Saturday, December 08, 2007

Zombies and boys who could become zombies

Last night I started talking to a guy who seemed cool even though he was 26 and therefore a bit younger than I like. But about five minutes into what had begun as a fun conversation he told me he had only ever had one girlfriend and she lasted six months and since then he'd only been with one girl who exclaimed wonderment at how huge his penis is. He wanted to know if this was true. He wanted me to give him an assessment of how big "big" is.

I changed the subject. He asked me again for a penis assessment.

I told him I did not want to talk about his penis. He said technically we were talking about other people's penises and could I please answer the question? I walked away.

OMG. That's all I'm saying. OMG.

Now, to get your mind off that, a scene I wrote this morning for the zombie movie:


The shelves have been completely ransacked. Blood and rotten body parts litter the floor between ripped up rolls of toilet paper and pregnancy tests.

Zombies can be heard next door moaning and banging against the door to the hardware store mixed with the sound of sporadic gunfire from the boat, but the pharmacy itself is serene in its destruction.

Except for the smell. Kate wrinkles her nose and grabs a can of Febreze off the floor and sprays it liberally.

She hops over the counter and slips on the remains of a dead body right in the spot where she had planned to land gracefully. Kate crashes to the floor, grabbing at the counter and knocking over everything on it.


A TRANSVESTITE ZOMBIE looks up at the sound of the crash. He/She begins to wander over to the smashed open windows of the Pharmacy while her buddies continue to stare at the Hardware Store and moan.


Kate has a slip of paper in her hand with various medicines listed. She picks through the pills and jars of liquid medication that line the walls behind the pharmacy desk and puts them in her bag.

Transvestite Zombie appears in the smashed doorway at the front of the store. Her tattered dress flows behind her as she stumbles in barefoot, no doubt having lost her fantastic spikey heels.

Kate is oblivious, busy concentrating on figuring out which multisyllabic name was the right medication.

Behind Transvestite Zombie, another zombie appears. Then another.

Kate puts both medicines in her bag, takes one last look at the list, then turns to hop back over the counter-

And comes face to face with Transvestite Zombie.


They stare at each other.

You look fabulous. You might want to retouch your foundation though, honey. Makeup's over there.

She backs up, gun out, sussing out which way to handle the now half dozen zombies before her.

She checks her ammunition. Not good.

Transvestite Zombie sniffs the air, displeased.

The zombies stop, not sure about the counter or the smell.

Kate picks up her walkie.

(into the walkie)
Uhhh boys I need a little-

She's stopped by a loud screech, followed by static. She looks at the walkie. It's got masking tape around the bottom. "FIX THIS PIECE OF SHIT!" Is written across the tape in black marker.

(to herself)
Oh come on!

She drops it on the ground.

She takes her gun and shoots Transvestite Zombie, who stumbles and falls.

The other zombies begin to climb over the counter. Kate shoots wherever she can, but more seem to keep coming. Some move around the side to try coming over the counter that way.

Kate fires her last round of bullets and then she's out, but zombies are still advancing.

She grabs a broom leaning in the corner and holds it out like a weapon. As zombies approach, she knocks them out by a quick sweep of the broom. She twirls it, then knocks another one down. She pushes it into a zombie's gut then rams it into the same zombie's open mouth.

She kicks the zombie off the broom, flips it around and backs against the wall at the back of the drug shelves. The zombies close in-

And drop one by one to the ground as gunfire erupts behind them.

Kate ducks down and pops a few more zombies with her broom. All the zombies that were in front of her are piled on the floor in a lifeless heap.

Her husband stands behind them, offering his hand to get her up.

Get what you needed?


He picks up her gun and walkie and they both hop over the counter, where Josh is holding off the forces of the undead with a steady spray of bullets.

Kate grabs her gun from Chris along with the box of bullets he holds up for her.

They all line up and shoot together like any good family should.


  1. Emilly, you should make that 26 year old one of your characters in the zombie movie you're writing. You know the kind I'm talkin' about, the kind that meets an untimely, sicked and skewed, death -- as only the mind of Emily Blake can dish out.

    Moral of the story: screw with the writer (or in this case actually try to SCREW the writer) and you my friend will find yourself screwed immortally in the pages of her writing.

    - E.C. Henry from Bonney Lake, WA

  2. Some quick points--

    1) your last few Mystery Dates have been truly epic in their awfulness.

    2) I seem destined to be the last screenwriter *not* fascinated by zombies.

    3) you REALLY passed on a golden opportunity to mess with Big Johnson Dude. ("Someone told you that was BIG? What kind of freak exposes himself to kindergartners?")

  3. So that first part WASN'T about a zombie?

  4. Love that scene. And the thing with the zombies was good to.

  5. Now see, I would've asked penis guy to produced said penis and when he did I would've pointed and collapsed in a fit of laughter...

    Or I would've just dumped a cold drink on him and giggled, "How about that, even cold water can't make it any smaller."

    Guys are such idiots.

  6. Nice.

    Transvestite Zombie is a cool name for a band.

  7. Loved the scene in the pharmacy.

    Did I ever tell you that I have an enormous penis?

    No, sorry, that should have been “I *AM* an enormous penis...”

  8. I think you've found your niche :-)


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