Thursday, April 29, 2010

Protect Jackie Earle Haley

I'm concerned about Jackie Earle Haley.

We can all agree that he's awesome, right? AGREE, dammit. After a career doing tons of work most people don't know about, he finally got the part as Rorschach in Watchmen and I think we can all agree he was the best thing about that film. Hell he got to utter the best line in that movie: "You think I'm trapped in here with you. You're trapped in here with me," and then he cuts some dude's arm off with a chain saw or whatever. I don't know. I don't remember that movie that well but I do remember him. The scene was so not really all that necessary to the plot, but oh man was he cool.

And as I have come to really enjoy Human Target more and more now that they've stopped doing episodes based on Bloodsport, I just love seeing him on my TV. He says "dude" a lot. I say "dude" a lot. I can totally relate to his character.

But this thing. This Freddy thing. Oi.

I never really go the whole Freddy thing to begin with. Between my total lack of fear when I see him largely because of his thrift-store sweater and this guy's brilliant point-by-point analysis of the series, I'm just not that frightened by the whole Freddy thing.

What does scare me, you may ask? IT. Fuck Pennywise. He's the reason I weave around storm drains when I go for walks. Also the Candyman terrifies me. He's covered in bees! What the fuck is that about?

I'm not really sure why Nightmare on Elm Street needed to be remade, but evidently it did, and my boy Jackie Earle Haley is Freddy. I didn't know it was him until I saw that preview for the first time when he said "You think I'm in this nightmare with you, but really you're in this nightmare with me. Fuckers." And I was like hey that's that one dude who's awesome.

Earlier today when there were 16 reviews on Rotten Tomatoes, Nightmare was up to a big goose egg. As of this writing, Nightmare, with a full 20 reviews, has a big old 7%. Hell, The Hottie or the Nottie had 5, so it could be worse I guess. Ballistic: Ecks vs. Sever has 0% so it's not as bad as that film. But I think if I took a horror classic and a big old Michael Bay budget and got a 7% there might be a month of post-film release depression. I'm not sure the knowledge that I'm better than a Paris Hilton movie or what may easily be the worst movie of all time would cheer me up.

So I'm worried about old Jackie Earle. I don't want him to get depressed and stop being cool because this movie sucks so hard.

Then again if it makes a zillion dollars they'll probably greenlight a sequel and with its chief competition this weekend being Furry Vengeance (and what the fuck happened to Brendan Fraser is a whole other post) I think this horrible remake may actually stand a chance.

Personally I'm going to go home and watch Ninja Assassin since it just came on Netflix.


  1. What the ef DID happen to Brendan Fraser? Lol.

  2. Agree that Pennywise was terrifying. Funny thing is about "It"... I first saw it back in the VHS days, and it was a long enough movie that it came on too tapes. I rented it from Blockbuster and accidentally watched the 2nd half (when they're adults) first. I didn't realize anything was wrong until about half an hour into the 1st half.

    I really miss VCRs.

  3. I did the same thing with Braveheart. I kept waiting for the flashback to start to explain why he was being tortured.

  4. Nightmare on Elm Street is absolutely terrifying to me. And I know I'm afraid of everything so it makes sense, but honestly, a guy who wants to kill you in original painful ways, while making smart-ass's horrifying.

    Plus, you CAN"T SLEEP. And everybody needs to sleep SOMETIME.

    God. Now I've gone and freaked myself.


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