Monday, September 21, 2009

Open script: People on a raft


At first I spent like all Friday night and all day Saturday and then all Sunday morning trying to figure out what to write. Since we decided to put an offer on a house we saw Saturday, Beefcake and I decided to delay our trip to Montana by a day and that gave me Sunday to work. I sat down and spent like an hour writing and rewriting the idea I'd spent two days working on.

And not only was it 9 pages, but I hated it.

So I sat down and watched the first ten minutes of Jedi and didn't really think of anything, then suddenly I thought "People on a raft! Of course!"

Somehow Jaba made me think of people on a raft. I dunno. Then I said to myself, "Take advantage of this location." What can happen on a raft? 1 - you can fall off. 2 - it can have a hole in it. 3 - you can be stranded.

And for the really vigilant readers, yes I did use a phrase here that I used in the latest John August contest. It got laughs all around so fuck if I'm not going to use it as often as I can until it no longer works.

So here's what I turned in for round one. I thought it up in one minute, wrote it in about five, and edited it for about five. It ended up naturally coming in at 5 pages, which is always a good sign. And I feel ever so much better about it. Even if it doesn't get me a good enough score, I enjoyed writing it. My only regret is that I forgot to change their ages because I made them too old for their dialogue. Anyway, here's my "people on a raft" story:

FADE IN:

EXT. LIFE RAFT - DAY

She has a gun to her temple.

She is PENNY, 23, tiny and birdlike and sunburned in her bikini, which could be why she shakes. It could also be the gun.

The finger hovering over the trigger belongs to MILES, 25, scruffy and unshaven and a little sunken in. He also looks more than a little pissed.

They bounce with the waves that roll under their day-glo orange life raft. Land is nowhere in sight.

Leaning out of the raft next to them is GAVIN, 30, hairy and portly. Gavin uses some sort of odd device constructed from his belt and a T-shirt to try to catch fish.

In the raft with them are a neoprene thermos, a beat-up towel with a picture of a bear on it, a broken paddle and a water-logged digital camera.

PENNY

I didn't do it, baby! He's full of shit!

MILES

Then where are they?

GAVIN

Shoot her, Miles. If you shoot her we can eat her.

PENNY

Oh come on. Even you aren't a cannibal.

GAVIN

Out here in the wilderness you never know what will turn you mad. I ate a grasshopper once. Hey maybe if we throw her overboard the fish will eat her and then get fat and slow and then we can catch them and eat them. More omega threes.

PENNY

For fuck's sake, Gavin, I didn't eat the granola bars!

MILES

Then how do you explain this?

Miles lifts up an empty granola bar wrapper.

PENNY

Gavin did it. I mean, he's the one deflecting all the blame to me. He looks fat.

GAVIN

I do not!

Gavin sucks in his stomach.

MILES

Penny. Listen, just tell me the truth because I love you and this gun is really heavy. Did you take the granola bars? I won't be mad. As much. Only a little.

PENNY

You have a gun to my head, Miles.

Miles looks at the gun.

MILES

Yes I do.

PENNY

Why did you even bring the gun?

MILES

I thought we could shoot stuff.

PENNY

Okay, look. Do I even look like I ate anything? Come on. I have a very high metabolism so I'm starving over here.

MILES

That's why I gave you my pesto chicken sandwich.

PENNY

I appreciate that sacrifice, baby. I would have died. That's why I haven't eaten anything else since. That's why I'm hungry now and if we get fish I need some fish.

GAVIN

Oh what a load of shit! You were lying then and you're lying now!

PENNY

Shut it, fatso!

Gavin shouts.

GAVIN

Oh my god you guys! Hold up! I got something!

He pulls up a teeny tiny little nothing of a fish, trapped in his bizarre t-shirt web.

Gavin throws the shirt with the fish inside into the raft.

GAVIN

Look what I did!

PENNY

He's so little.

GAVIN

No need to go there.

