Jenna Jameson goes legit

A couple of weeks ago Spike TV aired Zombie Strippers, a film about... well about zombie strippers. Not exactly what you think of when you think high concept, but it so is. Jenna Jameson is the film's big star and she plays a stripper named Kat who's been around the block a few times and serves as the group's maternal yet whorey leader. When she turns into a zombie, she still talks. So basically she's more of a reborn cannibal who still wants to dance naked while covered in blood, and also to literally eat dude's penises.

She makes a fortune for the club from all the zombie fetish dudes who don't know what happens in the champagne room.

There is also a character in this film named Sassy Sue.

This script also makes full use of its ability to quote other movies.

Anyway, I knew about three minutes in how much I would love this movie. This one mercenary throws a knife at this other guy and it sticks into the wall, and when he goes to get his knife he holds it up to the other guy and goes "I like knives," at which point Jenna Jameson looks at the other guy and says "He likes knives."

Yeah, it was pretty sweet.

After that, though, the rest of the film stays pretty contained to the strip club, which is genius because the budget for this was like $5 but it's still the awesomest movie ever.

The owner of the strip club is gay. You know he's gay because every time a stripper comes at him he cringes in fear, even though it's pretty obvious the actor playing him is really into chicks.

Okay so basically this movie consist of three parts. Stripper pole dance, then somebody gets eaten, then they sit and talk about how things are going in the zombie strip club, often with heavy lesbian overtones. It's a lot like a soft core porn, but with less actual sex and more actual violence.


Then there's a whole subplot with a Christian girl who finally gets up the courage to take her top off on stage and then to become a zombie who takes her top off on stage, and another story about those mercenaries from the beginning who are trying to track and destroy the zombie stripper menace. Then there's the stripper who refuses to be a zombie and resents the success of the zombie bitches. There's a lot going on in this film.

Also, they're not really zombies at all. More like modified vampires. See, the women keep their wits about them when they turn, but the men become brainless monsters who just want to eat flesh and destroy. See the metaphor? DO YOU SEE? And you thought a zombie movie with subtext was a thing of the past.

And not to spoil anything because really, telling you it's going to happen doesn't spoil it in the slightest, but at one point Zombie Stripper Jenna Jameson uses her decaying vagina to shoot ping pong balls at another zombie stripper's face.

And I don't think I've laughed harder at a Mexican stereotyping scene in my life.

So, in conclusion, it's pretty much the best movie ever.