Friday, August 27, 2010

Lake Placid 4: Stubby's Revenge

This year my parents moved to a new house back East and brought with them this corgie you see before you. His name is Stubby on account of his short little legs. Yes, he is cute. He is also one dumb motherfucker.

In this little bitty town there is a swamp across the street from a big lake. In this swamp are alligators. My parents have told me many times that in the history of the lake, not once have the alligators crossed the street into the lake. I am skeptical, but trusting. Two days ago my mom and I drove by the swamp and saw four gators out sunning themselves. I thought is was so cool, I decided to ride her bike down the road to get pictures of them.

Stubby doesn't get out of his pen much, so as I began to ride Mom's bike down the driveway he began his adorable and pitiful barking.

He's dumb as a post, but Stubby's a very good dog and he has no problem trotting around off leash. Besides, this is the kind of town where everybody's dog wanders at will so nobody bats an eye if a cute little corgie wanders hither and yon on his own. My parents don't let him out much though, because their neighbor is a horrible bitch and she has it in for him.

So anyway, could you resist that dog? No. Nobody with a heart could. So I said to Stubby, look Stubby. You will run alongside this bike as I go to photograph the gators sunning themselves in the swamp.

Stubby hates swimming. HATES. Freaks completely out when he's walked anywhere near a swamp or a lake or a pool or an ocean. So I wasn't worried about him going anywhere near the swamp and the gators. I brought along an old short rusty chain link leash just in case he gave me trouble.

So I biked on down the road and he trotted along, occasionally stopping to sniff the foliage. He was happy as a pig in shit.

Along the way I saw this alligator:

Yes the swamp is currently a little overrun with algae.

Now that I've gotten my picture of an alligator I decided to double back and head home. Stubby's very furry and has very tiny legs, and at this point his tongue was practically dragging the ground, so I figured if he could talk he'd probably admit defeat and ask if we could go.

I turned around and started biking, stopping periodically and calling Stubby to me when a car went by. He'd sit there and wait, and then start jogging as soon as the car past.

So we went along like this for a while until one car came along and I called him to me, but he didn't come. He ran into some bushes and failed to reappear. I called again. Nothing. I thought I heard a splash, so naturally at this point I'm convinced that Stubby has been gobbled up by an alligator. Great. I killed my mom's dog.

I rushed over and didn't see the dog anywhere. But suddenly there was frantic splashing, and there he was, down in the water, scraping at the embankment with his mud filled paws.

Stubby decided that neon green water was a lovely drink and forgot that he had short-ass legs.

As I leaned over to grab his forelegs and wrestle him back on land, I thought to myself, this is how horror movies start. This is also how stories about rednecks who die saving their dogs start.

I braced one leg on a tree. I did not look for an alligator because I figured seeking out a green lizard in green water would require too much time, time I could be grabbing this goddamn dog. I pulled his forelegs up and used my right hand to push his butt the rest of the way, then I got the fuck out of there before all that splashing got us eaten.

Naturally, Stubby was filthy and now, so was I. I put that short rusty leash on his filthy neck and walked him and the bike back to the lake. I dragged him in to clean him off, at which point he panicked and splashed his way back to the dock. Once on the dock, he immediately rubbed his face in bird poop.

At this point I threw my hands up and he trotted his furry little ass back to the house, not a care in the world.


  1. "Once on the dock, he immediately rubbed his face in bird poop"

    Just, you know, reminding you that he's a dog. In case all the other shenanigans hadn't.

  2. I've got cramps from laughing...

    When the words 'dog' and 'alligator' featured in the first act, I knew this was going to be good.

    You over-delivered.


  3. Anonymous9:17 AM

    Your parents chose to move to a town with a gator swamp! What's up with that????? :-)

    Where I grew up all I had to deal with was an occasional Bigfoot in the backyard.

    - Mr. Penn State

  4. Anonymous11:38 AM


    You know we are a bit shocked that you are losing touch. Why did you post this....

    We like your potential, but you got to post posts that are Earth Shattering, if you know what I mean.

    Script Shadow and Done Deal and Just Effing will one day make it huge waves in Hollywood and you are not creating any waves. Could you review some screenplays from upcoming screenwriters. And interview Terrance Mulloy(aka Halo of Sceenwriting) and Lillmama(our Virgin Queen of screenwriting) or Jules(aka Pitbull of Screenwriting) or ever Bono or Jake or even Johnny Atlas or SuperScribes or CarCar and analyze the reaction to what is happening on Script Shadow.

    Ask the important questions.

    Right now every hot screenwriter in Hollywood is reading Script Shadow on a daily basis.

    Could you be as big as Script Shadow or as big as Done you not want fame and fortune.


  5. Laura, I laughed. Karel, thanks. Mr. Penn State, I'm right there with you, but you know how parents are.

    And Anonymous, I appreciate your concern for my career, but there's really no need.

    I post five days a week, so not every post is going to be a shocking game changer. In fact, I'm not really trying to write shocking game changers; I'm just trying to be myself. I do interviews quite a bit, but I don't live inside Done Deal so many of the people I interview come from other places, as do my life experiences. I don't want fame and fortune. I want to be a working writer, so that is where I put my energy.

    The good news is, you can start your own blog free of charge and put whatever you want on it.

  6. Fascinating. That's the kind of dog that you'd put in the basket in front of your handlebars, i would think....

  7. Glad you both survived.

  8. Lol - great story!

    BTW - I think this post is just as relevant as "screenwriting" posts or any of your others. Recording this story is still storytelling. "Anonymous" should know you don't always have to dispense with the wise words about such-and-such to be relevant as a blogger.

    I like your blog because with each post, your personality shines through!

  9. Heh. Thanks. I know it's not screenwriting related, but I took a week off from writing so that story was more interesting than anything else I had going.

  10. Gators in a nearby swamp?

    If you really want to get good pictures, you got to feed 'em. Chicken gizzards are cheap. Buy yourself a bagful and start chucking.

    If you got a troublesome possum (is there any other kind?), catch him, tie up his legs, and toss him into that swarm of gators.

    You'll be glad you did.

  11. Emily - this is an awesome story. Hidden in it is a great lesson. It's called foreshadowing, and man you did it perfectly!

    First you start talking about the dog. ME: "Awww"

    Then you start foreshadowing about the gators in the lake. ME: "WTF? Where is this going. Oh shit, she better not!" That's the key. Now I have to read this entire thing.

    Exposition and ACT II. blah blah TENSION RISES- I'm hooked and you gave me the release at the end with a nice little act III.

  12. Heh. Thanks, Sean. I hadn't thought of it that way. Foreshadowing indeed.


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