Monday, October 18, 2010

Why I didn't see Red this weekend

The Beefcake was out of town this weekend so I was planning to go to the movies by myself to see Red. Saturday I planned to write all day, and my original plan was to crank out 8 pages so I could get to page 10. Unfortunately round about page 5 I took a second to look for what theaters in the area play Korean films and I accidentally clicked on a link and got a virus and ended up spending the next 3 hours working on cleaning my computer.

Anyway, That was Saturday. So Sunday morning I planned to see Red at the local theater that charges $5 a ticket for the first showing of the day. About half an hour before the show I changed my mind and worked out instead.

Red's got 70% on Rotten Tomatoes and everybody I know who's seen it says it's fun and worth seeing, but I just decided to wait for Netflix. There are a couple of reasons for that.  The first is that I had a lot of shit to do Sunday - write a paper for a stupid class I'm almost done with, eradicate the cat pee smell from my dining room, bust a sweat in the gym. Two hours at the movie theater gets in the way of that, so it should be a film that's well worth it.

And the truth is, months ago I was really excited about Red. It looked awesome, by virtue of Helen Mirren the badass if nothing else. But in the last couple of weeks before the film came out I saw that same preview we all saw where Malkovitch's character shoots a missile with a bullet.

I don't know if that shot made it into the final film or what the context was of that scene, but that moment totally blew the appertaining excitement I'd had about the film. I'm a little tired of ludicrous shit and I just didn't want to be disappointed again.

I had high hopes for The Losers too, and the last half hour of the film just defied logic in a way that didn't work. What started as a good film became a parody of itself, and I had this great fear that Red would turn out to be the same. I think somehow the fact that a film is based on a comic book has generated the idea that they can defy the laws of physics whenever they feel like it.

The odd thing is, I liked Shoot 'Em Up very very much. Maybe it's because that movie was one huge crazy over-the-top romp, or maybe it's because I'm not as cool as I used to be when I first saw that film. But for whatever reason, I'm afraid to spend my $5 on a movie that may turn out to ruin itself with silliness.


  1. Anonymous1:04 AM


    how did you know the pc was infected? didn't know that you can get one by clicking a link

  2. Hell yeah - I loved Shoot 'em Up precisely because it was so silly and over the top. Thing is, it was consistent and appropriate to the tone it had created for itself. Same with Crank. The same rules don't apply when a film otherwise set in the semi-real world suddenly and inexplicably goes all A-Team.

  3. ah, you shoulda gone to the movies. You still have years to work out. ;)

    That scene is in the film. It's a setup to a punchline that I liked a lot.

  4. Anonymous, yes you can get one by clicking a link. I figured it out when a window popped up offering to clean my computer and I couldn't make it stop. Then my anti-virus software crapped out when I tried to clean it. Took me three hours to fix.

    Matt I think you're right. The silliness must be consistent.

    cmw, I've heard the movie was good, but I've just lost my trust.

  5. crt/alt/delete to close windows you didn't call forth, no clicking ever, and if that method fails (eg, maybe windows keep popping as one is closed), restart machine entirely. Avast! and Hitman Pro what I use to keep machine clean.

    Shoot 'Em Up makes carrots sexy. God I love that movie, and script, and interview with director on dvd where he talks about writing, storyboarding, and pitching the movie. I think it might be a perfect movie. And best love-making scene ever. I'm going to go eat a carrot now.

  6. I fixed the problem, so no worries. Lord knows I've had enough viruses to know what to do when one attacks.

    But oh yeah, the carrot scene. And the sex scene. Ridiculously awesome.

  7. Anonymous2:09 PM


    Read the script from my ScriptTrader supplier.

    The script sucks!
    The movie sucks!
    And this movie is strictly for the birds!

    This movie really sucks BIG TIME.

    Worst than Vanilla Sky.

    Why did they make this movie.

    Wait till KICK ASS 2 or JUDGE DREAD comes out, they are saying its going to be the most violent R-rated movie ever.

    I wished they stop make THESE TIGHT ASS PATHETIC movies.


  8. I couldn't stant Shoot 'Em Up by the end. Love the idea, love the actors, but the execution was awful.

    This was brought home when the Senator who needed the baby's bone marrow is just minutes away from having Clive Owen safely deliver the baby, and then abruptly switches sides to become a bad guy, not because he would, but simply because Owen needs more people to kill. It honestly made no sense whatsoever and I tuned out.

    The final dispatch of Giamatti with the bullets and the fire was cool though.


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