Saturday, March 29, 2008

My acting career gets a boost

I have my acting debut today.

Actually it's not really my acting debut. That happened the year I was born when I played the Baby Jesus in the Christmas pageant at the Catholic school where my mom taught. Somewhere there's a photograph of me held up in the air, raising my arms to bless the congregation. I'm pretty sure what I meant by raising my arms was more along the lines of "Put me down, you fucknoodle! It's fucking high up here and I'm a baby!" but the congregation thought it would be cooler if I was blessing them.

I was in some plays with my cousins at Grandpa's house every Christmas, but the older cousins never gave me much to do. I'd play roles like Sleeping Child and Magician's Assistant and Fight Starter. Okay the Fight Starter may have me acting like a jackass.

In middle school I was in a real play. We did Oliver and I played a lot of extra parts, but I had one speaking line because I was the kid who got to arrest the Artful Dodger. I also got to sing "Ripe! Strawberries ripe!" during "Who Will Buy" but my parents said they couldn't hear me because the director had me walking away from the audience during my solo.

And that's my experience in the world of acting.

Yet somehow I got roped into putting myself in front of the camera today for a short film. As an added bonus, I get the anxiety of playing a character who changes shirts on camera so I also had to spend all week agonizing over how fat I'm going to look when the camera adds its requisite ten pounds.

I keep thinking of Amber Benson, who is a tiny birdlike creature in person but always came across a little wide on Buffy. I weigh a lot more than she does and have great big birthing hips. How fat am I gonna look?

In related news, I am hungry.


  1. I've always wanted to know how fat I'd look on TV.

    ...hopefully I'll get famous and be able to find out.

  2. Your anxieties are unfounded. Most men prefer a woman who doesn't look like a pencil. Considering the exercise you do, you'll look better than most.


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