Sunday, October 15, 2006

What could be worse?

My school, for all its violence and disfunction, has some really cool features. One of those is the presence of the culinary class, which every Wednesday and Thursday serves a three-course meal to teachers for five bucks each in a room set up as a restaraunt. Last week they served a Fall menu - Cornish game hen and stuffing, apple streudel and salad. I know. You'd be more willing to put up with kids throwing things at your head too if you could have Cornish game hen for five bucks two days a week.

As we were chowing down a teacher complained that the stuffing was underseasoned. "There's nothing worse than bland stuffing," she said. I stared pensively into space for a second and said, "Raping Clowns."*

Everybody at the table looked up at me, puzzled.

"You know," I said. "Clowns that rape. You said there was nothing worse than bland stuffing. I was just throwing that out there."

The other teachers at the table did indeed agree that raping clowns are worse than bland stuffing. It made them bitch a lot less about lunch after that.

"You're such a writer," said the original teacher as she yanked a piece of hen from the bone and shoved it in her mouth.

That got me thinking: that sounds like a challenge to me. So here it is, everybody. What else is worse than bland stuffing? Go.

*I deny any and all similarities to Rape Bear. I find clowns much more frightening and came up with the idea of a raping clown entirely on my own. Please don't sue.


  1. "And the Oscar goes to... Steven Seagal!"

    I dunno, being trapped in a room with a horny bull rhino probably isn't fun....

    Or being coated with honey and having Winnie The Pooh attack you.

    - Bill

  2. Wow. First of all, I can't believe somebody would complain about that... LOL. Something tells me that this person would complain about winning the lottery.

    Having said that...

    You don't have enough room for my list.


  3. Not leaving the theater because I think this movie has to get better. Only to discover when the credits roll that it doesn’t. Give me a fist full of bland stuffing any day. I can always add my own salt and pepper.

  4. How about 'no stuffing at all'?

  5. the holocaust.

    And in answer to your question, yes. I read Jane Espenson's blog religiously.

  6. Anonymous11:42 AM

    You have once again distilled life into a sippy cup-load of truth.

    And I drank deeply from it.

    So I've just begun writing my new spec -

    Alien vs Predator vs Bland Stuffing


  7. Anonymous3:15 PM

    Bland stuffing and spinach.

  8. ANY CLOWNS are worse than bland stuffing!!

  9. Bob Saget.

    A one year old who can take off their own diaper and likes to fingerpaint.

    Forgetting the stuffing in the oven until smoke fills the room just as your in-laws arrive for dinner.

    Hot Dog Casserole (my husband made this for me to impress me while we were dating. It involved rice and caraway seeds. And hot dogs. And ketchup... )

    The Omen remake.

    Mama Writes

  10. Paris Hilton has GOT to be worse than any raping clown.

    Even on a good day.

  11. Come on - Who said it was rape?

    Did you see what she was wearing? Those big shoes and the red nose?

    She was asking for it...

  12. I laughed, I cried, I ate my stuffing.

    Love the Alien/Predator reference.

    Thanks, Bill. Now I'm terrified of clowns AND Winnie the Pooh.

  13. wcmartell,
    If William Shatner can win an 2 Emmy's and a Golden Globe, anything is possible.
    Never know if Steven Seagal will be offered that coveted Hooker with A Heart Of Gold role and become an Academy favorite!

  14. Kids (or anyone for that matter) that talks in a movie theatre.

    Accidentally inserting an umbrella up your ass, then opening it before removing it.

    Tripping over into a bathtub full of broken glass, after-shave, rusty knives and chili sauce. (Hey, it *could* happen, and I bet Craig Mazin could make it work...)

    Watching anything on UK TV that has been heralded as "the future of.." anything, whether it's drama, comedy or reality-surgery shows.

    Aside from that, life's great! ;-)


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