Yesterday was a rough patch. In my lashing out I managed to piss off not one but TWO people. Sorry, people I pissed off.
I realized maybe one reason I was so unhappy yesterday was because I hadn't written anything in about three weeks. So I sat down and cranked out the first two pages of Jacking. That's a temporary title, by the way. I guarantee that won't be the title I end up with.
Anyway, writing pages always makes me feel better and this time was no exception. Whenever I get depressed I just remember to be proactive. Do something that you've been wanting to do and you automatically feel good about yourself. Like magic. So now I have the first draft of my opening scene.
Before I share this with you, some of you may remember the story of my mugging from several months ago. The mugging is what inspired the script, so I used it almost exactly as it happened in the opening scene.
So here you go, my new first pages:
FADE IN:
EXT. SOUTH HOLLYWOOD STREET - NIGHT
Three in the morning on a street off La Brea. A group of kids wobbles down the street, giggling. A cab pulls up and two white girls get out. They're drunk and wearing dresses without pockets. Both carry purses.
One girl, ROSE DAILY, hands the driver a carefully counted out handful of bills and both girls cross the street as the cab drives away.
ROSE
I'm sorry. Are you sure you don't mind walking? That guy gave me the creeps.
Rose, 26, is petit and sparkly, a bright little ball of drunk energy. Her companion, ANDREA, 28, carries a sophistication that shines through her inebriation.
ANDREA
It's okay. You're paying, you get to say where we get out.
ROSE
I love walking in Los Angeles. I know you're not supposed to, but-
Two LATINO BOYS wearing hooded sweatshirts move fast up behind the girls, coming out of nowhere.
One of them grabs at Andrea's purse. She resists and he knocks her to the ground, ripping the strap. He runs down the street.
The other boy grabs at Rose's purse and runs with it, but he doesn't get far.
ROSE
Oh hell no!
She reaches out and grabs the boy's hood, knocking him on his ass. In the process, Rose loses her balance too and falls down on the sidewalk.
They look at each other, both brought down unexpectedly. The Boy has a cherubic face. His head is shaved. His eyes are wide in surprise. For a second they connect, the victim and the criminal.
The boy leaps up and runs off after his friend, still holding her purse. She jumps up and out of her kitten heel shoes, tearing after him, barefoot on the pavement.
ROSE
Come back here, you son of a bitch!
But he's away and their belongings are gone.
Rose stops her chase. Andrea stands up and brushes herself off.
An EXCITED GUY rushes across the street and up to the girls.
EXCITED GUY
Oh man! I can't believe that just happened! I saw those guys come up to you and I just thought they might do something and then they did!
Rose and Andrea both stare at him. He smiles.
ROSE
You want a fucking cookie?
His smile fades. Andrea grabs Rose's arm and leads her away.
ROSE
(angry)
Thanks for all your help, man!
They head down the sidewalk, leaving the bewildered asshole behind them.
My one suggestion, if you want it, is this:
ReplyDeleteIs the guy that runs up after the fact going to be in the movie more than this one scene?
The only thing that bothered me, if this is his only scene, is that he comes across as just kind of a jackass, but a one note jackass.
I'd like to see, or know, why he didn't try to help them. Was he scared? Is he just a coward? Was he watching them in a creepy way and didn't want them to know he was there?
If every character, even minor ones, have their motivations fleshed out it makes for a stronger scene, and a stronger scene leads to a stronger movie, obviously.
Just my two cents, based on the one scene.
One suggestion:
ReplyDeleteRethink some of the dialogue. It does not come off as natural. Reread everytime a character speaks and put yourself in that situation. The ones that really stood out were...
Oh hell no (this is not a CW sitcom) and
Do you want a cookie? (Is this story set in the 90's, maybe I missed that)
It has potential to be good and I know it is a first draft. Keep writing.
What's funny about that comment is that those are the very words I said when I was mugged.
ReplyDeleteThis scene is almost word for word what happened, including that guy at the end.
Writing real life is tricky.
ReplyDelete"It really happened that way" isn't good enough to make it work in the story, and it can be hard to view it as a story when it's your own life.
