Thursday, March 22, 2007

Emily knows what secrets lurk in the hearts of men

Research. It's interesting. Like, I know how to pick locks now. In theory, anyway. But according to the various instruction manuals I now have on my computer, all you need is an appropriate tool and some practice. So now I know how to become a hitman and pick locks, although I suppose you should probably know how to pick locks anyway if you're going to be a hitman.

If I disappear it's because the FBI came and got me. My only thought will be how pissed I am that I never got to finish the script. I hope Partner will carry on the short film without me.

It's another Battlestar weekend which is very exciting. I have a sneaky suspicion that the few writers for the show who even know I exist think of me as Maggie's Nervous Friend. I have no name that I am aware of, even to the lovely woman who hugs me. I'll bet as soon as I walk away from her she turns to her husband the writer and says, "What the hell is Maggie's Nervous Friend's name?" And he shrugs.

Which lands me square in the position of Show Groupie. I don't want to be a show groupie. I saw Almost Famous. I know what groupies do. I am not down for that.

Know what's annoying? When you're the lead singer in a band but people who haven't seen you play yet keep asking you who's girlfriend you are.

But maybe Anonymity isn't such a bad thing. Right now I'm mysterious. I can sit quietly in the corner and sip on a drink and be anybody. Like The Shadow. As soon as I start talking they might find out that I have a subscription to Astonishing X-Men and two light sabers in my closet. Of course, at a Battlestar Galactica party that would probably get me surrounded Scarlet O'Hara style by the many boys that will appear from out of nowhere as soon as they hear a feminine voice utter the words "I just wanted Amidala and Anakin to joke more, like Han and Leia, you know?" I hope they bring me cake.

I should try that. Then I can go from being Maggie's Nervous Friend to being Maggie's Dorky Friend.

Or maybe I should just bring cards and talk to people about my short. Or teaching. People like to hear about teaching. I should just walk up to random writers and say "I'm Emily and I teach in South Central," like I did when I was four except not so much about teaching as about how old I was. What happened to me? I used to be that obnoxious kid who introduced myself to everybody in the restaurant.

I have this one plan that usually works, though. Stand alone in a really visible place and sip on a drink, looking pretty and like you're observing the people around you. It's kind of like waiting on the sidelines at a school dance. Eventually somebody will approach you. And if they don't you can just start doing cartwheels.


  1. Anonymous5:14 PM

    That depends on what kind of hitman, and what kind of hit.

    Hitmen can run from the truly pro - which are generally termed assassins - to the very general thug with a gun.

    A hit can be poisoning a person in a room full of people with only the target dying, to bombing a whole restaraunt.

    If stealth is needed to bypass a lock then, yes, lockpicks are pretty handy, but there are several faster ways to bypass them, but all are noisier. We're excepting that windows, for some reason, are not an option.

  2. That's assuming they know MY name, which is really not a very safe assumption, ha!

    It's probably more like, "Hey, it's those two girls who are always around but we don't know exactly who they are or why they're here."

    I do tend to show up EVERYWHERE.

  3. Anyway I am WAY dorkier, and I don't mean that in a good way.

    I have a phaser-shaped remote control. I wear Starbuck's ring. I even showed KS that I wear Starbuck's ring.

    We should totally have a dork-off one day! Loser buys the drinks! Wait, winner buys the drinks. Wait....

  4. Anonymous6:07 PM

    Yes maggie, but does your flip open cell phone have a original Star Trek communicator incoming message noises for a ring tone?

  5. Haha you guys are dorks.

    I think I'd be a stealthy hitman.

  6. I don't think I've commented before how incredibly jealous I am of you guys on Sunday nights. Because, well, I basically want to be you on Sunday nights.

    And I bet that compared to most crowds, being a dork there is a relatively acceptable thing. Embrace your dorkiness, and see where it leads you. At least that's what I'd do.

    I'd also bring a bunch of business cards and maybe a copy of a spec script, but hey. That might just be me.

  7. Not only have I never watched the show, I'm not sure what channel it's on. I'm not sure if that's a good or bad thing.

  8. Emily & Maggie I'm so jealous of you both. Battlestar is the best show on television.

    But of course I also would feel very intimidated. After a few drinks I might muster some courage but then I'd wonder if they thought I was a drunk babbling idiot.

    and ppsshaw to "dorks" -- it's geek, ladies.

    Your inner geek will set you free.

  9. Oh, Emily! Most Awesomest J. says she'll tell them we're writers and not mere groupies, though I would think that being such dorks that we didn't even know we were supposed to be geeks would be clue enough! Zounds!

    If we're groupies, we suck at it.

    My cell phone does not make a communicator sound, alas. But my computer used to play the DS9 opening credits music when it started up, and the closing credits music when it shut down.

    Plus the error message was Majel Barrett and whenever I got an email, Worf would say: "Captain, incoming message."

    Hee hee hee hee hee....


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