Saturday, November 10, 2007

Can't touch this

This is a scary story. Be prepared. The events that follow may be too frightening for the average human mind.

This is the story of my first internet date.

You may remember Sad Emily from several posts ago, Sad Emily was sad before because she got her heart broken into tiny bits that were then thrown into a furnace and burned into oblivion. It's okay, I'm over it kinda, but it happened nonetheless.

So fast forward a bit and I decide it's time I moved on. But I don't feel like doing the whole bar scene all over again - see last Saturday night for reasons why - so I decided to give old web dating a try. If nothing else it would be a story.

Here is that story.

I met Web Date on the corner of Sunset and Detroit in Hollywood. I already had bad feelings because I was meeting him on the corner of Sunset and Detroit like a hooker. I saw two men headed my way - a short dude in a stupid shirt and a cutie in black. Guess which one was my date?

When we met up he was completely wet because he just got out of the shower, then ran down the street to meet up with me. Yeah, buddy, that's attractive. I unfortunately opted for heels, which made him super short by comparison. A good start for everybody.

We went to some bar called The Woods. It smelled like untreated wood. I asked for a sour apple martini and he ordered the same.

Okay boys, here's a tip: We drink the martini. You drink a beer.

He spoke about his job pushing paper about as enthusiastically as a Star Trek fan talks about team sports. He supposedly used to be a boxer but when I started discussing Mike Tyson's technique he had no idea what I was talking about.

I was already imagining the Blind Date bubbles over my head.

We left the bar and went to a karaoke / sushi bar in the Highland Mall. That's when he started touching.

My family is British. My grandma met my grandpa in the USO, my mom can't cook, and we don't generally hug. Once I tried to hug my grandma when she wasn't expecting it and she dropped like a wet rag in a kitchen sink. I am the same. Unless we know each other really well, don't touch me.

But Web Date kept touching me. My arm, my back, my neck - ugh. I finally straight up told him to stop touching me, to lay off, at which point he asked if he could to touch my face.

I was trying so hard to get away from him that my elbow knocked a full beer and a mixed drink off the counter. I had no idea the drinks were there next to my elbow, but I had $8 in my pocket I was prepared to give to the drink owners after I apologized. But when my profuse apologies came, all I got in return was a disgusted look of disgust that was clearly very disgusted so I kept my money in my pocket. Fuck 'em. I didn't knock it over on purpose. You don't have to be ass-hatty.

Anyway, Web Date, who turned out to be a smoker which his profile clearly said he was not, said he wanted to kiss me before he sucked on his Lucky Strike. It was the attack of the soaking wet tongue. I couldn't escape.

He begged me to take off my hooded sweatshirt (and by that I mean literally begged), which by now was zipped up as high as any hooded sweatshirt could possibly go. I nearly zipped my neck skin up into the hoody.

No cleavage for you.

My body language was as uncomfortable as I could make it, but Web Date kept touching me so I finally told him again to stop touching me. He immediately tried to touch my face. I slapped his hand away. He called me "baby".

He bought me a rum and coke without consulting on whether or not I wanted this drink. I passed and made him drink it.

He karaoked a song - I don't remember which one - and destroyed it by screaming the lyrics as loud as he could. I karaoked Pearl Jam's "Elderly Woman Behind the Counter in a Small Town" and had some difficulty starting on key, but picked it up after a bit and kind of nailed it. One of Web Date's karaoke friends came over and told me he could get me a recording contract.

Oh, Los Angeles. You are consistent.

Web Date explained to me that before our date he'd watched some porn and masturbated and even ejaculated, which is great since he usually has a lot of trouble ejaculating.

Super. This guy is everything I've dreamed of and more.

Web Date kept trying to kiss me. By now I was actively putting my hands up to block his moves. When I denied him he went over to some Asian girl and flirted with her, presumably to make me jealous. I was grateful.

