Tuesday, October 30, 2007

Oh, the Tom Cruisanity!

I don't remember last year's Halloween very much on account of the Jello shots, but this year I stayed aware of my surroundings enough to not puke all over Venice. Jello shots were continually handed to me but I put them in my pocket and handed them to others, and just stuck to my Solo cup of red wine.

Many people balked at my cup of wine and were convinced I'd be a mess by the end of the night. Dusty the punk rocker who was so skinny his pants were falling off told me he'd look like Brad Pitt by the end of the night if I drank the whole cup. I told him I couldn't wait.

What people didn't seem to realize is that I can take out a whole bottle on my own and still be completely aware of my surroundings.

I was a boxer, as you can see. And yes I realize I keep my hands too low. I pay Trainer to tell me that so you lay the hell off. Also, this picture is post-party so keep that in mind as you examine the frizzy hair and odd chin behavior.

The Friend who went with me was punk rock riding hood, possibly one of the most well clothed girls at the party, except maybe for the girl dressed as a rubix cube. But Color of Money Tom Cruise was enamored.

These six guys all went together as Tom Cruise - Color of Money, Collateral, Mission Impossible, Top Gun, The Outsiders, and Risky Business. Color of Money Tom Cruise was all about my friend, so Collateral Tom Cruise served wing man duty on me. I knew there would be trouble when I commented on the fake gunshot wound on his stomach and he said, "It's not real. It's a Halloween costume."

"Really?" I said with my biggest dose of sarcasm. Great. I'm blond and I'm a boxer with a southern accent so I must also be an idiot. I decided at that point that he was kind of douchey.

Collateral Tom Cruise convinced us to go dancing. Despite his doucheyness he was quite attractive albeit a bit too tall for me - the Tom Cruises were all over six foot - so I allowed a wee bit of the grind to go on. I'll take one for the team. Friend and Color of Money Tom Cruise were getting along swimmingly until Collateral Tom Cruise leaned over and told me how worried he is about his friend because he has a thing for Persian girls.

"She's Pakistani," I said.

"A Persian girl broke his heart. He needs to stay away from Persian girls."

"But she's Pakistani," I said. "She's not Persian."

"I just worry about my friend. I mean, I always do okay but he has problems with girls. Especially Persian girls."

"But Pakistan is not Persia. And really she's from Jersey anyway."

He chose to react by grinding.

He asked me if I was a real boxer. I said yes, I love boxing and take kickboxing lessons. That's when he dropped his hands off my waist like I was a radioactive leper. Figures. He's a banker.

Then Friend and Color of Money Tom Cruise left to get in the bathroom line and I turned around to get my boxing gloves, which I'd left on the ground. When I turned back Collateral Tom Cruise was escaping from the dance floor. That's when I decided he was not only douchey, he was a douchey ass face.

I was way more interested in the Cop I met in the bathroom line. He was in character the whole time and refused to take off his mirrored sunglasses. But after he left the bathroom I never saw him again.

But I was happy that Color of Money Tom Cruise and Friend really hit it off, so when we told him we were leaving I fully expected him to ask for her number. He hugged her and said she was great and then nothing. What is that about? Why do men do that? You invest all this time and all these cool dance moves in a person and then they disappear forever because they're too scared to ask for a number.

On the way out we caught up with Outsiders Tom Cruise struggling not to puke all over himself on account of the Jello shots and Mission Impossible Tom Cruise scoring a chick way out of his league. Top Gun Tom Cruise was completely surrounded by women at all times, as well he should have been.

I wish I'd danced with Risky Business Tom Cruise. He was not a douchey ass face and he had very nice legs.


  1. I take it Psycho Tom Cruise couldn't make it in the house with the couch?

    Happy Halloween!


  2. Men are just scared little boys when it comes to girls we like. We're sorry it causes such confusion, but we're trying to do our best. :D

    This is why I'm glad I'm married. Okay, one of about a million reasons I'm glad I'm married.

  3. Hey, it's "Oprah Winfrey Tom Cruise", not merely "Psycho Tom Cruise" - Tom was never in Psycho, original or remake... (insert rimshot here).

    I miss Halloween parties - most of my friends think they're too old for it, I guess. And you have a beautiful belly - you really do keep in shape, and not just "round"! I tip my fedora your way (no, it's not part of a costume, I just like wearing fedoras).

  4. Thanks, Matt. I work very hard on that stomach. I figured I might as well show it off.

  5. You need to use this in a script sometime. It's brilliant.


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