Wednesday, October 14, 2009

Fifteen things to know about LA

If you are one of the billionty people who have plans to move to LA in the near future, here are some things you should know:*

1) "It's raining" is a perfectly legitimate reason for canceling all plans for the day.
3) Nobody uses their garage as a garage.
4) However long Mapquest tells you it will take you to get somewhere, the real answer is twice that amount.
5) If you need to visit someone in the middle of the day, they're probably home.
6) On Hollywood Boulevard, the tourists are the ones looking at their feet. They are annoying to everyone not looking at their feet.
7) You can buy flowers, oranges, balloons or pretty much anything else in the median of a popular intersection.
8) Be alert for schizophrenics in the middle of the street. Often you can spot them pushing shopping carts full of stuff they found in a dumpster and giving the finger to your honking horn.
9) Don't worry about recycling your soda bottle. A homeless guy will dig it out of the trash can shortly.
10) Stare at the famous person. Tell all your friends to stare at the famous person. Giggle and talk about the famous person. But under no circumstances do you actually talk to the famous person.
11) At 3am on a Sunday, the 405 is still a string of break lights.
12) If you don't drink coffee or eat sushi, either get started or get out.
13) Dress up to go to the mall. If you wear a faded T-shirt and discounted Gap jeans you will feel like a schmuck when you see what everybody else wears.
14) There are only three protected lefts in all of Los Angeles, so you'd better turn left as soon as the light turns red because you will not get an opportunity before or after. Don't sit there and think about it. Do it or I will ram your fucking car through the intersection.
15) Never go to a party without business cards.

*Nobody told me I skipped number 2. So 2) We don't do math without our cell phone calculators.


  1. Always carry condoms...


  2. And whatever you do, if you say you're going to meet someone at a specific time, don't. Being on time is simply not done and marks you as a freaking tourist every time.

    Oh, and make sure you like sushi.

  3. wait, why do tourists stare at their feet?

  4. They're reading the stars on the Walk of Fame.

  5. Mind if I link to this?

  6. The famous Harry Connolly wants to link to me? Oh my. I am honored.

  7. I can think of a thousand reasons not to live in LA before I can think of three reasons for moving to LA.

    I visit when I need to. Meetings. Then I get the fuck out. It really is a giant pile of shit.

    Sushi is overrated and coffee somehow devolved from a drug to keep your ass awake into a trendy habit for douchebags with too much money.

  8. Then it sounds like you are exactly where you need to be.

    I love LA. So I live here.

  9. I kind of doubt anybody loves living in LA(other than Anthony Kiedis). Either that, or they've never lived in a great city. They have their hometown or LA as a frame of reference.

  10. As amazing as it sounds, different people enjoy living in different places, and I actually do know my own feelings on the subject better than you do.

  11. Billy3:53 AM

    I grew up an hour away from NYC and lived in the city for 2 years. I love LA - loved it from the minute I stepped off the plane. I can't imagine living anywhere else.

  12. In my little corner of LA, we have mountain lions and rattlesnakes in the local parks. How cool is that?!

    Two different ways to die while you're walking your dog.

    Sometimes, the mountain lions eat people. That is so fucking cool. It's like having a dragon in your backyard.

    Not just that, but the coyotes are looking for your unattended toddler or wandering house cat.

    LA rawks!

  13. Dude, stop leaving your kid out for the coyotes.

  14. And quit rubbing him down with hamburger.

  15. No worries.

    All my kids have Glocks.

    (In LA, you don't send your kid out of the house without a sidearm.)

  16. And well you should be.

  17. oohhhh ok the Walk of Fame, lol. Its VERY obvious I'm not from L.A. I went last year and I LOVED the city.

    I would love to live in L.A for a year at least. It's a very unique, magical city.

  18. I agree. I've always loved how LA has these quirks that give it such a strong identity. There are plenty of people and places I don't want to deal with, so I don't.

    If you know where to go and hang with the right people, LA is fantastic.

  19. Merriweather1:10 AM

    Why is it necessary to eat sushi? I like steak.

    Coffee is gross. I drink tea. And so does Chris Nolan, so there.


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