Sunday, December 02, 2007

Dating made easy


I had my date. It was okay. I'm on the fence about it, but I was expecting it to be horrible so at least it beat my really low expectations.

I'm feeling jaded today so this is like the world's grumpiest post.

Anyway...

We walked around my neighborhood which is nice since I really like my neighborhood and walking around in it. I don't like caramel in my hot chocolate anymore though. When did that happen?

It's weird. Date kept trying to get me to talk about myself, which used to be no problem at all, but I just didn't want to. I feel so ambivalent about everything these days that it seems like so much effort to tell my life story all over again. I mean, seriously, how many times am I going to have to tell a new boyfriend about my daddy issues or that I think Sin City was a terrible film and Jimmy Buffet is the worst thing to happen to music since the plastic recorder? Maybe I should just type up Emily cliff notes and hand them out to my dates so I don't actually have to keep having the same conversations.

Can you see it? Every time someone asks what I teach I hand them a sheet with an explanation of what I teach, where I teach and how I feel about it, together with a note about how I will cease speaking to you immediately if you make a racist joke about my students. Imagine how much easier dating would be if we never actually had to talk to each other.

Fuck it. I'm going to hire a matchmaker like in ancient China. Give her a list of criteria, say, "Must be Jensen Ackles" and then let her go out and make it happen. Then I don't even think about it until I show up to the wedding and meet whichever Jensen Ackles she found. Then I'll give him my cliff notes and we'll sign the papers and eat the cake and everybody wins.

14 comments:

  1. Maybe I should just type up Emily cliff notes and hand them out to my dates so I don't actually have to keep having the same conversations.

    That's what your blog is for. Send'em a link.

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  2. It's not you--it's just a sign that this isn't the one. If this had been the right guy, you'd be totally excited and having a blast such that even talking about thumbtacks would be the funnest thing in the world.

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  3. Chris Rock says on a first date you're not meeting the person at all, you are meeting their representative. It would almost be appropriate for a representative to carry a brochure.

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  4. Anonymous4:34 PM

    You sound jaded. I suggest a long timeout from dating, and a good bottle of Loch Lomond. Either that, or lots of meaningless casual sex... Or, what the heck, make it both and blog about it. :)

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  5. Concerning, "Date kept trying to get me to talk about myself, which used to be no problem at all, but I just didn't want to." Your problem is, Emily, that your a ZAG. Your date wanted to zig, but you wanted to zag.

    Sorry your date didn't live up to expections, BUT don't let failure to meet expectations rob you of YOUR FUTURE - when can we expect the wedding anouncements?

    - E.C. Henry from Bonney Lake, WA

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  6. Well, if Jensen Ackles would stop ducking my calls and get rid of that silly restraining order we could get the wedding plans under way already.

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  7. ...and yet the post is called "Dating Made Easy"...

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  8. Poor Emily, hang in there! You're a treasure and maybe there just hasn't been anyone good enough for you yet.

    Oh man, I DREAD the idea of dating. I've only had one real romantic relationship in my entire life, starting when I was 18. It officially ended 2 days ago. I don't even know HOW to date. I think I'll just get cats.

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  9. Poor me? Poor you!

    Ugh. Dating. What a pain in the ass.

    Cats are an excellent alternative.

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  10. Kitties rock. And require no lists (an idea I love by the way, and totally agree with) to understand us and behave accordingly. :)

    Of course, I've never seen a cat that resembles Jensen. But that's probably a good thing. That would just be weird. I totally want to photoshop his face onto a cat right now. Okay, time to quit thinking. :)

    I hope you are feeling better!

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  11. I don't believe in dating. I just don't. I've been on maybe 2 dates in my entire life.

    Dating seems like pointless torture to me. Better to meet & get to know a person in other, less stressful, contexts. I've met boyfriends (all four... ahem...)at school, at work, and at my apt building.

    I fall for a guy and then I date 'em.

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  12. Rory L. Aronsky3:01 AM

    Oh man, I DREAD the idea of dating.

    I hate the thought of all those hours spent with a potential significant other who loses the "potential" title and then there's another try ahead for the next week and so on....

    No thanks. I've got books I haven't read yet, movies I haven't seen yet, and ideas I've not yet written in full. That's enough for me.

    And don't get me started on the price of jewelry. I've never understood the appeal.

    Interestingly, "My Fair Lady" was playing on Turner Classic Movies early yesterday morning and I like it a lot more than I did when I was younger (not because it was a musical (I'm a big fan of those), but because for me, the story didn't quite gel), and quickly became attached to the song, "I'm an Ordinary Man." I'm not as vehemently against women as Professor Higgins is, but I relate to him with this lyric:

    "I'm a quiet living man,
    who prefers to spend the evening in the silence of his room,
    who likes an atmosphere as restful as an undiscovered tomb.
    A pensive man am I, of philosophical joys,
    who likes to meditate, contemplate, free from humanity's mad inhuman noise.
    Quiet living man...."

    Thank you Professor!

    Cats are an excellent alternative.

    I was going to go for a "cat as food" joke (I'm a dog person), but then I remembered whose blog I'm reading. ;)

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  13. I hear ya, Laura and Rory! See Emily, we can relate. :)

    Rory, I never got the appeal of jewelry either, and I'm a girl. There are waaaay better things to buy.

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  14. Rory L. Aronsky1:53 PM

    Rory, I never got the appeal of jewelry either, and I'm a girl. There are waaaay better things to buy.

    DVDs. Books of plays. Rare books off Amazon Marketplace. All for me. ;)

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