on a site that often connects prostitutes with their clients and beat-up sofas with the college students who will further stain them with beer?

Admittedly, though, not all of these guys sound so horrible. I'd probably send one or two of them a picture if they didn't live so far away. If God had meant for us to be together, Fun Outgoing Guy Looking For His Partner In Crime, he wouldn't have let you move to the fucking Valley.

6 comments:

  1. Anonymous11:00 PM

    Having met my wife via the online personals (it was yahoo, but it could have been any of them), I have to say it tends to work if you keep your Hemingway device connected. We talked on line (a lot), then via the phone (even more), and then we met in person. Within a month we (from our initial online encounters) we were engaged, and in six months we were married in a garden wedding with forty of our closest friends present.

    We just celebrated our seventh anniversary...

    But, we just got lucky I guess. Both of us could tell you stories about some of the...ummmmm...odd people we "met" prior to getting together...Gotta tell you though, having a working Hemingway device sure does help with screening the weirdos and I recommend using it always.

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  2. Well what do you know. Congrats on the happiness!

    Now, what is a Hemingway Device? Does it involve bullfighting? It sounds like I need one.

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  3. Yeah - I want to know what the heck a Hemingway device is as well... I may need one, soon.

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  4. Anonymous8:20 AM

    Ahhhhh...you forget poor Ernie's advice to writers to have their own "built in bullshit detector."

    Even though Hemingway was a macho ego-maniac, it's still good advice.

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  5. Emily, you said:

    "You have to come up with a title that will make someone click on your posting over literally hundreds of others each day."

    On my computer it looked more like, "someone dick on your posting" and then I cut and paste it here and it turns out that the word is indeed, "click."

    Nevermind.

    Unk

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  6. Hee, great post. And it made me giggle and recall the Ugly Betty scene last night where she typed how she likes 'blowing' instead of 'bowling' when answering an Internet ad.

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