If I actually knew you, you could crash at my place.

So it's getting on in August, and that means it's time for the annual blogosphere question that haunts all aspiring screenwriters across the land: Should I go to the Expo? I hear the worry in your voices, the fear that the ridiculous amount of money you drop to fly to LA and stay in a hotel may only result in hours of boring power point presentations and maybe a free pen. Well, I went to the Expo last year, so let me share my experience and let you decide, because I am nothing if not full of ancient wisdom. Well, full anyway. I just ate dinner.

I didn't exactly go to the Expo as a normal paying customer last year. If there's one thing teachers are famous for, it's our underwhelming salaries, so I volunteered to help so I could get in free. When you volunteer you work one day, and that means you get to use your special pass to go to whatever seminars you want the other days, which is peachy because anything outside the keynote speaker room is extra. We volunteers stand at the door in our free T-shirts and make you look like an idiot by throwing you out if you didn't take the time to read the directions. If you had, you'd have known that you had to buy tickets to this thing ahead of time, loser. Get out and take your composition notebook and your big dorky messenger bag with you.

On my day off I only sat in on Bill Martell's seminar and I actually learned something and wasn't bored. I'm a teacher; that's the best compliment I can give.

I'm pretty sure most of the speakers were not that good. I don't recommend spending your money on the seminars unless you've looked the speaker up and know they have more credits to their name than sitting next to Shane Black one time in film school and copying off his notes. They tend to say crap you could have learned better by reading the columns on Wordplayer.

Speaking of Shane Black, when the boy wonder tried to show up in cognito on the last day he gave his cell number to William Goldman. Some douchetard actually looked over his shoulder and copied it down. I would love to have been in on THAT phone conversation.

At any rate, after I listened to Bill I went to hear John August talk in the big room and learned some things there too. For one thing, I learned that John August is very wise and adorable as hell and that some aspiring screenwriters are amazingly pretentious. I pretty much spent my whole first day sitting alone and listening to other writers go on about how awesome they are and how much everybody else sucks.

The second day I got there early because it's first come, first served in choosing your spot for the day. They make you pick a spot and then you stay there all day, and I wanted the big room because that's where David Koepp, Paul Haggis, William Goldman and my personal hero Joss Whedon were going to be during the day. This is where my teacher advantage really showed itself. Most writers can't get up before noon. I was the first one in line, bitches. 6:30 a.m. I was not going to miss Joss Whedon.

That's how I made friends. There were two really cute guys working the room with me all day and I made friends with them both, one of whom later did me a huge solid that I didn't deserve. I wish I could say I'm still friends with them, but I didn't do a very good job of maintaining. Maybe this year I'll see them again and rekindle.

Anyway, that's also how I had fun. I worked one seminar and learned that most guest speakers are actually kind of common sensey and not really worth the extra ticket price. Then I sat in the big room all day, doing cartwheels (Literally - I made you wait so I could practice gymnastics. Kiss my ass.) while people waited outside clamoring to get in and tracking down microphones so people could ask questions. Anybody who marched up to the mic in the middle of the room to ask a question - that was all my doing. You'd have had to yell if it weren't for me. I'm also the reason no cell phones went off during Joss Whedon's interview. I used my teacher voice to threaten everybody. I wonder if he appreciated that. Oh, and on the video there's one lone cheer for the mention of the X-Men comic. That would be me. I'm all over that bitch in real subtle ways.

Joss Whedon actually looked at me for a minute when he walked by. I buckled like an idiot and stared at him, open-mouthed and shaking. So much for being cool when you come face to face with your hero. Nathan Fillion did not look at me, which is unfortunate because I would have handled that better.

I stayed in that room most of the day and heard all the keynote speakers. That's all I really wanted and that's what I recommend you spend most of your time on. Jeff Goldsmith is a great interviewer, and you get far more out of his conversations with the writers than you will from most of the people trying to justify their pay on the side.

The point is, I had fun and met people. And absolutely without question if you go you must stay for the networking party, a great opportunity to connect with other writers. One word of warning: don't mention podcasting to Jeff Goldsmith unless you're really into it and want to talk about it for three hours.

Do not bother with the pitch fest. Massive waste of time.

If you feel up to it the Open is worth it. I'm not brave enough to try, but I loved watching the scripts presented the final day and the winner definitely got a well-deserved push in the old career. The downside is that you miss everything else that's going on while you write.

So there you are. If you go let me know and we'll meet up for drinks.