Saturday, November 17, 2007

Things I learned today at Ralph's

1) I hate grocery shopping on Saturdays. It's crowded and there are old people. Why do I continue to torture myself?

2) Old people hate you. They don't care how much you want to get to the deli meats, they got there first and if they want to carefully examine each individual brand and calculate how much they're paying per ounce of shaved turkey before they make a decision you and your cart will fucking wait. Get off their lawn.

3) Seth Green is kind of normal. He stood with his arm around his much taller and completely adorable girlfriend while they discussed their selection of Pepperidge Farm cookies. They also bought diet Sprite and Christmas wrapping paper. It's possible it was not Seth Green since the guy had his hat pulled down over his face to hide his identity, but that little redhead is hard to miss. I'm 99% sure it was him. I was on a mad store-wide search at the moment to find tortillas and wanted more than anything to say, "Hey Seth Green, do you know where the tortillas are?" It is now my greatest regret in life that I did not do this.

4) I buy diet soda now. When did that start? And did you know they make diet cherry Pepsi? The world truly is a wondrous place.

5) I am still amazed by the ability to pull liquor off the shelf and put it directly in my basket at the grocery store. In North Carolina you must go to a tiny government-run room in the middle of nowhere where they run your ID through a background check and give you a three-day waiting period before you're allowed to purchase a bottle of Sour Apple Pucker's. Even at Von's in the dirty neighborhood where I used to live they kept the vodka with the condoms behind a locked glass case so you had to tell the whole world your plans to get drunk and screw before anyone would give you the tools to do so. At the fancy Ralph's in my fancy Jewish neighborhood they just let you grab all the booze you want and pay for it with no fanfare at all. Who wants appletinis?

6) Cashiers at Ralph's aren't quite sure what to do when you bust out your canvas Trader Joe's bags and insist on using those instead of plastic. Forget saving the environment, you can throw your grocery bag over your shoulder as you carry it up the stairs.


7) I need someone to follow me around and carry my groceries up the stairs. I can pay you in appletinis and diet cherry Pepsi.


  1. ...I can pay you in appletinis and diet cherry Pepsi.

    Sounds like you want a gay best friend. Try offering tacos and sex.

  2. That Vons out on 3rd, right?

    I love that liquor cabinet. For those that don't know it, picture this -- you've got all the hard liquor locked up next to the condoms, which in turn are locked up above the...

    ... wait for it...

    ... baby diapers!

    Yessiree, your entire life flashes before your eyes when you reach for the Absolut citron.


  3. I guess my fancy Jewish neighborhood is less fancy than yours, because when this Jew goes into his neighborhood Ralph's, most of the liquor is out in the open, but the good stuff (like the scotch I would normally buy there) is still behind lock and key, and a wire gate.

    But I'll never forget the first time I realized you could buy hard alcohol in the supermarket here (before I moved here) -- opening scene of Leaving Las Vegas. I was blown away (pleasantly).


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