Inane Questions from Unk's blog

The Unknown Screenwriter has been inundated with questions he just can't answer so I thought I'd lend a hand. These are absolutely 100% serious answers and if you don't follow my advice you'll die alone and unsuccessful in a dumpster behind Roscoe's Chicken and Waffles.

1) Should I type FADE IN: at the beginning of my screenplay?

Never. Every screenplay should open with an explanation of your journey through this story and why it's the best thing since string cheese.

2) Should I number my scenes?

Yes, but show some creativity. Do them in square roots or something. 1, 2, 3, 4 is really cliche.

2.75) Generally speaking, about how many parentheticals should I have in my screenplay?

Every line of dialogue should contain a parenthetical. Otherwise, how will the actors know what facial expressions to make?

4) Can I just type FIN at the end of my screenplay?

Is that your name? That's a stupid name. Smack your parents.

5) Do you use Celtx?

I'm rooting for the Lakers.

6) If I use Celtx to write my screenplay will I have a better chance of selling it?

I don't know, but I hear Paramount only accepts scripts written with Photoshop.

7) Should I sign my screenplay?

Not if your name is Fin.

8) Should I include my email address on my screenplay?

Email is too advanced for Hollywood. Try telegram.

9) Why do I have to put my character’s name in caps througout my screenplay?

Because.

10) What do I do with my screenplay when I’m finished with it?

Line your parakeet's cage with it. Or use it to wrap fish in. Or use it as toilet paper. Look, I can't solve all your recycling problems for you, you'll just have to figure it out on your own.

11) Can you take a look at page 69 of my screenplay and tell me if it’s correct?

I only read porn scripts if they feature a love scene during double anal.

12) Should I send my screenplay to you in a box or an envelope?

I only accept scripts from the hands of hot young shirtless male J Crew models.

13) If I pay you $5000, will you help me sell my screenplay?

Sure. I'll call all the PAs in town and tell them to ask around.

14) If I pay you $10,000 will you help me sell my screenplay?

Sure. I'll stalk Colin Farell until he agrees to sex me, I mean read it.

15) Will you marry me?

Are you Colin Farell, Jensen Ackles or Michael Trucco? That's your answer.

16) What font should I use to write my screenplay?

Zapf Dingbats.

17) Can I just write my screenplay in Word?

Yes, I suggest you always use words when writing screenplays.

18) How many pages should my screenplay be?

Exactly 378.5 with no exceptions. Ever.

19) How long should each act of my screenplay be?

Whatever a third of 378.5 is.

20) Is it okay if my hero and villain both have the same name?

I think it would be much cooler if you called them Good Guy and Bad Guy.

21) Is it okay if my Protagonist is Hillary Clinton?

Will she be wearing a cape? That's your answer.

22) Is it okay to thank my Mom in my screenplay?

Is your mom Hillary Clinton? That's your answer.

23) Is it okay to thank my husband in my screenplay?

If it comes during the double anal love scene.

24) Is it okay to thank YOU in my screenplay?

If it comes during the double anal love scene.

25) Do you accept credit cards?

Absolutely. I have even a Pay Pal button!

26) Do you live alone?

Okay, stalker. I have a viscious man-eating cat living with me and he's very jealous. And furry.

27) What’s your favorite color?

Blue. For reals.

28) What’s your favorite food?

Tortas from that Mexican grocery near my school. When I finally leave that place I will drive down there once a week just to buy a $3.00 sandwich. Seriously.

29) What’s your favorite drink?

Today it's Orangina.

30) Do you smoke?

Only if I'm on fire.

31) Do you drink?

Only if I'm on fire.

32) What color are you eyes?

I believe the technical term is Fucking Blue as Crap.

33) When’s the last time you had sex?

Whenever your mom was over last.