Web Date went out to make a phone call and I thought briefly about escaping but since I have yet to become a complete bitch I decided to tell him I wanted to leave. He offered to walk me to my car. On the way out he tried to slip through a "personnel only" door and I used it as an excuse to keep moving. I raced down the stairs and onto Hollywood Boulevard, moving as fast as I could to get back to my car. I checked behind me and he wasn't there. Whew.

Then, suddenly, a tap on my shoulder. I turned and there he was, panting from his run to catch me. He was drunk and sang some song about girls and pubic hair.

We came to his street. He asked me to come back to his apartment to have sex. I said no. He tried to kiss me. I pushed him off. He tried again. I pushed him off again. Then I ran for it, watching his drunk ass crying out to me in the distance.

I hope he made it home. I also hope he never calls me again.


  1. wow. I meant really, wow!

    As someone who is just starting to try internet dating, I think you may have scared me off taking it any further!

    I do have to ask how you got into the date in the first place? Was there any communication before hand that might have prepared you for your trip into hell?

  2. Hee hee hee ...

    Dating in Los Angeles is tough, isn't it? There should be a recovery group:

    Emily: "Hi, I'm Emily ..."

    Group: "HI, EMILY."

    Emily: "And I've ... dated in Los Angeles."


    Or maybe you could make a sequel to Game Night and call it Date Night. :-)


  3. A couple of things --

    1) Ick!

    2) That Pearl Jam is super hard to sing right - that he got it after a few bars of singing is very impressive.

    Some guy found me through myspace and asked me out. I'm meeting him Sunday evening. My friend Keith lives 4 blocks away from the place we're meeting. I'm having Keith call every hour to check in and I'll have a code word - maybe it will be "Emily", lol - that means, COME SAVE ME NOW!

  4. Yikes. I'm not sure why you stuck it out past 5 minutes.

    If you hit the picket lines with us on Monday, you'll meet some nice single writers. Sure, some of them are dumpy and short, and if the strike goes on too long they'll be eating ramen noodles again, but at least they are writers. :-)

  5. Jesus Christ, that is scary. This makes me want to be all lame and parental and tell you not to go out unless you bring a friend...which is sad...and lame...and parental.

    What a fucktard.

  6. Anonymous8:43 AM

    "No cleavage for you" that's right, save that for your real buddies... us!

    Seriously, there is a lot of material here to use despite the fact it happened heh

  7. Hey I want my credit. I sang the PJ song, not him. I used to sing it with my guitar-playing roommate a long time ago. It's one of my favorites.

    This guy and I emailed back and forth a bit and initially I told him I wasn't interested because his profiled seemed really stuffy. He said he was into museums and opera.

    But then he emailed me back that he was really into boxing and his profile was not a very good representation of him, so I gave him a chance.

    Next time I'm going with my first instinct.

    Thanks for the words of support, everybody.

  8. I thought I was bad.

    Pearl Jam's "Elderly Woman Behind the Counter in a Small Town"

    Great song, btw.

  9. I met my wife on the Internet. But that was random and lucky.

  10. As a follow-up to Scott's comment, don't blame the internet for one asshat (actually, there are millions of asshats online, but A FEW truly awesome people too).

    And...I met my fiancee through Myspace...though we technically MET at a writer's group, so that's what we tell people:)

    But, ahem, we MET at a writer's group. With lots of people around. On a non-date.

    I know you're all boxer-y and stuff, but I'd far too much of a wuss to go out on a real date with someone I'd never seen. People are scary, man.

    p.s. I think one of my friends saw you with Bill Martell at the Expo selling his DVDs. He thought you were Martell's daughter or something (haha). Unless it really WAS his daughter...

  11. What a horror story. You have got to file that away for your internet seriel killer script.

    Those couples on the eHarmony commercials look so happy. Good luck on your further adventures.


  12. I'm sure Bill will be pleased to know I look like his daughter.

    I admit I'm totally sketchy now about the old internet dating. I never had a lot of faith in it before but who knows? Scott seems happy.

  13. Anonymous8:09 PM

    Oh, shit.

