I just can't handle it

For the past few days I've been a nervous wreck. At night I've been swirling the sheets into a tight wrap around my body, in the day I've had pounding headaches that won't leave me alone. My stomach is in knots and my shoulders are turning into earmuffs.

A nice chunk of my money and a lot of people's weekends are riding on my directing skills and I have no idea what I'm doing. Now I've learned that the AC my DP has brought on board actually gave up a paying job to come to the shoot. So now I feel guilty. It has long been my contention that if I'm not paying everybody I'm not paying anybody, but this guy is actually losing money to be here.

If I fuck this up everybody's gonna be pissed.

DP doesn't seem too worried. He says look, here's where we are, here's what we need to do, no big deal. It will all work out.

Actors are like, whatever, tell me where to stand.

Boyfriend is like, just get me the equipment and I'll hold the boom.

Writing Partner is like YOU MUST DO THIS NOW! NOW NOW NOW! IF YOU DON'T DO THE FOLLOWING THINGS AND THIS OTHER THING I JUST THOUGHT OF WE ARE ALL DOOMED!

His heart is in the right place. He went to film school, I didn't. He's worked on a bunch of films, I haven't. He knows I'm going to need guidance.

But his guidance has made me a bundle of nerves.

I realized this last night when I received three emails in a row from him about the order of operations on set.

I told him I couldn't take it anymore and from this point on, would he please just be an actor? Let the DP give me all that guidance because DP isn't making me feel panicked.

And Partner said oh. Ok. Let's talk about the part, then.

And I immediately felt better. We've been discussing the script and the casting and nothing else since. And he's been very supportive.

And now I feel like maybe the world won't end if I do something wrong. I am surrounded by people who will make sure I don't.

It will all be okay.