That said, I didn't have a problem with the creep at the end or the line about the cookie. (The latter doesn't come across as dated, it makes me see the character as someone who was a teen in the 90s)
I don't mean this as a critizism, but is it a good idea to write the same event as you've experienced? Seems like you run the risk of getting too attached to it because it's so personal.
ReplyDeleteWell no, I'm not saying it's prefect just because it happened that way. This is a first draft and will likely change somewhat. But I just find it amusing that the reason he said it didn't work is because it's unrealistic when it's pretty mcuh what happened.
ReplyDeleteThis is the only part of the script that's based on my experience. The rest will be all fiction.
There's a difference between "realistic" and "reelistic"-- if you know what I mean.
ReplyDeleteBut I'm intrigued to see what will happen next. I'm interested enough to turn the page.
*FADE IN:
ReplyDeleteEXT. SOUTH HOLLYWOOD STREET - NIGHT*
This ^ works for me. I like sparkly Rose, and sophisticated Andrea.
However, I like it based on thinking that this should be a subplot, to a powerfully compelling bigger story.
I like your descriptions.
I'd like to be able to write like that. Nice.
Just to offer a different opinion: I liked the dialogue. Made sense to me, read well, and I laughed at the right places. The guy at the end could go either way, I think it depends on what the rest of the script is like.
ReplyDeleteI never said unrealistic. It might of happened that way...does not matter. What matters is the way it would happen to the random person walking the street.
ReplyDeleteI would never say, "Oh hell no."
I would say, "Oh my God...fucking shit...you ok?"
Wait. You would ask the mugger who just grabbed your purse if he was okay?
ReplyDeleteYou can only use "oh, hell no" if Will Smith is in your movie. Everytime somebody else uses that line Will Smith gets a penny.
ReplyDeleteI noticed that a lot of the same careers show up in movies, some of them not even common - such as architect. There are an awful lot of architects in movies. And struggling novelists.
ReplyDeleteAnyway, I actually put together a list of careers I could think of that were overused, and then researched what the most common careers actually are:
http://ldeerfield.blogspot.com/2008/01/movie-character-careers.html
The idea was to have something to keep me from reaching for the obvious/stereotypical.
(dang, previous comment intended for other post... durn multiple tabs got me confused.)
ReplyDeleteNo, but I would ask my friend if she was ok...
ReplyDeleteBut this character doesn't. This character is pissed off at the mugger and this event takes place in a matter of seconds and she's more concerned about the immediate situation. So she grabs the mugger.
ReplyDeleteThere is not enough time to do both. When a dude is grabbing your purse your first thought is not - gee I hope my friend is okay.
To me, it looks like a promising first scene. I think the dialogue could be a little sharper too, but I'm not going to say how "I" would behave in this situation since I'm not the one who this is happening to. Different people behave in different ways. That said, I like what the guy says and how he just seems to be a random schmuck best of all. I wouldn't refer to him as "asshole" in the description, but that's just me.
ReplyDeleteLacking something. It reminds me of the difference between an incident and a story. Just because it happened doesn't mean it fits in a storyline.
ReplyDeleteWhat is the point of this scene (other than telling the world 'it really happened!')?
Maybe it's not right for an opening scene, but would fit better after your story has begun. As is, I don't see where this story is going at all. They got mugged. So? What journey is this supposed to suggest?
As long as Will Smith's name was mentioned...
I'm reminded of his first scene in Men in Black, similarly running down a bad guy. Only in this case, the bad guy is an alien, and Smith is displaying extraordinary stamina, such that he will be destined to get the nod for the super secret elite interplanetary crime fighters -- later on. The scene's purpose then is clear.
Also, that scene was not the opening of the film. They had already established the MIB world and main dramatic situation already.
Now, don't get insulted if you don't want to be compared to Men in Black, as it was only to illustrate a point. The point is key, though. Where are you going with this scene, and why am I not feeling it?
JG.
Well yes, of course it's missing something: the entire rest of the screenplay. That's kind of where the rest of the story happens.
ReplyDelete