    You are way too nice to this asshole. This guy is a piece of shit. Nothing says "rape in the making" quite like:

    He asked me to come back to his apartment to have sex. I said no. He tried to kiss me. I pushed him off. He tried again. I pushed him off again.

    Not to mention the drink he tried to push on you and ... I finally told him again to stop touching me. He immediately tried to touch my face.

    Is there a way you can report him on the dating site? This guy is a crime waiting to happen.


  14. Christ! What a douche.

    You shoulda bailed early. You'll never get those hours back.

  15. Ok, once, again, if you don't write that in a script, I will.

    My wife and I met in Los Angeles, we dated here, all that. So I don't think it's a completely miserable place to meet people.

    But I do think the reality distortion field here is quite strong, and we all need to turn our intuition up to 11 to make it out in one piece.

  16. Anonymous6:18 AM

    Jesus frickin Christ.

    I've heard of the horrors of online dating, but this... this...

    This guy is like something out of a Roman Polanski movie.

  17. Anonymous8:11 AM

    You are much too smart and cute to be putting up with guys like that.

  18. EM! Condolences! Although, what a great post from the opposite of a great night. We must do another girls night. And... I'm with Scott. Maybe whilst picketing for what's right and true you'll also find a writerly romance?
    Keep your chin up.

  19. Super icky!

    I Hate HATE strangers touching me. Creeps me out. Any time someone puts their hand on my arm to get my attention or whatever, i wanna bash an elbow in their face!

    I personally wouldn't go on a total blind date unless there was a friend with me.

    And i wouldn't date someone I met online without 1st exchanging LOTS of emails, phone calls... & pictures!

    And if you go on an internet date again, arrange to meet in the day time, at a coffe shop or something. NO NIGHT DATES on the 1st meeting.

    Better luck with the next one!

    I met my husband when we lived in the same apt building in Van Nuys. So it is possible to meet someone in LA. We've been together 16 yrs.

  20. Wow, what a creep.

    While your faith in internet dating may have been shaken, don't give just have to know how to weed out the douchebags and navigate through people's profiles.

    First, if they don't look good from their profile, pass. That garbage that his profile wasn't a good representation is, well, garbage. People have all the time in the world to put those together, and like a resume, if they can't sell it, they're no good. Do you really want to go out with somebody who can't be articulate? C'mon, you're a writer...that's got to be the first thing you notice about somebody.

    In recounting your communications, it sounds like you just did a lot of emailing. You have to get from the website to email with some haste, and then from email to the phone as fast. Each move takes away a layer and get you to get closer to the real person. The profile can be well manicured, and the emails can be snappy, but how's the phone rapport? Anything along the way that doesn't feel right or is a red flag, pass.

    Since you planned a meeting, it should have been drinks only at that dive - and nothing more. The first date is to make sure they look like the pictures and prove they are the same person you emailed and talked to. An hour or two tops, and if it's a bar, never more than a second drink. If they're not a total freak, then you can think about the second date, otherwise...yep, pass.

    Dating online is to some degree a numbers game, but think of it the same as if you were at a bar. You're not going to be interested in every guy who looks at you, and a smaller amount will buy you a drink. Even fewer of those will you want to talk to, and less still would you give a number to. You can't be afraid to say no or pass on people if they're not what you want.

    I hate the whole thing, but I'm about to get back on and try again because I still think it's better than spending four nights a week meeting people I don't like at places I don't frequent. At least being online lets you pre-screen to some degree and allow you some distance if you have to reject, er, turn down suitors.

    Best of luck, and don't let one jerk turn you off from the whole process. Be smart and be true to who / what you want, and the internet dating game will become both easier and a more positive experience.

  21. Anonymous10:17 AM

    Great post. Though it's perfectly fine for a guy to order a martini as long as it's made with a good gin, and the only fruit involved is an olive or two.

  22. I had a blind date from hell years ago. So bad, I told him I'd taken a vow of celibacy. He held out his right hand (to shake mine) and said, "Hi, I'm Roger Vowbreaker."

    Your date beat mine, pants down.

    I'm sure the next one will be better. How can it not?


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