MILES

At least he's contributing.

PENNY

I didn't take the granola bars. Can I have some fish? I'm HUNGRY!

MILES AND GAVIN

No.

PENNY

Fuck you guys. I haven't eaten anything the whole time we've been here!

MILES

You ate my sandwich.

PENNY

Oh yeah. Thanks. It saved my life.

Gavin tries to cut the fish with a plastic knife but it's no good as it hops and flops all over the raft. Miles shrugs, grabs it and bites its head off.

PENNY

Oh gross!

GAVIN

That's balls out, dude.

They watch him for a second as he chews. And chews.

GAVIN

Well how is it?

MILES

Scaly.

GAVIN

Can you taste the omega threes?

PENNY

Nobody can taste omega threes.

GAVIN

Shut up, granola thief.

She lunges for him and grabs the plastic knife. She tries to use it as a projectile, which doesn't work because of physics.

Gavin pushes her and she pushes back. Gavin grabs her hair. She screams and grips his goatee.

MILES

Stop it!

PENNY

I didn't eat the granola!

MILES

Stop it! I have a gun!

GAVIN

Fuck you Penny! I wanted the oatmeal raisin!

PENNY

It tasted like shit anyway.

GAVIN

You DID eat it! I knew it!

They pound at each other again and almost rock Miles off the boat with their grappling.

MILES

Seriously, stop it guys!

PENNY

Yes! I ate the oatmeal raisin! I was hungry!

MILES

Penny!

Gavin slaps Penny in the face.

MILES

Gavin!

GAVIN

It had fruit and fiber in it you bitch! I need fruit and fiber!

PENNY

You can't have all the fruit and fiber and omega threes, you greedy dickbag!

She kicks him, knocking him fully out of the raft.

He splashes around frantically.

GAVIN

Help! Shit! Fuck, there's sharks!

He grabs at the raft and attempts to yank himself back in.

Penny kicks him again.

MILES

Penny!

GAVIN

Cut it out, bitch!

Penny leans back and crosses her arms and Gavin climbs back in and immediately lunges for her. They roll around on the raft some more, grabbing at each other's throats.

A SHOT.

Gavin and Penny sit up and stare at Miles, a smoky gun in his hands.

PENNY

Miles, honey, you shot a hole in the raft.

Indeed he did.

GAVIN

Fuck, dude.

MILES

Shitballs.

He pulls his shirt off and shoves it into the hole. He shoves the still wriggling fish body in the hole.

Gavin grabs the towel and starts to bail. As the end of the towel flips up in a graceful dance with the sky, two granola bars fly through the air and land in the water beyond.

GAVIN

Well shit.

FADE OUT.

9 comments:

  1. Thanks!

    Good luck with your entry, too!

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  2. Anonymous11:45 AM

    Only a thunderstorm and some sharks were missing.

    ReplyDelete
  3. I thought the scene was really funny, nice job with the reveal and then gunshot.

    Just curious, but do you generally trend more towards the longer dialogue, or is it an artifact of writing the piece so quickly?

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  4. I'm not sure what you mean by "longer dialogue"

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  5. Cool. I posted mine, too.

    http://potentialisamuscle.blogspot.com/2009/09/drama.html

    Yeah, there's two. I paid twice. I love this shit. If I get an illiterate judge again, though, someone's getting a reading lesson---in their ass.
    -Jeff

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  6. http://scrippets.org/blogger.html

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  7. I have ti in Scrippets already. Is it not reading that way on your computer? Are you in Firefox?

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  8. Thank you Emily!

    Not very many have the courage to show their work to the world.

    Had you considered this opening:

    EXT. LIFE RAFT - DAY

    PENNY, 23, tiny and birdlike and sunburned in her bikini, which could be why she shakes.

    It could also be the gun to her temple.

    ReplyDelete
  9. That's pretty good, but I intentionally chose to open with the image of the gun.

    ReplyDelete

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